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-   -   New and looking for all kinds of advice! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5870)

room4onemore 01-24-2011 06:41 AM

New and looking for all kinds of advice!
 
Hi - this is only our second post here (our first was under the introductions)...

We're a married couple that is looking to add a female partner to our relationship (we're pretty sure what we're seeking is a triad if we've got the terminology down). We've been swinging for a few years, so we know we don't have jealousy issues, at least on a physical level. We've talked about this for a few months and are pretty confident that we also won't have emotional jealousy issues, either.

There are a ton of questions that we've been trying to come up with answers to, and thought maybe people who are experienced could shed some light. Here are a few that stand out:

- does a third feel like an outsider to a long-established couple?
- what kind of living arrangements do triads typically make?
- do people live in secret or openly? If you have 'come out' as poly, how does it impact your kids socially (especially teenagers)?
- where are the best places to meet potential partners (we've looked at a few poly sites but not in depth)?

We understand that each situation can be unique, so we're only looking for some feedback to work with on a general basis. If anyone has anything to offer on the above, it will be greatly appreciated...thanks!

lovinhimloviner 01-24-2011 07:05 AM

We were the same way when we had our first relationship with a long time friend. She stayed with us and slept in our bed with us. We were all sexual together and her and H were on their own as well. Although it didn't last long because we got a call one day, it was a guy asking to talk to her said he was her boy friend. It wasn't that she wanted to date someone it was that she kept it a secret from us. While it was good it was GREAT! We thought that it was something we would like to do again someday. Then my husband fell in love with someone who is clearly mono. We talked about the what if's. What if they decide they couldn't live with out each other, what would we do then? Ideally we would like for her to move in and have her own room. Something else you need to consider is what if the person you find wants to have kids? It is important to try to think of all of the possible problems you might run into. That way when you come up against it you will not be so floored and unprepared. Other might not agree with me. They might just say play it by ear and that is fine for some. For me, I have to be a little prepared. It makes me feel a little more in control of my life. I feel the need to talk about all of the different things that we might want or need in the future as well. I hope my rant helps some.

Senga 01-24-2011 04:31 PM

We are looking for similar things. We had a V relationship before and we kept it personal and were vague about it (referred each other as roommates in public) because of family. This did cause some stress. We went out of town to places like the strip club, and to 6flags so that we could hold hands in public. That was great. At home, we did have our own rooms and space which is very important, but sometimes we would all sleep in the same room. We also made sure to eat a meal together often. Good luck to you two!

redpepper 01-24-2011 09:04 PM

I would suggest looking at the multitude d threads that have gone before you and asked similar if not the same questions. What you are looking for is a unicorn. I would suggest doing a search for tags on unicorns, triads, dating, and secondaries to find what you need. The threads that are tagged with these are the best ones on here for conversations about how it feels to be a secondary, what people have done about kids and coming out, finding a unicorn... Lots to read and learn from. There are also stickies that will help also.

redpepper 01-24-2011 09:06 PM

Sorry, I should of added coming out and kids to the tag search list I have you.
Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 63019)
I would suggest looking at the multitude d threads that have gone before you and asked similar if not the same questions. What you are looking for is a unicorn. I would suggest doing a search for tags on unicorns, triads, dating, and secondaries to find what you need. The threads that are tagged with these are the best ones on here for conversations about how it feels to be a secondary, what people have done about kids and coming out, finding a unicorn... Lots to read and learn from. There are also stickies that will help also.



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