||10-08-2013 02:36 AM
Desperately Need Advice...
Hi guys! I've been reading countless sites along with this forum and I'm in need of some advice.
My girlfriend and I recently began a poly relationship with a friend of ours. The two of them sort of decided on this without me present, started their relationship in one night, and I consented the next day, with reservations but optimism. It's the first poly relationship for all three of us. But I had a few doubts from the start and I'm starting to feel very bowled over...
We've been together for one week, and already they are proclaiming their love for each other (as well as for me). They slept together three days into it. While S (our new girlfriend) and I do get to see each other very often, R (my long-term girlfriend) works often and sees me far more often than she gets to see S. Because of this, they tend to complain that they need to spend more time together, and I often get shoved aside or ignored, despite my efforts to give them their space. They're both moving extremely quickly and say or imply that it's unfair of me to make them slow down... but I have severe abandonment issues, anxiety, and a fun slew of other issues that I pointed out from the start that we'd have to work through. S asked if R could stay with her for the night, and I said that if they were willing to stay with me until I fell asleep, then I should be fine with it... it seemed a bit reluctant, and it changed to hanging out with R while S did homework, then hanging out in S's room, and then they went out 'for just a moment' without me, an hour ago. It's definitely beyond frustrating at this point, and I'm not sure I'm ready to spend the night alone one week into this after four years with R, but attempts to communicate generally end up with my feeling guilty until I change my mind so they won't be angry with me.
I think they're just so excited about this whole new relationship that they just sort of.... forget about me, and my insecurities and doubts. I am trying so hard to move past them, I know that I need to work through feeling left out or trying to be with them all of the time, but bringing anything up frustrates R to no end. S tends to try to work with me but can get patronizing or negate a lot of what I say, making me feel ignored. I'm trying to make this work, I really do want this for myself as well, but I have two girlfriends who aren't listening, insist I need to move at my own pace but don't seem to respect a lot of what I say I need from them, and continuously move past ALL of my boundaries, no matter how important they are to me.
tl;dr version: How can I get my girlfriends (long-term and new) to understand that I want them to be happy, that I am doing the best I can to get to a secure place where we can ALL make this work, and that despite what they're saying, they're not listening, and their words rarely match their actions?
It's been a week and no matter what I do, I lose sleep, I go from happy to depressed several times a day, and I'm feeling completely stepped on... Help!