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-   -   in over my head (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=56831)

pcflvly 10-04-2013 07:10 AM

in over my head
 
I'm almost fifty and thought I would never even have another relationship. She is married, only thirtyeight, and they were always swingers but never polyamorous. We started seeing each other and after two weeks she told her husband. She didn't tell me she was going to although I knew it was inevitable. They worked out a deal where she could see me as long as she didn't spend the night and that we didn't go out of town. He also wants to meet me at some unspecified point in the future. I don't have much experience with this type of relationship. I feel very easy with her and really care about her. She admires me and has made it pretty clear how important I am to her. Now it's two weeks later... There's a lot more I would say but I don't know where to begin. So is this polyamory or what?

london 10-04-2013 10:28 AM

Well the fact that she waited two weeks to tell her husband about you would not fly with a lot of people but maybe that's fine in their relationship. You should just think about the things that you are going to need from her to keep being happy with this relationship. They seem to be telling you hat they need, you get a say too. And yeah, seems pretty poly to me

pcflvly 10-04-2013 03:02 PM

The fact that she waited two weeks... it seems she has a record of regular flings and most of her paramours are strewn by the wayside. She decided to keep me though.

What do I need? I need for her to keep her primary relationship together. I don't want her so in love with me that they suffer. That's the big one for me. She has two kids, a 14 year old and a ten year old. I'm a secret from them. I don't like that she has to keep secrets. Meanwhile my teen girls, 15 and 17, know all about her. She had supper with us last night. I don't want her to move in with me though. I like living alone, well, it's just me, one of my daughters, and a disabled relative.

Okay, this is what got me confused. I met another girl. It was just a brief encounter at the pub and we only talked for a minute there. Since then we struck up a conversation. So I told my poly girl that I was going to ask her out. It was our first fight. She got jealous, very jealous but tried to hide it. When I called her out on it she started beating herself up repeating that she had no right to be jealous. I guess it's kind of scary to me to find that she likes me so much.

I sent her this though, "Your feelings do matter and it is indeed a different dynamic than mine. You have a husband and a sweet primary lover (insensitive sometimes if you hadn't noticed) Your card is pretty full. If you have a fling, the other two are not at that much risk for losing you. Yes it's a possibility. Your husband might meet someone and have flings too and there again, he is going to come back. No risk or small risk of loss. However, if your lover meets someone, you might lose them. From what you've said it has happened before. *****, we've known each other for more than a month and have been seeing a lot of each other. I am emotionally invested in you and our relationship is important to both of us. You told him and you kept me and that kind of makes it a big deal. You went to bat for me. So, you are my number one girlfriend. I don't have any others right now and I'm not looking to replace you anytime soon. You must know that I am totally thrilled to be with you and I hope that doesn't change for a long time if ever."

gorgeouskitten 10-04-2013 07:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pcflvly (Post 235080)
The fact that she waited two weeks... it seems she has a record of regular flings and most of her paramours are strewn by the wayside. She decided to keep me though.

What do I need? I need for her to keep her primary relationship together. I don't want her so in love with me that they suffer. That's the big one for me. She has two kids, a 14 year old and a ten year old. I'm a secret from them. I don't like that she has to keep secrets. Meanwhile my teen girls, 15 and 17, know all about her. She had supper with us last night. I don't want her to move in with me though. I like living alone, well, it's just me, one of my daughters, and a disabled relative.

Okay, this is what got me confused. I met another girl. It was just a brief encounter at the pub and we only talked for a minute there. Since then we struck up a conversation. So I told my poly girl that I was going to ask her out. It was our first fight. She got jealous, very jealous but tried to hide it. When I called her out on it she started beating herself up repeating that she had no right to be jealous. I guess it's kind of scary to me to find that she likes me so much.

