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-   -   I crossed a boundary. What do I do now? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5695)

telesync 01-20-2011 09:49 PM

I crossed a boundary. What do I do now?
 
My wife and I decided to open our marriage up about a month ago. Since opening, I have been on three dates and she has been one. She was anxious as I related that one of my dates seemed like it could very well lead to sex. She was not ready for that. She needed time to process and she felt it was important for her to go first in the sex department. I agreed to this boundary and the clear distinctions of what constituted "sex." I understand the reason for these boundaries and they made sense.
Fast forward to THE date, and things got heated, but I kept my pants on and zipped. That said, I crossed the boundary and it was not the fault of my date. I came home that night and confessed to my wife that I crossed the boundary and took full responsibility. I apologized, gave her time to vent and be frustrated. But this has not gotten easier with time. She is very hurt that I crossed this boundary and now says she has problems believing my word and even looking at me.

While I understand that she is in pain, it is hard to continue to watch her feelings of anguish. I am starting to feel like she is the one continuing to fuel her own anger at me. Yes, I certainly broke the rule. But the rule was going to passed by as we both intended that opening the marriage would result in sex with other people as well as relationships. And I didn't maliciously cross the line. It was in the heat of the moment.
I love her dearly. I want to continue with my relationship with her. Our life, our family together is very important to me. She is my anchor. But it seems to me if she continues on feeling this way, the relationship can never heal. And I want to set us on the right course sooner, rather than later.

My question is, have you been on the other side before and what helped you move forward? What did the "cheating" partner do that helped you get past this or what might have helped?

Thanks for your answers in advance.

lovinhimloviner 01-21-2011 12:03 AM

You have just skated the very edge of this life and are already breaking the rules. If my husband cheated on me I would put an end to this life style until I was 100% sure I could trust him. If there is no trust then you can't succeed in this lifestyle, or any real healthy marriage. I would say it is something YOU have to work on not so much getting her past it. You are justifying cheating on her with the fact that you are going to be able to do it. You should see if your wife would like to get on her. There is so many threads on her that could give you insight as to why trust and boundaries are so important. I would give her a long time to get over this. It will not happen over night.

Ariakas 01-21-2011 12:35 AM

If it was a boundary, they are bound to be...stretched. You didn't push it that far.

If she can't handle being in an open relationship she shouldn't be. Her concept of her going first is proof she isn't likely in a place for it. That gives her all the control, thats why she is losing it.

You "cheating" won't help your future successes of course. That will take some time to re-heal. Dont rush either as the scab comes off pretty easily.

I am not sure what you can do to get past it except continue talking and figure out why the rule was in place and discuss it. Figure out the root of why she wanted that absolute control and work within that range. Only time will heal what happened.

ps...a month isn't very long, you may have to exercise some patience ;)

redpepper 01-21-2011 01:20 AM

Was it a rule or a boundary. I am no good with rules, which is why we don't have them; rules are meant to be broken in my mind... boundaries are fluid and negotiable.

I have broken boundaries and so have my loves... it is sometimes a good thing so as to know that they really are boundaries and know that you can come back from them. Also to know how important the boundary is for a person. This is an unfortunate realization the first few times around, but it gets easier to cope as you go along. It isn't easy for anyone concerned a lot of the time...

SO! that being said... I don't suggest that you go ahead and push push push... that isn't fair and of course she won't trust you. But you have every right to make a mistake by falingl into a situation where you didn't know there was a boundary there, didn't understand the boundary entirely or just forgot... there are often a LOT of boundaries to remember as you start out.

I think a bit of forgiveness on this could be asked for at some point. Dwelling on anger and lack of trust is a little selfish at some point. It might be time she came back from that and everyone chalk it up to lesson learned... next time you will know how she will react, will do your best to pay more attention and act with more integrity because you will keep your word... she needs to let you show that you are trustworthy. You can't do that if she doesn't give you another chance. Integrity is built and not just a given.

