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susiuzi 10-11-2013 03:21 PM

Problems in my new poly world
Hello everybody,

First of all I would like to apoligise because english is not my first lenguage, so I may not explain myself with the correct words...

Anyway, here I am, new in this poly world and at the moment my head and my feelings are just a mess. And i think i need some advice because i'm not doing well on my own at the moment.

Ok, I've been with my boyfriend for seven years, we have a very solid relationship, we love each other very much, we live and work together and, for those seven years, we are been with each other almost 24hrs a day, and we've never had any problem with that. In the past he had a poly relationship with his exwife an another girl, they where together for some time but at the end it didn't work out. I knew about that and it wasn't a problem with me, i'm a very open-minded person and even when I never had any poly relationship, i always been open to new experiences.

In our relationship we never had any plans on been poly, we where together and we both where very happy about it, but a few months ago everything started to change. Last june, my boyfriend felt that he had a very strong conection with one of our costumers, bit by bit they where getting more close each other, to the point that she started to work for us. Since beginning of july she was with us constantly, she was working with us, she was coming all the weekends to our country house and, at the end, she moved to live in our flat. She is a great girl, she is clever, funny, smart and very attractive. We are very similar in the way we think and we act so it was very difficult for me not to like her and not to accept the situation.

We all where just been friends until her and my boyfriend confess each other their attraction. I knew about it, i always been informed of everything, there is not been secrets. At one point in august we had a very nice conversation about how everyone was feeling and i told them that was fine for me if we all where having a boyfriend-girlfriend-girlfriend relationship. I'm always been atracted to girls too and, as i said, she is great and i though that everybody would be very happy. But she is not into girls and, she said that she loves me very much but just as a friend, and that was fine to me, i can't force anybody. If she is making my boyfriend happy, i'm happy with that too.

To all that my boyfriend, carried away for the feelings of a new romantic relation is not been as much with me. I understand that this is a normal situation in those cases but i feel lonely. I feel jelous too, i read so many posts about it that i'm convinced that that is one of my problems too. Because he spends more time with her and they have so much fun together i started to think that he's not going to love me anymore. Again, i know that is a common feeling too. I talk to him and her many times about it, they always say that they love me very much, that they want me with them and if i'm more on my own is because i wanted to, no because they are pushing me away. All pretty normal and confuse for me.

I though that the 3 could be more close, not just living together and sharing life, i though that at some point she would be more open to try to be more sexualy intimate with me but, as they get closer and closer, looks like that possibility is not going to happen. So, seeing them too getting in love, seeing how nice is the feeling of a new romantic relationship i though on start dating myself. We had a chat all together about it and, while she was understanding and happy with the idea of me dating new people, my boyfriend went all angry with me saying that, he wasn't happy with that idea, that if i was willing to do that, it was going to bring problems to the relationship. So I'm not allowd to have any other boyfriends or girlfriends. Obviously, she isn't aloud too.

He is the man of my life, my love and my best friend and I know he loves me very much too, and doesn't want to lose me but i'm feeling pretty alone at the moment, i never had plans to change my relationship that way, i never expected that something like that could happen. I've been open and caring with both, trying to not get upset, trying to understand the excitment that they are living at the moment.

Can anybody give me any advice? Is it normal that only one in the relationship is aloud to be poly? anybody had the same problem as i do? I can talk about the jelousy in another moment but, for now, the one that is bothering me more is the fact that i have to see them having fun, kisses, cuddles, hours of sex and i'm not aloud do the same thing.... Help, please!

Natja 10-11-2013 04:22 PM

Hello Susiuzi,

(((hugs))) Sounds sucky and a very familiar story. First of all, your English is excellent. Secondly, what we have here is a case of what we often call OPP or One Penis Policy, that is where a man wants to make sure that his female partner doesn't date other men. Totally sexist of course and you have the right to be angry.

Only you know what you are able to put up with so it is no use me telling you what to do, though I am sure other people will offer up some good suggestions, but I just want to tell you that you're not alone.

And I'm the one who added those extra tags.

