Need Advice: Potential Triad
I am a married woman, and I am interested in getting together with my best friend, who also has feelings for me. Several times I thought she was encouraging me to have a sexual relationship with her (she even expressed an interest in having a threesome with my husband and I), but in the end she always backs out from fear. She's concerned because she doesn't want to wreck my marriage, or her friendship with either of us. I know she's just scared that something will go wrong. She's worried about being my "second choice," and scared that I'll always choose my husband over her.
My husband is understanding of the situation, and he has even encouraged me to pursue her. The last time I spoke to her about this, she said, "As much as he says he's ok with it, it's not fair to your husband." I told her we could invite him, and she responded (after a pause), "So what, I'm supposed to just have half your heart?" to which I replied, "Love doesn't work that way. The fact that I love someone doesn't diminish my love for another person."
She dismissed the topic after that. We're good enough friends that these discussions don't disrupt our friendship. I feel as though I'm making progress with her by talking about this stuff, but I'm concerned that I'll push her too far.
I know it sounds like she may not be interested in polyamory, and I'm prepared to consider that. But every time we're together, we get more intimate. She keeps encouraging me, and then shooting me down, and I'm certain it's because she's afraid of jumping into this and not having it work out.
How do I reassure her? I want to tell her that I'll do whatever I can to meet her needs, and that if she's interested, she can become part of a triad relationship with my husband and I (again, he agrees). But I'm worried about coming off too strong. Help!
Please, just don't do it.
She is already worried and anxious. If you want to play together and be intimate, do so, but keep your husband out of it. It's like taking a tenuous situation that could possibly work with oodles of tlc and gentleness and instead adding an accelerant to it which will run wild and destroy everything. So your choice is to keep gently reassuring her that you both being intimate does not bother your husband and that if the sexual relationship doesn't work between you two than you can you will both happily continue with a platonic friendship - WIN WIN or you can invite your husband into it, introducing a brand new unpredictable dyad to the mix vastly over complicating all your lives which will more than likely implode leaving destruction in its wake. LOSE LOSE.
Not just affection
Love may be limitless, but time is not. She won't have all of your time, and will likely have less than your husband...unless you divide equally. Reassure her that she will be able to have a relationship with your husband, should that happen....and that she will be able to meet needs outside of you and him.
Unless you're truly willing to meet all of hers, in which case, you have more responsibility towards her than she has towards you.
Could focus on the reassuring and not on the pursuit.
She's clearly not READY at this time. Not entirely WILLING. Not entirely ABLE.
You could tell her you want to be friends, and if she's ever ready, willing AND able to grow it to a romance as well? To let you know.
There is nothing you can do on your end of things other than declare you own (ready, willing, and able) and then let her own her part of the equation and back off. Rushing her won't help. Rushing her is not friendly behavior toward your friend.
YOU feel anxious/excited/want to get on with it. That doesn't mean everyone else is.
When you have to struggle like this to build one V? Where you are the hinge?
And your friend feels this fearful,. anxious and stressy? How would you wanting to pile on two more V's on there help TAKE AWAY from your friend's stress? Now it's having to build 3 v's all at the same time!
Slow yourself down.
Both of you helping BOTH of you keep it in the friend bucket for now. Not all parties are ready, willing, and able.
Because chasing something before all are ready? That's not giving yourselves the best starting point you could give yourselves if you DID want to grow something bigger.
If it is in the cards, could choose to grow it well rather than all wonky. You, your spouse, and your friend deserve the best, right? Not half baked stuff?
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