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-   -   When do you tell your partner you are pursuing someone else? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=56950)

blacksofa 10-06-2013 12:27 AM

When do you tell your partner you are pursuing someone else?
Being new to this, I am curious at what point others tell their primary partner when they have an interest in someone else.

After the first date, before you pursue, first conversation...??

And when a good time would be to bring it up.

My main partner, boyfriend, basically...has expressed that he would like to know at first interest and I'm wondering how others do it. There is someone I am currently interested in but he lives about an hour away so I'm not sure I would actually pursue it. I am going to tell the boyfriend, since he expressed wanting to know, but I'm wondering what other people do in this case.

Would you tell your primary even if you weren't sure you were going to pursue...?

skittleskittens 10-06-2013 12:39 AM

My boyfriend and I have the agreement that if either:
a) sexual encounters are going to happen more than once
b) an emotional attachment is going to form
then we will discuss it with the other one.

LovingRadiance 10-06-2013 01:01 AM

I tell my partners everything.
If I meet someone at school-and we say hello, I tell them.
If I have coffee with someone or I have a conversation with someone in line at the coffee shop, I tell them.
If I am even remotely attracted to someone I may never speak to-I tell them.

But-I damn sure tell them before I ever consider asking someone on a date or accepting an invite.
I keep them up to date along the way.

So for example, last October I met a lady at an event and for a joint interest purpose we exchanged email addresses. GG was actually with me and saw the sparks fly. But, I had told Maca about meeting her, before the event was over. We talked via text.
I talked with them in depth before I ever emailed her or made any remark to her about interest.
I kept them posted when I decided to ask her to go for a walk.
Also when I dropped a "thank you" card for her at her work after she helped me find some books I was looking for.
They knew before we went on any dates and when we went on dates, they knew how it went.
They were the first to know when I realized that she wasn't any longer a potential, just a friend.

I find that fully open communication is the level of depth I prefer in any relationship. I want to know my partners can tell me anything at all and vice versa. So, I keep them up to date with what is going on in my head from "WOW look at that hair" all the way through whatever else might come of the thought.

Keeping current relationships strong and fully involved is a critical component to being able to be free and easy. For me.

alibabe_muse 10-06-2013 01:23 AM

Like LR
I'm the same as LR.

GreenAcres 10-06-2013 02:09 AM

Somewhere in between
I tell them as soon as I feel any potential interest with someone who is a reasonable candidate (meaning, not a woman I saw on the train but didn't talk to, necessarily, but definitely a woman with whom I felt an attraction and was considering asking out/hanging out with/meeting in a group/etc.).

I keep them up-to-date, but they don't get gory details. So, "we had dinner and a movie, and sex," yes. "We had dinner, ate sushi and I ordered the seaweed salad; we watched the latest Star Wars and she hated that everyone kept looking for Kirk and didn't care about the hundreds of thousands of people that just died; we went back to her house and did X sexual thing, Y sexual thing, and then WXZ thing that involved monkeys and chandeliers." No.

Inyourendo 10-06-2013 03:59 AM

I meantion it when I'm ready to start putting feelers out.

pulliman 10-06-2013 04:51 AM

I am also like LR. I just share it all.

But this is new. And I love it. It is totally liberating. Then again, I'm poly saturated right now, with zero interest in new attractions. A wife, a local lover, a LDR?! I don't see myself being attracted anew for a long while...

InsaneMystic 10-06-2013 06:31 AM

Hasn't happened yet, so I'll know it if and when I get there...

Someone whom I call a partner (in my life, that's been only two persons - R., currently and for the last five years; and one other person for a few months during the year before I met R.) would already know about people whom I consider other close friends; so it would just be one additional step to take when I and another friend choose to call each other partners, too... I guess I'd probably mention it to R. more or less immediately if and when that label change happens.

For me, someone who isn't a close friend already won't be eligible as a potential partner, anyway... and to me, the difference between "close friend" and "partner" is mostly a question of labels to start with. *shrug*

Hoyam 10-06-2013 10:21 AM

I am new to this (met my boyfriend and afterwards found out about poly). So i told everything from the start.
Normally i also tell special things that happened during the day so i guess if i was in your situation my husband would already know i met the guy, and so he would notice himself also i like him. But again, it never happened to me.

By the way, i think it's funny you write that the man lives an hour away. My boyfriend lives in another country, another continent. For me it's sometimes easy, because it's two different worlds.

Nadya 10-06-2013 11:41 AM

Me and my husband have agreed about telling each other before the first date. I have promised to my OSO (he is mono) to let him know if I get interested in another person - at the moment that is not very likely, have my hands full with these two loves.

My husband does not want to know each and every detail about my life. I am much more curious about what is happening to him and actually he enjoys telling me about who he has been chatting with, his friendships and potentials. So yes, I do know well beforehand if anything is to happen. And like it that way.

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