The thoughts and condition of Murasaki
I've decided to remove gender labels/identities/pronouns when discussing, or sharing things from my life. So some of the things I share here may feel chunky as I work out how best to do that. I decided that the gender identity of the people/characters in my story are not important to the story and therefor are not necessary.
I’ll start by sharing my early poly experiences, some about sexuality, and the configuration of my relationships (past, present, and future).
Ok So my LTR SO
(Kuroi) and I meet Freshman year of High School. This is before I recognized my interest is more than just the opposite sex. But I’ll get to that in a bit. High school had a lot of ups and down for Kuroi and I. A lot of turmoil in our teen years some was shared, and some was not. We did not establish ourselves as a couple right away, but many of our friends, classmates, and acquaintance recognized us as such well before we decided to call what we had a "dating" relationship.
During our second year as a "couple" we got split up, only 45 mins apart, but neither of us had a vehicle, so we were dependent on the adults in our lives. Since My adults were bent on keeping us apart, we ended up with a LDR over the phone relationship with the occasional meet up via school functions. During this period of forced separation Kuroi and I "dated" other people. Being teens these new relationships stayed non-sexual. This was not something we discussed, or expected of each other. It was just the nature of our personal situations. There was no discussion of rules, boundary's guidelines, veto's, or unacceptable practices. Completely unscripted, and unrecognized poly.
I was in my late teens when I moved in with Kuroi and his family. For the year preceding this life altering change Kuroi and I had been separated by several thousand miles. We were only able to see each other once during those months (almost a full year). Before I left for this very distant life away from Kuroi I proposed with a written poem. I believe my proposal was accepted, but no longer remember exactly what Kuroi said.
After moving in together other unpleasant situations arose some could be seen as poly relevant, but mostly they were growing pains. We were learning how to co-habitat, how to be adults and independent, and yet we were also discovering a dependence upon each other. We worked through these things together, the struggles we went through then, and the skills we learned at that time helped us to create what we have felt was a strong relationship.
Enter in legal marriage and parenthood. After we had lived together in harmony for a time I informed Kuroi that I was happy with the state of our relationship. I acknowledged that Kuroi did not want children (Kuroi knew that I did), and told Kuroi that if a time came where starting a family was wanted then legal marriage would have to be completed before our child was born. This was partly an old fashioned desire, that our child would have our last name, which requires marriage for both parent to share a last name (perhaps not required, but still a simple way to accomplish that).
So Kuroi proposed to me a few years later by saying it was time to start a family. BC was discontinued, heath insurance was adjusted, and saving increased. We became pregnant, and laid plans for a simple wedding at the court house. Some of Kuroi family and a local friend attended as witnesses. This occurred a little over a month before our due date.
In some ways the pregnancy was fun. Kuroi and I talked about the features we wanted for our child. Hair, skin, eye color, gender, including whose personality we wanted our child to follow, and whose brains the child should have. These kinds of plans were just idealistic silliness that do not in any way predict what would be (yes we knew this even then). They were what we indulged in none the less, and this whole experience allows us to tell our child (Momoiroi) how wanted, and planned her entrance into our live was. Not many children can say that, sadly.
I'm not sure where or when it happen exactly, but during our late teens, early twenties Kuroi and I heard about polyamory, we watched a couple documentary, read information in the still newish internet (I recall a site called Polyanna). We both expressed interest in poly, and our interest and discussion at that time would have us called "unicorn hunters". We wanted what I know now is called a Polyfi Triad. Another of those kinds of plans were just idealistic silliness that did not in any way predict what would be. We did not venture into poly land at that time, and after our child came along poly discussion ended. This ending to our poly discussion wasn't planned, or really talked about. It was the product of the new responsibility of being first time parents, and not being provided an instruction manual. :)
We did recently (in the last couple years) attempt a polyfi triad, although that is not how things began, nor is it how thing ended (or are ending?) It started out as an open V. By open here I mean that there was not a polyfi expectation. It was hoped for for later, and not really talked about outside of discussing the potential metamours the new relationship was bringing with it. In the end the V closed for a short time, but this only caused the Hinge to switch when the relationship style went back into a V. This was all done with no rules or guidelines from the beginning. There were boundaries discussed as things came up, but NRE blindness caused these to be transgressed. We ended up with Poly Hell things happening.
