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-   -   My partner's mono girlfriend is not ok with polyamory. Help? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=56442)

purelyparadox23 09-27-2013 04:26 PM

My partner's mono girlfriend is not ok with polyamory. Help?
 
One of my partners has a long-distance mono girlfriend who got brought into the poly situation against her will. They dated on and off before he met me, then he decided to be poly, and he would have dumped her if she didn't allow it, which I didn't realize until after I'd been seeing him for a few months. Understandably she struggles a lot with this and it's fairly obvious that she loves him and wishes she was the only girl in his life. He keeps saying that she's getting better and coming to terms with it, but my gut tells me otherwise. I've heard her speak to him about me very harshly (as in, "You had breakfast with HER? I thought SHE got up later than you.") and tries to control any aspect our relationship she can get away with (She told him I'm not allowed to send him dirty pictures despite the fact that he sees me naked regardless, and she won't let him take on any new partners). Now he keeps talking about marrying her and having kids with her while still seeing me/being poly. How can that possibly be a good idea? I've told him that I think he should either stop being poly and give her what she needs or end it with her before she gets hurt any more, but he claims he's committed to being poly and that she will eventually come around. "If she didn't want to try being poly she could dump me!" I'm concerned that if they did eventually get married she would either force him to stop being poly by threatening to divorce him or not let him see his kids, or that she would just resent me forever and teach their kids to hate me. I already hate feeling like "the other woman" and I certainly don't want to become a home wrecker. I do care about my partner and if I broke it off with him he'd be heartbroken, yet I don't know how to express my dislike of the situation without looking like I'm trying to break them up. He's utterly convinced that she'll pull through but I'm skeptical - at least if I were in her position I'd feel insecure and never be ok with it since he never really gave her a choice. So what should I do? :/

Inyourendo 09-27-2013 06:42 PM

If it were me I'd move on. I'm not one to put up with that kind if drama.

sdguitarguy 09-27-2013 08:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by purelyparadox23 (Post 233799)
which I didn't realize until after I'd been seeing him for a few months.

This is the disturbing part of your message for me. He is not communicating honestly. He just happened to forget mentioning this other person?

And getting married to a mono while being "poly" with you doesn't sound poly at all - more like he wants to eat his cake and have it too.

It doesn't seem like you're going to get your needs met here.

PolyinPractice 09-27-2013 08:59 PM

poly?
 
That doesn't sound like poly. It sounds like cheating. Is that really where you want to be?

alibabe_muse 09-28-2013 12:26 AM

I'd move on. I'm debating the same thing with PR. I thought I'd be okay in our evolving relationship and he's met another girl (100% fine with it) & it makes me feel like I'm probably wasting my time and possibly missing out on meeting someone else who is more poly than mono.

Marcus 09-28-2013 12:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by purelyparadox23 (Post 233799)
... against her will... he never really gave her a choice.

What happened is that he gave her the choice, and of her own free will she decided to stay with him even knowing that he was not going to be monogamous with her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by purelyparadox23 (Post 233799)
I've told him that I think he should either stop being poly and give her what she needs or end it with her before she gets hurt any more, but he claims he's committed to being poly and that she will eventually come around

Now *you* have a choice to make in how you want to express your free will. Do you stay with this fellow and hope that his controlling nutjob of a girlfriend gets "better"? Or do you give him the ole "I dig you, but until you get that situation sorted out I'm afraid I don't want to date you. Call me when you're not dating a controlling partner"

Personally I'm not interested in having a romantic partner who is subject to some other persons whim. That includes controlling and interfering family or a mono cowgirl.

Dirtclustit 09-28-2013 10:49 AM

If there is obvious problems occurring
 
but your think your boyfriend has potential to be someone who is worth having a relationship with, you could try talking it over with him before coming to an actionable decision.

The next time he is oblivious to how it becomes impossible to not have their relationship bleed into the mood of yours, try stating the obvious, not all people feel threatened by something as little as a suggestion

If your boyfriend is frying eggs in a pan without butter and starts getting worked up because they are sticking to the pan, is he the type of person that will bite your head off for letting him know the butter is in the fridge?

or worse

after biting your head off does he -- the next day -- explain the reason you deserved that nip in the bud is because you are trying to control and interfere in his life and you need to deal with your insecurity issues regarding cooking breakfast because it isn't his responsibility to walk on the egg shells and if you need someone to pussyfoot around your inability to maturely handle polyamory you are so obviously mono he finds it amusing you can't see the forest through his great advice that any monkey could stumble through polyamory easier than you could

but you just don't listen do you

because if he is the type of person to decided this new girl is mature enough to decide she will try to cook eggs because he offered that as the alternative to breaking up -- and she is as good as a cook as captain obvious -- some people have a heart to show her where the butter is rather than watch and criticize or complain that there's no toast after she is a good enough sport to not bail after being set up and then knocked down

Some people are mature enough to be worth some effort to have a relationship, but if you aren't compatible or have no problem with not having an element of abuse in your relationship dynamic it may be wise consider opting out of mature and responsible style of relationships

but don't fell bad, you just were too kneejerky and emotional to handle polyamory. If you read around and search the tags you might get a sense of what it takes should you one day decide you are ready

Dirtclustit 09-28-2013 11:42 AM

but if you are talking about non-monogamy
 
and you problem isn't idiots cooking breakfast and your refridgerator isn't broken and if it was you wouldn't be stupid enough to not fix it or get a new one that doesn't need a couples constitution or laws written because you are too controlling with your frozen foods

what happens most of the time is boyfriend doesn't use exactly the same language he does with you when he is speaking to her. It's much easier to avoid dealing with the issue of sex by not actually mentioning which people he is having sex with and telling her he cannot offer an exclusive relationship. In this method all people are referred to as friends and he can deal with the real issue with a greatly reduced responsibility because it allows him to control/abuse her by using a condescending tone is she is having any trouble. He implies she makes mountains out of molehills and informs her that while it seemed like a overnight trip make include sex, there was none and it is just an old friend and she really needs to get a grip.