I sent her this though, "Your feelings do matter and it is indeed a different dynamic than mine. You have a husband and a sweet primary lover (insensitive sometimes if you hadn't noticed) Your card is pretty full. If you have a fling, the other two are not at that much risk for losing you. Yes it's a possibility. Your husband might meet someone and have flings too and there again, he is going to come back. No risk or small risk of loss. However, if your lover meets someone, you might lose them. From what you've said it has happened before. *****, we've known each other for more than a month and have been seeing a lot of each other. I am emotionally invested in you and our relationship is important to both of us. You told him and you kept me and that kind of makes it a big deal. You went to bat for me. So, you are my number one girlfriend. I don't have any others right now and I'm not looking to replace you anytime soon. You must know that I am totally thrilled to be with you and I hope that doesn't change for a long time if ever."

youre message to her is great. My BF and I have the same age difference as you two :) (that doesnt matter, but was just neat). I think youre spot on about why she got jealous...when Nudge discussed dating i got pretty jealous (he also has a wife) for just that reason, when it doesnt bother me that J dates. but we had been together a few months, you guys have not been togehter long so maybe she doesnt feel secure yet. I think you are on the right track. good luck

GalaGirl 10-04-2013 07:49 PM

Yep. If you are more than a fling? You sound like you are building some kind of open model with her and figuring out what the boundaries will be.

Are those limits acceptable to you? No overnights and no going out of town at this time?

If you don't LIKE being a secret, could tell your dating partner this, and your metamour (the husband.) Could tell them you expect to be negotiating when you will come "out" to her children, family, friends, etc. You don't want to be hidden.

Could meet the husband and see how it unfolds and you all negotiate "being poly" together. If it is not sounding like a runner after all? Could end it before it gets deeper and just be friends.

You were straight up to your new dating partner/not quite GF about asking the other woman out. I assume you were just as straight up with the potential date that you have another dating partner.

You could be reassuring and supportive as she works through her jealousy stuff. But you also don't have to promise things you are not willing/able to promise her. If you are ready, willing, and able, great. But this is a newish thing here. Could not rush.

You haven't lied or promised anyone exclusive/commitment type stuff at this time -- you don't have to unless you want to WHEN you want to.

Life is short. Much too short to live it less than authentically, ethically, and honestly. Play ball. Play well. ;)

Galagirl

pcflvly 10-04-2013 08:46 PM

Thank you for the insightful replies. Special thank you for your post Galagirl. That is extremely helpful. Yes, the potential date was fully aware that I am seeing someone although at that time I was defining her as a friend. I'm not as sure what to call it now. We have never said "I love you" to each other but have sent hearts and texted the single word "love" or "with love". Of course, I've expressed how much I love being with her. From simply holding her hand to making love. I just didn't expect her to fall in love with me. I know she has.

Yeah, no commitment at this time aside from what I posted already. I'm good at meeting people too but cautious about getting close so really don't have many dates. She is my only lover now. We see each other almost everyday. We made love Tuesday. We made love Thursday. Three hours of sensuous loving bodyplay last night. I'm 49 ladies. I've been around and with some real gods and goddesses too and I can say that sex with her is precious. Above and beyond the ordinary. I'm not all that inclined to desire anything else when I've got it so good. I'm thankful for her.

I do like the advice that there is no rush. This is new to me and for her too.

It's scary, there's never been anyone who she felt the need to bring more fully into her married life like she has me. Her previous affairs have been for fun and adventure and she found something different with me. (along with the fun and adventure) It scares the hell out of me. I don't want to break a heart. I don't want to damage a family. I want to be true to myself. She insists that being with me is way better than not because I keep her far too busy to be out, as she puts it, "getting in trouble".

I won't see her for four days now but after last night, she won't be far from my mind. I hope by Monday I'll have perspective again. :)

kdt26417 10-05-2013 12:21 AM

Hello pcflvly,
Welcome to our forum.

Anything romantic that involves more than two people, that has emotional involvement (and probably some kind of commitment), and that all involved parties have knowledge and consent to, is polyamory (from my understanding of the term). Swinging is strictly sexual play and does not not have any emotional involvement or strings attached (except between the two members of the couple who are swinging together).

Swinging and polyamory can overlap by the way. For example, there could be a three-person poly group (a V or a triad) who also see people on the side in a casual sense. So, they're "swinging," even though they're also part of a poly group.

So, your poly girl, is she open to the idea of you dating other women? It sounds like that's a struggle for her emotionally, but she doesn't really want to make you limited in that area. How do you feel about that?

It's a central concept in polyamory that you can be in love with two (or more) persons, without wanting to leave either person. How does your poly girl feel about this?