Unfortunately the blindness of NRE cause certain other aspects (red flags) of this new relationship to go unnoticed/unchallenged by the hinge. Now that NRE is over and these "red flags" and incompatibilities are being recognized for what they are things are really sticky. Attachments have been build, feeling are deeply involved. There are toes stepped on, respect, faith, and trust lost. So now to work out these kinks, and decide the direction of these relationships. Where will they go what will they look like? Is co-habitation still desired? Is co-habitation still feasible? What about co-parenting? Friendship, love, commitment?
To be continued . . . :P
How a Broken Heart Mends Herself
How a Broken Heart Mends Herself
by - Melissa Karnaze
When the heart grieves, she does it with soul.
She doesn’t rush herself, she doesn’t stay on the surface, she doesn’t do what’s supposed to be done.
She mourns, day and night, through consciousness and sleep… for as long as it takes… to slowly trust again.
When the heart is breached, by loss, betrayal, conflict, or trauma, she feels the blow. She shakes and she trembles. And she almost forgets that she has to beat… that she has to go on, for the body, for the mind, for the Soul.
But she does, because she’s strong. And she knows what she has to do to survive.
She knows what she has to do to heal. She has to feel.
All of it. Everything. The pain. The loss. The fury. The devastation. The sudden confusion. The emptiness. The ache — that never seems to go away.
She has to feel every bit of it, so she can learn… to love again.
Because the heart, she loves. That’s why she beats.
When she’s set back, she’s set back.
And you need to step back with her.
Give her time. Give her space. Listen to her needs. Trust her pain. Hear her story. And stay by her side.
When your heart is broken, she needs you the most. She needs you to know that you’ll both be okay.
The heart is so delicate because she is strong. So strong that she can love boldly, without ever looking back. That makes her vulnerable. That means she gets hurt. But she risks getting hurt, because she was meant to love.
A broken heart will heal, with enough tears, enough hugs, enough mornings slept in, enough walks among the trees, enough talks with good friends, and enough retreats into the inner realm of realizing what you have lost, and what you never can lose.
You don’t have to mend a broken heart. You just have to nurse her. You just have to be patient, and brave, and unafraid of your sorrow.
When you do this, mindfully, your heart will mend herself.
And it will be beautiful. Because she will love again.
Thanks Mindful Construct
I am enjoying your blog so far; looking forward to hearing more about how things are working out with your, is it a V (or is it a triad)? Are you open to dating new people? adding new people to your trio? In practice, I'm sure your child is keeping you busy enough.
I have noticed that certains terms cause misunderstanding, miscommunications, and often create underlying problems/issue with understanding in conversations within these forums. So for clarity on my part I am putting together some terms that can be taken to mean more than one thing depending on the understanding, beliefs, and experiences of the reader. I am combining a dictionary reference for some of these terms, as well as what I mean when I use the following terms. Hopefully this will reduce some misunderstanding within my posts.
Partner – anyone with whom a relationship has passed the getting to know you “friend” dating stage, and is in the dating as BF/GF, GF/GF stage. (Including NRE times)dictionary definition - (that pertain to relationships)
1. a person who shares or is associated with another in some action or endeavor; sharer; associate.
SO (Significant Other, or OSO-Other Significant Other) – Any relationship that still exists after the NRE period for both parties in that relationshipdictionary definition
1. a person, as a parent or peer, who has great influence on one's behavior and self-esteem.