PolyinPractice 10-11-2013 04:28 PM

Yeah, that's BS
That isn't even a OPP. This is the "having your cake and eating it too" sort of situations I despise. He wants to date multiple women, but is too possessive to let them date, men or women. She isn't allowed other girlfriends, either. That's fine if he's willing to work himself into a frenzy making sure both have their needs completely met. But he isn't.

susiuzi 10-11-2013 04:32 PM

Thanks Natja,

Is good to know that we have a name for it :)

Now i just would like to know other similar experiences and how can it be resolved without making the people involbe unhappy.

And is nice to know that i'm not alone, thank you very much for the support!

Natja 10-11-2013 05:00 PM

Thing is, you're unhappy now and you can't risk your happiness whilst coddling his possessiveness, insecurity and entitlement. I know it's unfashionable to say so in these modern communication models, where we must validate everyone's feelings and even if I don't agree I have to understand his fears blah blah...it's simply wrong and afaiac he is being a selfish git and he needs to know it.

susiuzi 10-11-2013 05:27 PM

The problem is that he doesn't want to talk about it.
Is something that can'be mentioned. I think that makes him feel threatened or that he's not going to be in charge. i don't know really, but if try to say something about it he goes in a defensive mode and that's it.
it must be someone that had the same experience, how can i aproch the subject making him to understand that i shuold have the same rights?

Natja 10-11-2013 06:08 PM

Hopefully someone will know what to suggest.


susiuzi 10-11-2013 09:43 PM

I hope that too.

kdt26417 10-12-2013 01:42 PM

Hello susiuzi,
Welcome to our forum.

I fear that your situation isn't very healthy at the moment. Your boyfriend is saying, "I can see someone new, but you can't," and, "I am the man of the household," and, "We aren't going to talk about it anymore." He is exercising a power imbalance over you, and focusing on his own needs as well as he basks in NRE (New Relationship Energy), neglects you and then claims (and his new girlfriend is guilty of supporting the claim) that you are the one pushing him away.

Since I don't know of any easy solutions to situations like this, I fear that you just have a couple of choices:
  • try to convince him to see reason,
  • break up with him as amicably as you can.
It's not possible to reason with him if he won't even talk about the problem. I guess my advice is to plead to him to talk about it, and if he still refuses, then advise him you will have to cut the ties if he remains uncommunicative. Try to figure out some reasonable amount of time to wait, something that's fair to you, and if he still won't talk after that much time, I'd suggest you set yourself free. You can always tell him how long you're going to wait, and what the "cut-off" date is.

It's not fair for him to NRE fun while forbidding you the same chance, and furthermore, NRE or no NRE, he still has a responsibility to treat you well and not sweep you under the carpet. If he has any love left for you, he needs to remember that love and make a point to express it. You need reassurance. You need extra time and attention during this sensitive transition. If he thinks you can be taken for granted because you've "always been there," then he is letting NRE carry him way too far.

NRE is all well and good per se. It's the magic of connecting with a new partner. But it's also like an addictive drug, and it can impair judgment. There's a right way to handle it and a wrong way to handle it. Savoring and appreciating it is great; putting your original partner in second place is crappy. It's fine if he needs some time to come to his senses, but he doesn't need forever. He's smart enough to realize when he's neglecting you.

Honey, you need to take care of yourself. You can't always rely on your boyfriend, no matter how long you've been with him. He's not even willing to subject himself to the same fears, jealousies, and insecurities that he's subjecting you to. That's neither healthy nor fair. He needs to take his own personal growth more seriously, and it's not your job to make him see that. All you need to do is speak up for your own rights and feelings, and if he consistently dismisses those, then give yourself a chance to find a new boyfriend who will treat you right.

I regret that this is the best answer I can think of for you. I'm sure you were hoping for some tip or trick that would allow you to get back inside your boyfriend's heart. But I don't think we have such tips and tricks. Each of our hearts are our own. His heart is his own, to open or close as he chooses. Right now, he is choosing to close it to you. I would have to imagine that his choice has caused you to feel very alone.

Give it some time, but then give yourself a cut-off date on which you will embark out on a new path, without relying on him anymore. That's the best advice I can think to give.

Kevin T.

pcflvly 10-14-2013 05:41 AM

You have been open and honest about your needs. If you choose to limit yourself by how they feel, that is your choice. You might have good reasons for that. If it was me I would go on a date or two. Take it slow and let him get used to the idea. He reacts one way when you just talk about it but then maybe you'll find a different reaction when you're doing it.

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