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-   -   disagreeing vs. "you're wrong and here's why" (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5667)

Karma 01-20-2011 09:28 AM

disagreeing vs. "you're wrong and here's why"
So, what's the difference between telling someone that you disagree with them on something and why that is, or why it offends or bothers you, and telling them that they are wrong about something?

Apparently, I lack the ability to disagree without making someone feel like they are wrong for their views/opinions/feelings/whatever.

Ariakas 01-20-2011 05:33 PM

Wow...interesting question. Are you overbearing when you disagree? Or you disagreeing with things that are personal opinion?

S - I believe in God
A- You are wrong

is a douche bag move. I don't believe in God, but to tell someone they are wrong because they do. Not good form.

This depends solely on context. In debate, you rarely tell someone they are wrong. It will get you beat like a floundering fish. You lay out your arguments and counters and a consensus is discussed.

Also, for the record "you're wrong" can be very abbrasive. If thats the wording you use, you may just have to work on your approach :D

SNeacail 01-20-2011 06:20 PM

Looking forward to hearing all the responses here and actually learning something.:D

My husband and I will be having a discussion and when he has a different opinion, he will say "No, ...", which immediately puts me on the defensive and what I hear is "YOU ARE WRONG!". He claims he wasn't tossing aside my opinion or trying to tell me that I'm wrong, but was just voicing his opinion, but that's the way it made me feel. Tone of voice and intensity of the statement can also trigger automatic defenses. I'm still working to get him to qualify his opinions as such. If I know upfront that he is just voicing his view and not trying to tell me I'm wrong, I can have a much more rational discussion.

I need explanations for almost everything. So when I ask him "Why are you doing it that way?" He hears "That's not the way to do that!" He immediately thinks I'm trying to criticize him. Truth is that most of the time I really want to know his reasons behind something, because I might be missing something or I just want to learn something.

Jade 01-21-2011 12:14 AM

I think, in it's simplest form, saying that you disagree and explaining how you think or feel about something is offering information for consideration. Telling someone, however, "you're wrong," whether intended or not, is a verbal dismissal. It provokes a defensive response. When we're in defensive mode, we are not listening, we're usually rehearsing our next line. In the end, unless you're talking something concrete like, oh... 2+2=4, it's a poor communication process. We're creatures of feeling. Working through difficulties requires validation of those feelings (even if they're wrong... sometimes especially if they're wrong).

Reflective listening can be a good way of getting through the "no" or "you're wrong" communication. Purposing to first listen, understand, and communicate back to your partner what you perceive... "I hear you saying xyz. Am I understanding you correctly?" goes a long way toward dissipating rapid communication fire and escalation of bad feelings.

Jade 01-21-2011 12:16 AM

Funny how you can know something, yet not consistently practice it:rolleyes:

SNeacail 01-21-2011 12:16 AM


Originally Posted by Jade (Post 62248)
Funny how you can know something, yet not consistently practice it:rolleyes:

LOL - Ain't that the truth.:p

Somegeezer 01-21-2011 02:45 AM

It depends whether they are wrong as to if you're able to say it. If it is something liek the existence of God which cannot be proven, to say they are wrong would be just idiotic. But there's also to way you tell them. Just being straight up and saying "you're wrong" means nothing without proof. So giving your knowedge on why it is wrong, then gives them the evidence they need to change their mind. If they still believe after that, well that's entirely up to them. You know what the real answer is and can be happy in that. I tend not to tell people they are wrong unless I know definitely, no doubt about it, that I know the real answer and have an explanation why. Otherwise, I just treat it as another opinion and respect it.

nycindie 01-21-2011 05:00 AM

It helps to remember that sometimes (or often times), no matter how carefully you word it, the person to whom you are speaking is listening through their own filters of "I'm always wrong." You could treat the topic as gingerly and respectfully as possible, but if someone always sees themselves as victimized and made wrong by others, that's just their own shit. Your responsibility is to be as clear, direct, honest, and gentle as possible, acknowledging your views without pointing fingers, but you won't be heard if the other person isn't truly listening. So you really have no control over how your words are taken, just over how you communicate them. It's up to the other person to stop their internal dialogue and HEAR you.

LovingRadiance 01-22-2011 05:59 AM

Repeat what you think that they meant and ask them if it's what they meant.

Then ask if they wanted your opinion before giving it.

I think it's a good practice to ask if someone wants your opinion before giving it, often times, they don't want it.

Morningglory629 01-22-2011 09:11 AM

Well think of it this way, if you can agree to disagree...can you agree with your debate adversary that he/she is wrong? No you can't. A debate cannot end with "well you are wrong and that is it." So I would say-and my love
2Rings argues a point to death. There is no simple, agree to disagree with him- if it is an important issue, and you and your SO are not seeing eye to eye, and compromise is your best bet...YOUR mannerism should be more diplomatic. You should never go into a negotiation without good faith or respect for the other side's opinion. Just because you have a different perspective, does not make another's POV wrong. SHouting, demeaning an emotion or POV is not productive. As amatter of fact, I have learned recently to change my tactics in an argument. Not necessarily to win (although that is ALWAYS bonus:D) but rather to minimize the discord. I HATE for an argument to linger and fester all kinds of other relationship viruses!

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