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-   -   My last chance .. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=57479)

Hey 10-11-2013 07:42 AM

My last chance ..
I'm a new member to this site, and frankly, as of about 7 months ago, new to the idea of polyamory.
I'm very young (18) and have found myself doing whatever I can to stay with this man. So let me start from the beginning.
A few months ago I met a young, 25 year old man online. I knew he was married and didn't look into having any sort of romantic relations with him. We eventually became really close really fast. His wife new me, talked with me often and seemed to enjoy my company. After about two months, this man (Mitchell) and I fell in love without ever meeting each other. We tried at first to start things between the three of us, but things got uncomfortable for me and decided to try and stay close friends. However, when things got rough at home, I was invited to stay with him and his wife at their home. When I arrived in Florida to meet him, feelings returned very quickly and as a result, our relationship was revived. To no surprise, his wife was very uncomfortable and jealous of our relationship. We tried to make things work, such as suggesting to have more threesomes instead of single encounters, girl bonding time outside of the house, and cutting back on general affection. But she wasn't as open to the idea as we were. After three months of waking up next to the love of my life, I was forced to return home, with no hope of coming back.
It was been a month since I left and I was invited back by Mitchell to try making things work this time. We have set a list of general ground rules such as setting alone time, no restricting sex between the two people who want it, and going out together. But I'm not quite sure it will work this time.
I'm looking for advice on how to make this encounter better. How to make her feel more comfortable with our relationship and open her to our views.
Thank you xx

london 10-11-2013 09:30 AM


have found myself doing whatever I can to stay with this man
Are you willing to make yourself unhappy for his (their) benefit? If not, think about what you need from him. If his wife isn't agreeable to your relationship, she will continue to make it as hard as possible.

Natja 10-11-2013 09:52 AM

It's not worth it, she chucked you out once, he, spineless git, did not stop it. You can't trust him and she will always be in charge, don't you think you deserve better?

bookbug 10-11-2013 11:58 AM

Can you talk directly to the wife to ascertain if anything has really changed? The ground rules really won't help if she has not embraced the idea. She can abide by then and still make everyone miserable.

And I am not clear that her husband ever presented the nature of the relationship between you two honestly to her - before you were invited to stay the first time. So from her perspective, it probably was a surprise. She probably felt she had signed up for one thing and ended up getting an entirely different situation. While I don't think you and your guy actively sought to inflict pain on her, imagine how you would feel if you were in her shoes.

Now if she truly wants to try polyamory, yes, there is hope. However, if she is doing this out fear of losing her husband if she doesn't go along then it won't work.

Hey 10-11-2013 02:19 PM

A reply from OP
I know he threw me out before. It has been a topic frequently brought up during any argument we have. I know she will be priority throughout his entire life no matter how long we try to make things "equal" for. I am scared to death that i will always be secondary in his life. I failed to mention she is also in her third trimester of pregnancy now, which tips the scales harder. I'm pretty sure she is doing it just for him. We all had a discussion together about what we are afraid of and what we want out if this. I am scared she will kick me out just as she did last time, which she knows. I just have no clue as to what could open her up a little more to me .

PolyinPractice 10-11-2013 02:45 PM

Can I just say that you are all really young? You haven't specified the wife's age, but I'm guessing early 20s....

Not that you have to be 30 or 40 to handle poly, but it's just another factor that can make things really difficult. And her being a young mother on top of it?

I know it might seem like he's the only person you'll love like this, but you're talking to a community that doesn't believe in one true love :) And you're 18. Give it a few years :)

magnet 10-11-2013 02:45 PM

You cant give up on love. If he is the love of your life then you will try everything you can to make it work. Dont make yourself unhappy to make her happy but be willing to lose some things at first with him to help her feel more comfortable with the situation. If you give up there will always be that what if in your mind and you dont want that regarding a man you love with all your heart. I like the idea of talking to the wife and cutting out the husband. He might be changing the story between you two and this will get everyone on same page. Good luck

Natja 10-11-2013 02:50 PM

Oh Hey..I'm sorry. I know you are probably totally in love with this man but please....look to me as the lady with the Crystal ball and I will tell you how this goes.

She is difficult now in pregnancy, just wait until the baby is born...bam! There goes any libido she had along with any feelings of body confidence or energy to do her hair. It will all be about the baby and she will be doing 90% of the work, especially if she is breastfeeding (which she should be because, yanno, it is for the best). He, on the other hand has no hormonal shift affecting his hormones, he has just the same libido as before and you know how will be receiving all that lovely libidinous attention, yes you! So, what it will look like to Mrs. Feeling Fat and baby obsessed is...she is exhausting herself taking care of his baby whilst he spends his time f*cking!

I know it will be an over simplification, I know both of you will try to help and I know you all, not just her, will be exhausted too but...I also know what it is like to be a mother of a new baby.

Mine is 22 weeks tomorrow, after climbing the walls in sexual energy all throughout my pregnancy, my libido disappeared the day she was born and it has not come back yet. Same thing happened the last time, frankly the baby is just more interesting than sex and I just don't fancy it and whilst every mother is different I know that varying periods with a lack of libido is totally common and it is probably more safe to factor that in, than imagine it won't happen.

Secondly, a baby makes you turn into a She -Bear, you will do anything, say anything to protect this precious little bundle from stress and drama, if your presence is causing stress, this couple WILL close ranks on you and again you will be out on your ear, they have done it before and you considered coming back so they know they can do it again with no risk to themselves and if they want you back later all they have to do is bid you come hither.

You are expendable to them. Do not allow yourself to be treated that way for a bit of male attention, it's not worth it. Good Luck whatever you decide to do.

Hey 10-11-2013 03:00 PM

I know I am really young. Which is why I'm willing to try this now, while i can rather than later in in life while there is more to lose. At this point I'm willing to try to make this work as much as possible. After this visit, however, will make my decision on whether or not to keep going in this direction with this couple. I have looked at it from her perspective and I do get jealous at times, just as much as she does, since I feel she has priority over me. But I also feel like I love him too much to let this go.
I know it's stupid of me to say if do anything to keep it going, but this is a really strong feeling that I've never experienced before. I want to keep going, but I don't want to go through the same feeling of being dropped again.
I'm just very confused as to which road I should take .

Natja 10-11-2013 04:06 PM


Originally Posted by Hey (Post 237088)
II want to keep going, but I don't want to go through the same feeling of being dropped again. .

You know you simply have no control over what they do and I am pretty much convinced that is what will happen, but, you can take control of what YOU do and not allow them to have the upper hand, even if it is only from a mental standpoint. So, for example, instead of going into this saying "I am willing to do anything to make this work, please don't dump me again" Go into this saying "I am not a toy that you can fetch when you feel like it, I am a real person with real feelings and I deserve respect, I am willing to work on my issues as long as you both work on yours. If I get an inkling that I am being, disregarded, disrespected or treated as disposable I will walk, understand?" And bloody well stick to it!

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