Primary – any relationship containing major responsibilities to each other. (Examples: shared finances, co-habitation, co-parenting, and other commitments/entanglements). Yes this mean there can be more than one primary relationship/partner, and that a primary relationship does not require co-habitation.dictionary definition
1. first or highest in rank or importance; chief; principal
Marriage – includes both legally defined marriage, and non legal long term commitment with or without ceremony; including hand-fasting.dictionary definition
1. a legally, religiously, or socially sanctioned union of persons who commit to one another, forming a familial and economic bond
PDA – Public display of affection. Public can include just within the view of partners/metamours, in family settings, or out in public locations.These are the terms that I feel I may use, and have seen be part of misunderstandings in some posts. Any other terms I will offer my meanings as they come up; if I feel its something that posters to this forum relate to in different ways.
Dictionary definitions thanks to: http://dictionary.reference.com/
Sexuality, sexual orientation, gender identity
When pressed for my sexual orientation I typically state that I am Bisexual. It’s easy for the average person to understand, accept, and not ask what i mean. However I relate more closely with Pansexuality.
I have read a little bit about “Third Gender”, but this label does not apply to me, neither does it bother me to have an intimate relationship with someone who identifies their own gender as “third”. I recently discovered the label Polysexuality which I can relate to. However I have come to recognize that the term for my gender identity/sexuality is more closely described by pansexuality.
In my late teens and early twenties I first began to acknowledge that I was Bisexual. Looking back on my school years I recognized certain relationships with the same biological sex as being a crush (or having more meaning than just best friends) on my end. Kuroi and I figured this out in talking about my feelings surrounding the end of a long close friendship (same bio-sex) before Kuroi and I became involved. Kuroi accepted my bisexuality; however this was not something I was able to explore due to family/new child responsibilities taking precedence. I have only started relating to pansexuality in the last 4 or 5 years.
Kuroi identifies as straight, or heterosexual. But in some ways can be classified as Heteroflexible. Kuroi is not sexually aroused by same bio-sex interactions, but is not adverse to holding hands, giving/receiving massages, and kissing between Kuroi and a person of the same bio-sex. So Kuroi is ok with some (many) homosexual interactions, but would not be ok with homosexual sex.
I on the other hand have no such adverse response, I’m all for homosexual sex for myself, or for Kuroi (if Kuroi were interested), or for anyone who wants that in their life.
Perhaps this also explains my decision to remove gender pronouns/gender identity from my posting.
Words of wisdom
Not my words, but the words of someone who has been there, done that. :)
Sex positive upbringing?
Momoiroi has had a much more sex positive upbringing than I did, and I believe than Kuroi had as well. Or at least one that has been less sexually repressed. Allowing Momoiroi to explore sexuality, love, ect. more easily.
In elementary school Momoiroi experienced a first kiss with both bio-sexes. Momoiroi also experienced a first (and so far only) date. This date happened with the same bio-sex as Momoiroi (and was chaperoned by me). Momoiroi keeps in contact with that first date despite the multistate distance separating them once that family moved away. Yeah for social media, and Skype video! Momoiroi has more tools to keep up with long-distant friends and loved ones then I did as a child. Momoiroi’s first love moved away during elementary school, a year after they became a couple.
