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-   -   Desperately Need Advice... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=57056)

Arisu 10-08-2013 02:36 AM

Desperately Need Advice...
 
Hi guys! I've been reading countless sites along with this forum and I'm in need of some advice.

My girlfriend and I recently began a poly relationship with a friend of ours. The two of them sort of decided on this without me present, started their relationship in one night, and I consented the next day, with reservations but optimism. It's the first poly relationship for all three of us. But I had a few doubts from the start and I'm starting to feel very bowled over...

We've been together for one week, and already they are proclaiming their love for each other (as well as for me). They slept together three days into it. While S (our new girlfriend) and I do get to see each other very often, R (my long-term girlfriend) works often and sees me far more often than she gets to see S. Because of this, they tend to complain that they need to spend more time together, and I often get shoved aside or ignored, despite my efforts to give them their space. They're both moving extremely quickly and say or imply that it's unfair of me to make them slow down... but I have severe abandonment issues, anxiety, and a fun slew of other issues that I pointed out from the start that we'd have to work through. S asked if R could stay with her for the night, and I said that if they were willing to stay with me until I fell asleep, then I should be fine with it... it seemed a bit reluctant, and it changed to hanging out with R while S did homework, then hanging out in S's room, and then they went out 'for just a moment' without me, an hour ago. It's definitely beyond frustrating at this point, and I'm not sure I'm ready to spend the night alone one week into this after four years with R, but attempts to communicate generally end up with my feeling guilty until I change my mind so they won't be angry with me.

I think they're just so excited about this whole new relationship that they just sort of.... forget about me, and my insecurities and doubts. I am trying so hard to move past them, I know that I need to work through feeling left out or trying to be with them all of the time, but bringing anything up frustrates R to no end. S tends to try to work with me but can get patronizing or negate a lot of what I say, making me feel ignored. I'm trying to make this work, I really do want this for myself as well, but I have two girlfriends who aren't listening, insist I need to move at my own pace but don't seem to respect a lot of what I say I need from them, and continuously move past ALL of my boundaries, no matter how important they are to me.

tl;dr version: How can I get my girlfriends (long-term and new) to understand that I want them to be happy, that I am doing the best I can to get to a secure place where we can ALL make this work, and that despite what they're saying, they're not listening, and their words rarely match their actions?

It's been a week and no matter what I do, I lose sleep, I go from happy to depressed several times a day, and I'm feeling completely stepped on... Help!

Arisu.

WhatHappened 10-08-2013 03:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arisu (Post 235626)
The two of them sort of decided on this without me present, started their relationship in one night, and I consented the next day, with reservations but optimism.

They didn't decide on a poly relationship. R cheated on you and then informed you. You, apparently, decided you'd go along with it, but I'm guessing so you wouldn't risk losing her?

You're feeling bowled over because you have been.

I think way too many people use their 'issues' as a way to tell other people what they must do, however, your abandonment issues have nothing to do with this. R and S are behaving thoughtlessly. They've rushed into things and really just informed you this is the way it is, from the sounds of it. It sounds very disrespectful.

bookbug 10-08-2013 03:17 AM

May I inquire as to your gender? The reason I ask is because if you are male, it could be that your gf's don't quite understand your insecurities as they probably don't see how that either one of them can replace what you bring to the relationship. This might lead them to not completely understand how to honor your concerns.

A lot of times stating specific needs (behaviors) as opposed to non-specific needs is helpful. They probably have very little idea how to help you work through your concerns, even if they are totally in favor of doing so. They are unable to read your mind. Your gf's may be frustrated because they don't really know what you want, feel helpless to solve the problem, and also feel deprived of each other due to work schedules, etc.

So what specific things could your gf's do to help you?

And while it know it is tough, they will probably be a lot more able to be compassionate if they don't feel like they have to fight for some time alone. Maybe if you could find a way to give them your blessing (even if it means setting a schedule), they won't feel so frustrated.

Arisu 10-08-2013 04:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbug (Post 235633)
May I inquire as to your gender? The reason I ask is because if you are male, it could be that your gf's don't quite understand your insecurities as they probably don't see how that either one of them can replace what you bring to the relationship....

