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-   -   Remaining friends with Metamors post-breakup (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=56977)

blueboxbrat 10-06-2013 05:45 PM

Remaining friends with Metamors post-breakup
 
How have you handled challenges in remaining friends with metamors post-breakup? Specifically if the relationship that linked you did not end gracefully.

blueboxbrat 10-06-2013 06:22 PM

I'm also interested to hear about people's experience on the other side of the coin -- those metamors who remained in the relationship and how they've handled challenges in remaining friends with the ones who are no longer part of the polycule, especially when things did not end well.

BrigidsDaughter 10-06-2013 07:45 PM

Runic Wolf's most recent ex broke up with him via e-mail, with no real explanation about why. She and I remained friends and eventually, when Runic Wolf had gotten over the shock and anger and had finally gotten an explanation, they were able to resume their friendship again as well.

It was difficult for me to stay friends with her, knowing how upset and hurt he was, at first; but she and I had a lot in common and our children had become friends, so it wasn't as if the connections could just be dissolved. Especially as she and I were actively organizing the local poly events in our area at the time.

Josie 10-07-2013 02:37 PM

My (ex)girlfriend broke up with me a few months ago, and though it didn't end badly as such, for reasons I still don't entirely understand, I bore many negative feelings towards her for a while.

My boyfriend tried to do the typical supportive thing, tried to help when I was sad and even tried to join in on the negativity towards her (not that I ever wanted him to, he just seemed to think it was the 'done' thing).

But, the two of them are like peas in a pod. When I was with her, they always used to joke that they were female and male versions of each other. So at parties, or social gatherings, he would try ignore her to seem supportive of me. Except when they were alone, and he couldn't help falling back into how they always were and chatting. They couldn't help it - they just got on so well.

My negative feelings faded and now we're all friends again. But I did find it quite interesting, that despite my never wanting/asking for it, my boyfriend felt the need to act indifferent towards her for so long.

I suppose it's one of those unspoken societal rules (that often don't work, but so many people seem to just accept), you know like the whole 'make sure to bad mouth your best friends ex with her in conversation - even if you actually get along with them'

london 10-09-2013 09:53 AM

This is part of the reason I avoid these types of relationships with metamours.

blueboxbrat 10-10-2013 05:39 PM

London, to clarify: you avoid friendships with metamours? I don't like to be expected to hang out with metamours, but I personally would prefer to be friendly if not friends with mine. I think it makes communication easier (I'm a fan of talking out problems with the polycule when necessary). To each their own, though. I'm constantly intrigued at how different folks handle this stuff.

Anyone else? What are your post-relationship metamour experiences? I suppose it's unpopular in the poly community at large to not remain friends with former lovers, so I suppose this could be a hard one to talk about.

Inyourendo 10-10-2013 07:12 PM

Post break up I need space. Usually several months before I can be friends with the person. I'm still on good terms with many of the people I've dates. I've always been very forthcoming about the initial break I require if things go south.

Eta didn't read the post properly lol. I'm only friends with ons of n's partners and he is certainly welcome to be friends with mine but post break up I don't want to be around them and he respects that. He hangs out with them whenever he chooses. I'm good cb friends with my ez husbands old girl friend lol N is still good friends with a few of his gfs and we visit them when we go to Chicago

Inyourendo 10-10-2013 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blueboxbrat (Post 236591)
London, to clarify: you avoid friendships with metamours? I don't like to be expected to hang out with metamours, but I personally would prefer to be friendly if not friends with mine. I think it makes communication easier (I'm a fan of talking out problems with the polycule when necessary). To each their own, though. I'm constantly intrigued at how different folks handle this stuff.

Anyone else? What are your post-relationship metamour experiences? I suppose it's unpopular in the poly community at large to not remain friends with former lovers, so I suppose this could be a hard one to talk about.

Most of n's partners are very casual and I have never met them. I prefer it that way. I see no reason for.me to be involved in his relationships and I typically don't bring people I'm seeing into the fold. Of course I haven't gotten serious about anyone else yet so who knows.

Josie 10-11-2013 01:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by london (Post 236262)
This is part of the reason I avoid these types of relationships with metamours.

In some situations that is almost impossible. For example, with my ex, she was (and still is) very much entwined with my friendship group. My boyfriend and I are good friends with the same people. Therefore, whether he wanted to or not he would be spending a lot of time with her (unless he just stopped spending time with his friends at any public events). Luckily, he adored her and actually prefers the idea of knowing his metamours.

So my point is, if you and your partner(s) do a lot of dating outside your social circle, or you have different social circles, then avoiding/not getting to know metamours is definitely an option. When they're pretty much everywhere you go, it's difficult, and probably not very healthy to avoid them. These are probably the circumstances where break-ups become most awkward regarding post-breakup friendships. In my opinion anyway.

london 10-11-2013 08:50 AM

Quote:

London, to clarify: you avoid friendships with metamours? I don't like to be expected to hang out with metamours, but I personally would prefer to be friendly if not friends with mine. I think it makes communication easier (I'm a fan of talking out problems with the polycule when necessary). To each their own, though. I'm constantly intrigued at how different folks handle this stuff.
I handle any communication necessary with my partner(s). I see no need to negotiate or communicate with a metamour. If I had a metamour that I ended up meeting and we got on, cool, but I'd always keep a "professional distance" so as to avoid sticky situations.

Quote:

So my point is, if you and your partner(s) do a lot of dating outside your social circle, or you have different social circles, then avoiding/not getting to know metamours is definitely an option. When they're pretty much everywhere you go, it's difficult, and probably not very healthy to avoid them. These are probably the circumstances where break-ups become most awkward regarding post-breakup friendships. In my opinion anyway.
It would be different if my metamour was someone who was already my good friend, but hanging in the same social group wouldn't mean that I become bff's with them. I'd be civil and pleasant to them, and after they broke up, I'd be the same. Professional distance.


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