So long as he is only sleeping with the people that she would feel stupid and controlling to even ask, and every time it looks like a situation were sex is involved he can make it appear like she is doing it again and making mountains out of molehills he may even get her to apologize for the abuse she is receiving.

Of course it may all be much more unintentional, and completely innocent and just coincidence, I usually know my friends well enough to know who is and isn't working an angle so sometimes I might ask, "so what did your boyfriend say about US having sex yesterday?"

You would be surprised how vague people can be, or worse as if the conversation I was having actually better described her boyfriends reaction to us having coffee yesterday because her actually wording was that she hung out with me and not fucked me, but not that the worda "hung out" and "fucked" weren't chosen for the desired reaction -- or to avoid a reaction from her boyfriend.

It's been my experience that non-monogamy is easier to handle when terms used do not avoid the very actions that I know my girlfriend may actually be concerned with

Whether it's calling an event "having coffee" instead of a "date" or not disclosing unprotected sex because I know she doesn't have a problem with barrier at all times sex is manipulating a partner

although some like to refer to it as not causing drama

there is the occasional "semantics" issue among the "evolved" and "enlightened" crowd but when semantics is the issue it is never, and I mean never a one sided issue where the semantics favored one party over another

as if everyone was all on the same page, with the same translation and the same rated edition (R as opposed to PG) suddenly the labels might reverse and it turns out the drama queen was the about as patient and understanding as a person can get without being sedated and the poly pro was a criminal level manipulator

but honestly, it is never ever, painted like that intentionally

and if it is intentional it is probably not the one made out to be the asshole who is the asshole

if you know what I mean

Icewraithonyx 09-29-2013 03:39 AM

I'm coming at this from the POV of the reluctant mono. Wife surprised me with non-monogamy and, like your partner's GF, I felt like I was trapped between a partial relationship or Zero relationship. I chose partial and had to struggle with a lot of resentment. Some of which I'm still dealing with.

There's a reason so many "Beginning Poly" resources strongly advocate that you should only accept a polyamorous relationship if YOU really want to. Not to try to hold on to (part of) an existing relationship. GF has made that mistake and it's likely not going to work out for her. So in my experience, just waiting for her to "pull through" and be okay with polyamory is unrealistic.

Also, I'd second sdguitarguy's concern about it taking a few months before you were aware of the situation. Bit of a red flag, that. I'm wondering if you've had the opportunity to communicate with GF directly? Maybe she'd be less prone to vilifying you if she were able to see you as more than a "home wrecker". :) She may not be open to that but it's something to try. As things are going now, this is going to be a messy situation. Esp if marriage gets involved while she's reluctant.

GalaGirl 09-29-2013 03:11 PM

Quote:

One of my partners has a long-distance mono girlfriend who got brought into the poly situation against her will. They dated on and off before he met me, then he decided to be poly, and he would have dumped her if she didn't allow it.
Correction -- he could dump her any time. He just doesn't, and blameshifts. He's being mean in not being firm about ending it because they are not compatible. He's stringing her along for whatever reason.

That she herself is allowing herself to be strung along right now is another story. Perhaps she's still grieving and not at "final acceptance" yet. Who knows?

But him?
  • Actively pursuing "polyshipping" while his partner is not ready/willing/able?
  • "Do this or else I'm abandoning you" talk? (And not just talk but telling YOU he does this to her?)
  • Plunging on for his jollies at her expense?

Ew! Be kinder to end it with her and come to polyshipping on a clean slate. His behavior toward her is less than stellar here.

He keeps you in the dark about her existing for months? That's not honest, open polyshipping. :(

His behavior toward you is less than stellar sounding also.

Quote:

He keeps saying that she's getting better and coming to terms with it, but my gut tells me otherwise.
And you have directly observed this for yourself? Or do you receive all info about her THROUGH HIM where he can "whitewash" it?

Does he tells you whatever just to get you to stay? At the expense of his other partner's well being? This is stellar behavior toward you OR her HOW? :(

I'd walk away from these "messy" people. Listen to your gut!

Quote:

Now he keeps talking about marrying her and having kids with her while still seeing me/being poly. How can that possibly be a good idea? I've told him that I think he should either stop being poly and give her what she needs or end it with her before she gets hurt any more,
You seem to see she is hurting. When you choose to continue participating in polyshipping with this man, are you ADDING to her hurt or TAKING AWAY from her hurt?

You could end it with him. You could give you what you might need -- Freedom from brewing dramafest type polyshipping. Even if you don't care at this time what's going on with her, you could care what is going on with YOU. This partner doesn't sound fun for your mental/emotional health. Does staying here ADD to your life enjoyment or TAKE AWAY from your life enjoyment?

There's 2 kinds of freedom -- freedom TO do something, and freedom FROM something.

Again... could listen to your gut. It's telling you something.

Galagirl


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