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-   -   new guy needs help with theory vs practice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5699)

pangino 01-21-2011 12:02 AM

new guy needs help with theory vs practice
hi, i m pangino, 54 yr bi male old in a 5 yr relationship with a most incredible woman. we have been poly in spirit pretty much since the beginning. we have mostly had "swinging experience" with close friends. we have decided to be open to other relationships.this came about after we had an experience with a man we both fell for. his connection is stronger with my wife than with me, i sometimes have trouble feeling compersion. this bothers me alot as i have always thought of myself as the not jealous type. we have excellent communication, truly amazing, which has allowed me to discuss my feelings with her. my partner L. is amazing, all this stuff so many are trying to grasp, she knows and embraces with what seems like no effort. she is SO supportive of me in all aspects of my life, the first partner i ve had i could be "out" with. so, my previous long term relationships have have been marred by lying and massive deceptions. this left me somewhat distrustful. L. helped me tremendously with this. i have read osho and deborah anapol and several other books, they help a lot. i just have tough moments that generally relate to her being intimate with her lover. we are totally committed to each other, soul mates and all that. i have absolutely no reason to distrust her at all. i realize this is my gig, and from what i ve read i need to work on my insecurity and fears of loss. i would like some pep talks from you experienced folks. thanks for caring!

sage 01-21-2011 04:00 AM

Hi Pangino and welcome this is a great place to work through these kinds of issues.

I also have a blog, link in my signature, which you might find useful. I know you're not mono but in the areas you're struggling it's pretty much all the same.

If you want a pep talk I think you need to be more specific about the actual things you're struggling over. It's one thing to identify that you're feeling insecure and fearful but to be able to help we have to know why. These feelings don't come up in a vacuum there is always something behind them even it is just your own self talk that needs fixing.

pangino 01-21-2011 04:56 AM

hi sage, thanks. so right now my partner L is on a 2 1/2 week trip to visit family and friends, many being old BFs. she is also meeting our friend i referred to in my intro for an overnight date. i love our friend. he is kind gentle and sexy as hell. he s also married to a woman who is unaware of our/their relationship. L and i have discussed this aspect and agree it is not right, how can dishonesty be right. this is a relatively new relationship this is her third get together with him, the 3 of us have been together twice. we decided to revisit this after her trip. right now NRE is kinda running things. before she left we talked about this, and i thought it was unrealistic in view of their attraction to each other to promise to abstain. as i wrote that i m asking myself is really unrealistic? the ethical aspect bothers me. the NRE thrills us both. so that s 1 aspect.
the next 1, not necessarily in order of importance would be my fear of losing my relationship with L. she asked me what i feared the most, what s the worst that could happen? losing you i said. she said that could happen any time in everyday life, she could meet someone any time or an accident or who knows what the future holds. 98% of the time i can think of that and be fine. but every once in a while it grabs me and shakes me. sorry for being so long winded. thanks again questions and comments hoped for.

sage 01-21-2011 07:21 AM

Hmm, I can really empathize with you, trips away are tough.

This post raises even more questions and the thread will probably be moved out of introductions.

What are your partner's justifications for this DADT policy of her lover's? You are not alone in your concern about it, it is generally a very frowned upon practice because Poyamory is supposed to involve honesty and the consent of all parties. Do you think it is a temporary situation?

Do you have agreed upon boundaries with the old boyfriends?

Do you have agreements about contact with your partner while she's away?

All these things are important . Coping with over two weeks apart is tough especially when she's seeing others while she's away.

I'm glad you've asked for help.



pangino 01-21-2011 08:15 AM

the dadt is her lovers. he told us she would never understand. no we don t really have any of those things laid out formally. actually the contact thing was an issue for me day before yesterday. we where talking and towards closing i told her i missed her and L said she ll be home in a few days, get over it. it wasn t as harsh as it sounds out of context. L says me telling her i miss her takes away from her ability to be totally present. i m not saying i miss her to slow her flow so to speak, i guess i wanted an i miss you too. our general approach to vacation contacts is geared towards the kids, not us in a poly relationship. we wait for them to call us so as not to distract from their time away.our everyday reality is that we spend most days together and love that we can. L also has a job that prevents her from leaving town except on rare occasions, except for a couple of long weekends she hasn t had a vacation alone in years. L is a true goddess on this earth and deserves all the love joy and freedom possible.she does so much for so many. she is loved and respected by everyone. i realize that i don t really have any one to talk to besides L and need to remedy that. we really only know one poly couple in our circle and i just recently had a good connection with the woman and have hopes of being able to talk to her a little bit. she s been poly for a while i believe .i think what s difficult for me right now is my only truly trusted confidant is L, and she s unavailable.which is why i m here.
i m sure there are other common areas that generally require discussion regarding boundaries and agreements, feel free to mention them. thanks again

sage 01-21-2011 09:05 AM

Being in a relationship with someone who has a DADT policy with their primary implicates her in his deception.

I think it's really good that you've identified that you need to build up some new relationships so that you aren't so emotionally dependent on your partner. But it also sounds as if you've put her on a bit of a pedestal. Your feelings are your feelings and should be validated.

sage 01-21-2011 09:08 AM

To save the moderators and get more response start up a new thread in the General Discussions section.

I'm glad she'll be back in a few days :)

redpepper 01-21-2011 03:50 PM

red flag *DADT here seems a little deceptive. Is it a DADT or cheating? to me it sounds like cheating. If this were me I would get off this NRE band wagon and readjust your selves. There seems to be some major denial here about ethics... take a look at some threads on "cheating" and "affairs" by doing a search. Also take a look at "lessons" and "foundations" of poly in the tag search area. Also "DADT" threads too. You will find that poly is ETHICAL not cheating and this level of DADT. At least for the majority it seems...

I think that you need to shake your heads a bit and get off the gaga train over this guy. So what if he is sexy blah blah blah.... he is not being faithful and respectful to his wife and that indicates that he won't be respectful to you two either. He lacks integrity, honesty, open communication, respect... all poly foundations in my book.

Saying "she won't understand" is bullshit. It sounds like he hasn't given her a chance or doesn't care enough to. How does that reflect on him? If it isn't going to work for her because she doesn't get it then he needs to leave her... if she is willing to negotiate boundaries so that he can do his "thing" then he needs to get going on that....

I would not get involved with this as it will fall on your head one day... speaking from experience and from reading here. The fingers will be pointing at you as the destroyer of their marriage... a wrath that I doubt you want. Ya, I would be done with him saying that he should get his shit sorted out and come back in a year if he has. Otherwise you want no part of is life until he does so.

lovinhimloviner 01-21-2011 05:06 PM

You said "he s also married to a woman who is unaware of our/their relationship."

We have a specific rule about this. We do not have ANY relations with someone who'd SO doesn't know about or would not approve of. This almost always is found out and leads to undo drama in your life. How can you trust this person if he is willing to cheat on his own wife?

pangino 01-21-2011 09:05 PM

thank you all for you responses. these are very valid points made by all of you. we are revisiting the ethics issue when she returns. although his wife is not a part, this person is part of a very large group of friends, so the ramifications of discovery are exponential.

does anyone have suggestions regarding old boyfriends,contact policies that are fair to both parties?


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