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-   -   Willingness and Conflicted Emotion (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5843)

Sindris 01-23-2011 01:54 PM

Willingness and Conflicted Emotion
 
If you had asked me a year ago, if I would EVER be in a poly relationship, I would have told you no, absolutely not. But odd things happen, and people change their mind.

On a singular basis, he and I get along very well. It's the inclusion of his primary at some point in time. I don't know her very well, spoken to her a few fleeting times, just very... defensive.

I know how I should feel, I understand the bigger picture, it just seems like being raised in a world that pushes the concept of mono-relationships has taken its toll. I'd like nothing more than to stamp out the bitter jealousy I feel twords her, the time she gets... it's all very hard. Especially where I feel insecure (it's hierarchy... I'd much rather it be hinge, or something where I feel like I won't walk away with nothing in the end, if it comes to that). He's very understanding, especially that this is the first time I've attempted anything poly. He 's understanding that I might need to back out of the situation, as bonded as we seem to have become, painful as it is.

Is there anything I can do to strike some logic into my emotional overdrive? I hate feeling the way I do. I just don't know how to not feel resentment and jealousy with his primary... it's upsetting. Advice would be very welcome.

GroundedSpirit 01-23-2011 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sindris (Post 62796)
................I'd like nothing more than to stamp out the bitter jealousy I feel twords her, the time she gets... it's all very hard.

Especially where I feel insecure (it's hierarchy... I'd much rather it be hinge, or something where I feel like I won't walk away with nothing in the end, if it comes to that). He's very understanding, especially that this is the first time I've attempted anything poly. He 's understanding that I might need to back out of the situation, as bonded as we seem to have become, painful as it is.

Is there anything I can do to strike some logic into my emotional overdrive? I hate feeling the way I do. I just don't know how to not feel resentment and jealousy with his primary... it's upsetting. Advice would be very welcome.

Hey Sindris,

Welcome ! Glad you chose to join us :)

First off (this seems to be a rash in the last few days) - clarity.

What you're dealing with here is NOT 'jealousy' (yet).
It's ENVY. You called it correctly (sort of) yourself.
It's important not to confuse the two because the approach and tools are quite different.

Someone else has something you don't (yet).
Hmmmmmmmmmm..........
Can you think of ANYTHING else in your life similar ? Cars ? House ? Job ?
How are you dealing with those ?
Probably just that that's the way things are currently (accepting) and working towards changing those that seem important enough. Right ?

Same tools here :)

Patience. Positive steps in the right direction. Not doing things that will sabotage your progress (buying clothes out of the new house savings account). Etc etc....

It's always hierarchal at first when someone comes into an existing situation (relationship, job, family whatever). What changes (or eliminates) the heirachy is usually trust and confidence. Love grows with loving actions.

Try to be as open and honest as you can with them both. be kind. They are going to have their own struggles too. Try to build a solid team all working in the same direction.

One other thing that might help.......

Beware of building 'expectations'. 'Expectations' are different than 'hopes'. What you many want this to look like, how it may progress etc, are very likely to be different than some grand plan. Be open. Be flexible. It's entirely possible that what you end up with is more beautiful and wonderful than the plan you saw going in. Just different.

Thoughts............


Good luck. Be happy.

GS

Sindris 01-23-2011 04:59 PM

I guess it's a mix of both... I can't say that I have expectations for anything. It's a first experience. I suppose I should also say, that though a poly relationship, for the time, I have chosen to stay mono within it. I don't know if that'll change. It may, it may not. Thusly, he's provided me with everything I could hope for in a partner, sans the security mono relationships provide- to which I can't fault him. I decided to try this, so I can only blame myself.

He wouldn't mind if I found another partner to be with. But, for now, I don't see a reason to do so, though working time arrangements is agitating.

lovinhimloviner 01-23-2011 05:34 PM

It is important to take it all one step at a time. I know im my situation my H gf is very insecure by nature. She is also mono and never figured she would fall for a married man. What works for us is the fact that her and I talk everyday. We got to know each other. We didn't talk on the phone or in person but in IM and or on cam. We can now laugh together and talk about our love for our man. I try to make her feel better but she is usually her own worst enemy. She told him once that she felt like the other woman. The thing is the only person who thinks of her that way is her. I know it is hard to feel strong going in to this kind of relationship but it can also be very rewarding. try to put your self in his shoes for a little bit. I am sure he wants you to feel comfortable. Talk to him about why you are feeling this way. Maybe there is something that can be done to make you feel better.

redpepper 01-23-2011 07:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sindris (Post 62826)
..... he's provided me with everything I could hope for in a partner, sans the security mono relationships provide- to which I can't fault him.