BrigidsDaughter 01-21-2011 02:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by telesync (Post 62214)
My wife and I decided to open our marriage up about a month ago. Since opening, I have been on three dates and she has been one. She was anxious as I related that one of my dates seemed like it could very well lead to sex. She was not ready for that. She needed time to process and she felt it was important for her to go first in the sex department. I agreed to this boundary and the clear distinctions of what constituted "sex." I understand the reason for these boundaries and they made sense.
Fast forward to THE date, and things got heated, but I kept my pants on and zipped. That said, I crossed the boundary and it was not the fault of my date. I came home that night and confessed to my wife that I crossed the boundary and took full responsibility. I apologized, gave her time to vent and be frustrated. But this has not gotten easier with time. She is very hurt that I crossed this boundary and now says she has problems believing my word and even looking at me.

While I understand that she is in pain, it is hard to continue to watch her feelings of anguish. I am starting to feel like she is the one continuing to fuel her own anger at me. Yes, I certainly broke the rule. But the rule was going to passed by as we both intended that opening the marriage would result in sex with other people as well as relationships. And I didn't maliciously cross the line. It was in the heat of the moment.
I love her dearly. I want to continue with my relationship with her. Our life, our family together is very important to me. She is my anchor. But it seems to me if she continues on feeling this way, the relationship can never heal. And I want to set us on the right course sooner, rather than later.

My question is, have you been on the other side before and what helped you move forward? What did the "cheating" partner do that helped you get past this or what might have helped?

Thanks for your answers in advance.

Maybe this is none of my business, but in what way did you break the rules? You say things got heated and you crossed a line, but you kept your clothes on with your date. How narrow or broad was your wife's definition of sex? Some rules are essentially setting yourself up for failure - hence why boundaries are a better way to go.

When I first started my relationship with Wendigo, there was one rule: no intercourse. At the time the relationship was purely BFWB and we thought it wouldn't go any further than that so there was no question we'd follow it. Fast forward a month or so and not only had we slept together, but we'd fallen for each other. Wendigo left our house in tears to tell Pretty Lady. She accepted that we'd had sex, but it took a few months( read 4) before she could accept the love. She really is a remarkable woman and I'm willing to bet that your wife is too and she just needs some time to adjust.

Del5158 01-21-2011 06:32 PM

As a relative newcomer to this, I can tell you that it is not odd to be threatened by just about everything at first. My wife is actively poly and has three lovers. I don't have any or actually want any at this point.

I did encourage her to go for it when we first discussed the possibility of a poly lifestyle. The first few times she had sex with another man definitely scared me as much as it turned me on. Now, I am not scared at all and I am actually not as turned on by her sex now as by her happiness.

My advice is to give your wife what I need from my wife-- constant reassurance that she is and always will be No. 1, and plenty of affection.

Senga 01-25-2011 03:45 PM

As you have learned from this experience, if you don't do what you say, then it opens up a can of rotten shit worms.

In my opinion, if there was an agreement, it does not matter what the agreement was, you had the obligation to follow the agreement. If you don't like the agreement, then don't agree to it. Or discuss it until you find you can follow it. Agreement= Promise. Don't follow your promises & there is not much trust or happiness.

For her: She will have to take the process to truly forgive. Acceptance that it was not intentional. She will also need to let go of the control factor that is inhibiting you both. Explain how this is inhibiting you. (other posters have explained this & I agree)

For you: You yourself need to realize that it was dumb and selfish on your part! You have to trust yourself that you Can and Will follow your own agreements. Not only did you break the agreement to your wife, you broke the agreement to yourself. You misjudged yourself & therefore made an agreement that was not good for you. It can be hard to follow through on agreements I realize, especially in the heat of the moment. But dude! Did you really think that agreements are made for times when there is no pressure? The answer is NO, agreements are made FOR times when there is pressure and irrationality & emotions. If you want to reach your goals, you need to lay on a good foundation, stop walking backwards. A little self discipline will save you more heartache and problems than you can ever know. I assure you & I encourage you to try it.

I hope I didn't offend you by being so direct, I really saw a huge improvement in my relationships and I would love for that to happen for you guys.


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