She has a husband; will you and he be meeting up soon? Any chance of striking up a friendship with him? (Sometimes that helps.)

Sounds like you have a special relationship with this lady, even if there are still many fears and unknowns. I hope Polyamory.com can be of help to you in getting that all sorted out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

GalaGirl 10-05-2013 03:20 AM

Quote:

It scares the hell out of me. I don't want to break a heart. I don't want to damage a family.
That is not within your control. You are not the only heart on the line. You are not the only person in the polyship on the line.

So long as she and her husband are aware you exist and on the same page about her having extramarital relationships? They are practicing an open or poly model ethically?

Then they know the risk. They either have the intrapersonal skills and interpersonal skills to play ball well. Or they don't.

Some relationships go the long haul, some do not. You know the risks too. You are not a teen dating person. ;)

At this time you seem to feel the pros outweight the cons. So... play ball. Could see how it unfolds.

People feel all sorts of things. If it comes time to part, all will be sad, and time will heal, and hopefully good memories remain because you all behaved authentically, honestly, ethically toward each other. It can end WELL.

You could talk about how you want to be as exes should that ever come to pass. Then you know what to expect from yourself and each other.

Quote:

I want to be true to myself.
Then you maintain good character and make sure your behavior is rooted in good character. That you CAN control.

Galagirl

pcflvly 10-13-2013 06:12 AM

I met her husband tonight. It was kind of awkward. I had ducked off earlier when I first saw him there but later I saw him alone and approached. I didn't tell him who I was at first but when I did he was very gracious. It was at an Oktoberfest dance and she was gorgeous. (she won second place for best dressed) I danced with her many times and with about fifteen other women too but not one of them was like her. Dancing with her was like making love. A natural fit. She was first place with me and I told her that I love her. It kind of spilled out while I was spinning her around. I wasn't sure that she heard me and said, "Did you hear what I said?" She said yes. I watched her dance with her husband too. They were awkwardly cute. I'll never get that image out of my head. He was such a terrible dancer but she is patient and loving with him. I felt bad later that I had just barged in. They hadn't invited me to come down there and tell him everything then dance with her. He wanted to meet me though. For me the time was right and if it was the only way I could dance with her tonight then it was worth it.

pcflvly 10-13-2013 05:54 PM

I was kind of drunk when I wrote that last night. It captures the moment fairly well. Meeting her husband was indeed the right thing to do. He is more comfortable with us now. "Better than Mike". Arggh... she told me that she loves me too.

Loose ends... the girl I had flirted with. Well, I went out of town for a few days and one night while I was gone my gf texted and said, "Guess who I'm out drinking with?" of course it was my flirt and she said that they were talking about me. After a couple OMGs and some bewilderment I got my wits together to say, "I hope you're buttering her up for me." She said, "We both live vicariously through you." So I said, "Sounds like she's already well oiled." That was due to my having told each of them about the other woman I had met out of town where I was at who had offered me her milk swollen tilts and let me drink to my health.

I finally did meet the flirt again. We met so I could give her an astrological reading. I started to tell her about her potentials but when she found out that I could also analyze composite charts, only wanted to see what potential she might have with me. I asked her what she thought of my girlfriend stalking her and she laughed.

I could really go on here. I'm finding a strong attractiveness in myself that is all new to me. I walked around a corner last night and a woman immediately pointed at me and started saying I don't know what but she was attracted to me. She was on her way for a bit but begged me to stay until she got back. The night before a lone woman came through town on her way to the concert and I overheard her talking about herbs, plantain, with some other people over a beer and that's an easy conversation for me to get in on. We exchanged numbers. The day before I went to a concert in the park kind of thing and a woman there offered me a beer then I saw her downtown the next day and so we went for another. A couple days before that I was leaving the gathering I had attended out of town (the one with the milk bar) and as I was getting goodbye hugs, this young lady gave me the most sensuous hug so I said, "that's a great hug". She pulled her head back from my shoulder and said, "But ****, I just love you. I really love you." I tell my girlfriend about all this. It's been a wild ride and makes me believe that the universe is conspiring to shower us with blessings if we would only allow it. I'm choosing to be happy.


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