A lot of times stating specific needs (behaviors) as opposed to non-specific needs is helpful. They probably have very little idea how to help you work through your concerns,...

So what specific things could your gf's do to help you?

And while it know it is tough, they will probably be a lot more able to be compassionate if they don't feel like they have to fight for some time alone. Maybe if you could find a way to give them your blessing (even if it means setting a schedule), they won't feel so frustrated.

Sorry! I am female. I have tried giving them some specific needs and been shot down, which has been very frustrating. it's strange feeling like the odd one out after four years, but I'm sure I will find a way to figure it all out on my own...

Arisu 10-08-2013 04:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WhatHappened (Post 235632)
R and S are behaving thoughtlessly. They've rushed into things and really just informed you this is the way it is, from the sounds of it. It sounds very disrespectful.

This, pretty much. R and I did discuss starting things with S a few months ago, but she became afraid and broke it off. I wrote her off completely until a week ago. I've told them they're moving much faster than I can adjust and being told that the problem lies with me is frustrating... I'm hoping that they will calm down and I will finally start feeling like I have more of a presence. We'll see how this goes, I guess.

And thank you both for your replies!

alibabe_muse 10-08-2013 06:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arisu (Post 235626)
tl;dr version: How can I get my girlfriends (long-term and new) to understand that I want them to be happy, that I am doing the best I can to get to a secure place where we can ALL make this work, and that despite what they're saying, they're not listening, and their words rarely match their actions?


Arisu.

Tell them exactly that, exactly those words. You already answered your own questions of what to say. Either tell them when they are together or seperately.

Arisu 10-08-2013 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alibabe_muse (Post 235654)
Tell them exactly that, exactly those words. You already answered your own questions of what to say. Either tell them when they are together or seperately.

Thanks for your help! While S keeps telling me I need to try harder to control my emotions, I think I got through to R a bit. I said exactly how I felt... I feel like a bad guy now and they weren't happy, but at least now it's out there.

london 10-08-2013 11:56 AM

The problem is that it's often unrealistic to expect your partner's feelings to evolve at a rate that makes you comfortable. Even when they agree, in practice that sort of restriction causes resentment. All you can do now is decide what you need from both people to maintain your individual relationships with them. I'd steer clear of trying to dictate how and when they interact with one another and focus on how and when they, as individuals, interact with you. You'll see how willing they are to meet your needs and maintain the relationships they have with you.

bookbug 10-08-2013 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arisu (Post 235641)
Sorry! I am female. I have tried giving them some specific needs and been shot down, which has been very frustrating. it's strange feeling like the odd one out after four years, but I'm sure I will find a way to figure it all out on my own...

Perhaps then you could ask them: you state you are willing to help me work through my issues, but have not been willing to do the things I have suggested. What are you willing to do?

And I am sorry, having this thing decided for you was pretty shitty. That no doubt is adding to the issue. Takes away any feeling of control. That said, people fall for others besides their main squeeze all of the time, and many of them just take the default societal action and leave. I have to give credit to R for realizing that action was not necessary. It may also show how much she trusts you to bring this to you.

Arisu 10-08-2013 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbug (Post 235704)
Perhaps then you could ask them: you state you are willing to help me work through my issues, but have not been willing to do the things I have suggested. What are you willing to do?

And I am sorry, having this thing decided for you was pretty shitty. That no doubt is adding to the issue. Takes away any feeling of control. That said, people fall for others besides their main squeeze all of the time, and many of them just take the default societal action and leave. I have to give credit to R for realizing that action was not necessary. It may also show how much she trusts you to bring this to you.

I make it a point to say, every time we have a big talk (which lately has been at least once or twice a day or more), that I want them to be happy and that I do not want to 'get in their way' or control their relationship. I hope that dissuades their fears that I don't want to do this, because I love R very intensely (she's been better at showing it so far since my freakout last night), and I feel very strongly for S as well. I'm thinking I may just need to sit back and watch and wait for them to come back down to earth and realize that there is a third person down here!


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