Momoiroi currently identifies as bisexual. However not all the hormones are present that could change Momoiroi’s sexual orientation. Momoiroi is now in middle school, and still considers that first date to be a partner/SO. Momoiroi I realized within this year is a young poly. Momoiroi “goes steady” with locals, and is in an LDR. Momoiroi talks about getting a first apartment with this LDR person. Will that happen? Perhaps, but then again maybe not. It’s still too early in Momoiroi’s life (sexual, romantic, or otherwise) to speculate with any certainty. In short Momoiroi came to poly naturally without influence from the parental adults in Momoiroi’s life “leading by example”.Kuroi and I didn’t attempt out currentl Poly till Momoiroi was about to start middle school. At which point she was already engaged an LDR with her first same bio-sex love, and “going steady” locally while her LDR was also “going steady” locally. And during the first summer Momoroi and her LDR were apart they did get a visit when her LDR came to town to visit other family. Not as much physically present time as an adult LDR, but still they maintain their relationship. Momoiroi and her first same boi-sex SO have been together for about 5 years, and have been “poly” for about 4 years. (They began their LDR poly before Momoiroi was exposed to poly by parental adults)
Kuroi and I never really discussed it, yet we decided, or agreed not to keep my bisexuality a secret, it’s not dirty, or anything to be ashamed of. This open approach, and our easy acceptance of the same-sex couples in our lives have had (what seems) a positive effect on Momoiroi. Not all of Momoiroi’s same-sex experiences have been positive. Momoiroi first year in middle school caused some stress when Momoiroi asked out a person of the same gender. At first this person was accepting, but over the weekend this changed. We believe this person spoke to their parent(s), and that is what changed things. It became a thing of gossip, that greatly hurt Momoiroi. This was an event that Momoiroi and I talked about a good deal, Momoiroi also talked to Kuroi about this.
Momoiroi was reminded that not all people are brought up the same way. Not all families are as accepting of all aspects of a persons life. And just like religious beliefs one must be careful whom they disclose sexual preferences to. This was an unfortunate learning experience, one Kuroi and I had hoped would not happen, but also expected, and knew could not be prevented. In conversations between Momoiroi and I, I made it clear that this person was losing out on a wonderful friendship at the very least. That it’s easy to find people who conform to social norms, and not so easy to find people who go their own way. That Momoiroi ways are unique to Momoiroi, and that losing out on this person as a possible friend/partner is not as big of a deal as it felt in that moment. Close minded “normal” middle-schoolers are a dime a dozen. By the end of that week Momoiroi had found the bisexual group, or the group of kids who are comfortable expressing alternative sexualities, and became friends with several of them.
The next year of school Momoiroi’s friends noticed that this person who had caused so much stress for Momoiroi the year before was attempting to befriend them (and Momoiroi). I suggested that Momoiroi accept this person offered friendship, but avoid disclosing any more preferences. Acceptance and forgiveness, be willing to put in as much effort towards friendship with this person as they are willing to put in to being Momoiroi’s friend.
In some ways I wish this sentiment was more prevalent in the poly world. Seeing things from the point of view that it is harsh to ask a mono person to "suck it up", "get a hobby" so that the poly person can enjoy the love of multiple people. Realizing the harshness of these statements should make being considerate to our partners easier. These are the things IMO that Poly people should acknowledge with their partner regularly.
Momoiroi, Kuroi I know it is difficult for you when I am not sharing my life, my time, and my attention with you. Thank you for accepting me, and giving me the opportunity to love others where and how I would like to. I love you two very much.
Deciding to Date - Discussions
So far the only information I have shared about the structure of my poly is that Kuroi and I were poly in High school (without realizing we were poly). And that our poly as married with a kid started with me as the hinge, became a triad, then Kuroi became the hinge.
As adults, the decision to start a family made us rethink acting on our poly interests. Our child would be a huge new responsibility, and the kids needs come first. So poly was put off. Meeting my ex, was unexpected. I wasn’t looking for a date/partner/SO. But this person found me. It was a very social setting, so Kuroi and I presented ourselves as married. Kuroi was supportive, and the door to poly was reopened.
Not long after Kuroi became the hinge, I decided I was ready to date. At the time I was not comfortable with the idea of meeting people while out at a club, bar, or such settings. I am also more interested in relationships with people who understand non-herterosexual romantic preferences/desires. A conversation with someone on OKC who was looking for the same thing called it a “friend revolution”. We had both come to the realization that our friends, and family’s are all hetero, and while most were accepting of our different romantic relationship needs (bi/Pan) they did not have an actual understanding of how our minds, and libado’s work.
