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deedeebee 09-29-2013 07:41 PM

Unplanned poly
How the heck did I end up here? Never dreamed I'd be associating with any polyamorous anything. I've been with my husband for 38 years and we've been married for 33 years. We got into swinging about three years ago...looking for adventure. Overall, we had very positive experiences as swingers, and I particularly enjoyed making contact with people and exploring the possibility of having sexual experiences. There was one couple, who lived near us, who became friends and whom we saw regularly. We also had another couple we saw rather regularly for about a year. We enjoyed going to clubs and parties to socialize with other couples and occasionally hook up. Six months ago we went to a club and met a new couple. The four way connection was instantaneous and intense. We had never had such a connection with another couple. In a few weeks, my husband informed me that he had lost interest in being with any other woman except this new woman. As much as I was into the guy, I found this very threatening because of the emotional implications. I saw it as the end of our swinging life and the entrance to polyamory, which seemed like a crazy, dangerous path. I fought with my husband about his feelings and talked openly with the other guy about my emotional struggles. It was a tumultuous time for me, with lots of tears and confusion. About a month or so into the relationship, I agreed to having an exclusive relationship. My boyfriend's patience and support and understanding kept me seeking a way to embrace what we had, as frightening as I found it. I couldn't imagine a life without him in it, and yet I struggled with all that implied. Jealousy and fear were constantly cropping up for me. Open communication for the group and acceptance of my feelings by everyone involved, finally brought me to where I am today....in love with two men. I had been saying for months that we were no longer in the lifestyle, but were actually polyamorous. It was just recently that the group embraced this fact, which came as relief to me...finally calling what we have, exactly what it is.

kdt26417 09-29-2013 08:57 PM

Hello deedeebee,
Welcome to our forum.

I've heard many stories over the years of swingers making the transition to polyamory, and the stories always have a good deal of fear and insecurity over adding emotions (and commitment!) to the sexual mix. All I can tell you is when it works, it works well, and it's really worth it. Most of the time it does work, as illustrated by your own story. How wonderful for the four of you to be able to open up to each other in every way!

Have a look around on our threads and boards, and learn as much about polyamory as you can. Communication is probably the most important topic to explore, and always will be as it's a lifelong learning experience. Try a search (or a tag search) for "communication," and check out our Golden Nuggets board as well; it covers a lot of the basics you need to know in a polyamorous life. Above all, post and let us know any time you have a thought, question, or concern you want or need to share.

Don't know how relevant this is, but I should mention that I know a few polyamorists who are also continuing to be swingers on the side. So poly and swinging aren't always mutually exclusive, they can have some overlap. Your four-person family (I think quad would be the right word) can decide whether you prefer to be exclusive to each other, or whether you want to allow each other to "play on the side."

In any case, I hope Polyamory.com provides you with friendships and insights, and enhances your poly experience. Glad to have you aboard!

Kevin T.

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