Poly people actually provide more stability than mono ones because they don't leave ;) what I mean by that is that they aren't going to dump you for another person, they might add another person, and things will adjust, but they usually don't get rid of people in their lives...

Most poly people I have come across have loved people beyond the relationships they have had with them. Mono relationships, when they end, quite often mean that people are separated and don't stay in contact. In poly ones either don't end or just become something else. Its a different way of doing/loving.

The idea of poly is that we are all connected and all part of a larger community or family of people that interconnect... we are connected beyond the time we spend together. Hope this makes sense...

I would be surprised if the man you are with would abandon you in his heart. He might not be the one that you are able to make a go of it with in the long run, but I suspect that will be your chose rather than his.

I think it is a really good idea that you meet his other partner. Myths are dispelled when metamours meet. It makes a huge difference to your feelings of jealousy and envy when you actually meet the object of them.

Next step is to start negotiating your boundaries and determine what boundaries the other two have. Its a difficult and time consuming task, but is so necessary. Once you have an idea of where everyone stands the boundaries can be fluid and movable as you go along...

Some common themes are sex, time, more partners, metamour relationships, holiday times, coming out, goals for the future... of course all of these don't need to be looked at all at once, but will often come up. It's early days yet and the first thing to do is to feel like you are part of his life and he is part of yours... including his other partner(s) either physically or in your mind only.

Once you have established a basis to talk then it sounds like time management is the first thing on the agenda... it sounds like your needs aren't being met in this way and you have every right to ask for certain amounts of time at certain times of the week, depending on what works for you.

I suggest that you do a search in the tags for "secondary" "jealousy" "lessons" "foundations" "mono/poly" "metamours" "primary" "heirarchy" any or all of these terms as there is a world of knowledge in the threads that have gone before you. You are not alone.

Sindris 01-24-2011 01:43 AM

I think at this point, time management IS the biggest issue... but again, I try and keep in mind that I decided this when I knew the situation aforehand. He actually lives with his other g/f, and I can't exactly say that I'm in a good position having him over. (Be it explaining the situation or otherwise).

I've tried to take all of it in stride that, I'm the person that decided to try this, knowing full-well how I'm used to going about things. So I very well expected to have difficulty. But I still feel guilt, knowing I'm not in the right mindset.

lovinhimloviner 01-24-2011 04:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sindris (Post 62899)
I've tried to take all of it in stride that, I'm the person that decided to try this, knowing full-well how I'm used to going about things. So I very well expected to have difficulty. But I still feel guilt, knowing I'm not in the right mindset.

Have you told him that? Knowing what is going on with you is more important to him because he can't go forward in the relationship if you aren't ready.
Talk to him.

sage 01-24-2011 05:45 AM

I think you're expectations of yourself are a little steep. There is often a big gap between our choices and our emotions. Choosing something is just part of any decision. Living that decision and working through your emotional responses is a whole different thing.

You have had some really good suggestions just try and relax into them. Acceptance is an adjustment that takes time.

PS. Is it you or your metamour who is defensive?
PPS. @ lovingimlovinger (sorry to be picky), but it isn't just your metamour who maybe feels that she's the "other woman", most of society would feel that way.

sage 01-24-2011 06:27 AM

I have just learned today about a book written by a counselor (no link because everything I've heard about it is outdated, ignorant rubbish), who states that trying to mix poly and mono in one relationship is akin to giving it the kiss of death. Another blogger is reviewing said book and she knows from my previous comments that this is rubbish, but she still goes so far as to say that "it takes a very special mono to make it work".

I don't feel particularly special but when I put this to a group of monos the consensus was yep special all the way. Maybe we have a need to feel that what we are doing is special?

Does your partner make you feel special? Because I think that secondary monos (for want of a better term) are the most special monos of all.:)

lovinhimloviner 01-24-2011 07:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 62930)
PPS. @ lovingimlovinger (sorry to be picky), but it isn't just your metamour who maybe feels that she's the "other woman", most of society would feel that way.

Good point.


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