While considering online dating sites - I had a conversation with Kuroi about what I was looking for, what I felt I had the time, money, and energy for. Kuroi was surprised that I was not looking for someone to spend several day/nights a week with. I was also more interested in someone who was already partnered, versus someone who was single. Of course one can not count on one preference being what they find.
At this point there was NO ONE I was considering dating at all. I was not getting out socially on my own, or in ways that would introduce me to potential SO’s (or even new friends).
The meat of my conversations with Kurio?
The potential pitfall of meeting someone face to face from an online source were discussed. Safety being key. The assumption I often hear at this point is not a surprise to me.
a) That in this discussion Kuroi would expect that I have my date over to our place first.
b) Or that I would be expected (by Kuroi) to go to my first date with Kuroi as "chaperone".
That however was NEVER considered by either of us. Our focus was on safety. We had never created “rules” for what was acceptable in poly between us.
There were all of two “rules” really they are more like expectations.
1) safety in meeting online person(s) face to face.
2) sexual safety
We discussed choosing places where I would be comfortable meeting. Public locations, coffee shop, book stores, events, hobbies activities. Meet my date there, get a feel for their physical personality, versus their online one, and decide at that point if I would be comfortable meeting (or moving to) a more private setting. Knowing my comfort level, should make setting up a date with someone much easier. If they are more comfortable in a more private setting then that’s something to be considered; however I intend to stick to my comfort level.
In other words, I was not OK meeting my date at my place, nor was I OK meeting my date at their place for the FIRST date. Which means that if that was a requirement, I would be outside my comfort zone, and would therefore not agree to such a request. I have this same reservation meeting friends (for the first time) outside of work environments. I do not invite them to my place, I do not accept invites to their place, nor do I invite Kuroi, or Momoiroi to tag along. If my friend wants to invite my family they can do so, it is not assumed.
One of the people I met on OKC specifically asked that I meet them with no one else, alone. I was surprised by this request. It would never have occurred to me to bring someone else to a first meeting/date with anyone. So I responded explaining that is not my style. The closest I would come to such an arrangement would be to be dropped of by Kuroi at the meeting location. I asked if that would present a problem, and promised to inform them if being dropped of would be necessary on my end.
Because I am married and filling out an OKC profile I asked Kuroi to do the same. I wanted interested people to see Kuroi’s account I was hopeful that this would alleviate “cheating” concerns. I also asked Kuroi to answer the poly-relevant questions that were findable through the questions on my profile. Kuroi agreed. In answering these questions, Kuroi also answered several others. Kuroi’s answers sparked further conversation.
I am not big on PDA with people I hardly know. Even with long time friends there is little PDA going on. One of my closest friend and I did not even hug until about 2 years ago (we had known each other for 6 years at that point). My friend made a comment about it, that pointed out the difference in our personal space requirements. I am one of those that does not like to be touched unless I have given permission. Permission takes time, I have to have a certain level of comfort, and safety within the relationship before I will be comfortable with PDA.
The question that sparked further conversation? What does it have to do with PDA?
The question asked about the likelihood of sex on a first date.
My answer: not very likely
Kuroi’s answer: likely - or likely, but not expected (I don’t remember, but Kuroi was much more open to that possibility then I was/am)
I asked Kuroi about that, explaining why I put not likely. I wanted to understand Kuroi’s more casual approach. Kuroi said that sex on a first date isn’t very likely for Kuroi either, but Kuroi choose to always leave room for passion. That saying it would “never” happen for you is cutting yourself off from having options, and it puts unrealistic expectations on oneself. Passion is an emotional thing, and there is nothing wrong with enjoying a positive emotion. If it leads to sex on a first date that is fine by Kuroi, for Kuroi, or for me.
Hmm, interesting. I had not thought about sex on a first date in that fashion. I decided not to change my answer, but to be open to the possibility of such an eventuality. So I asked another question.
Me: Kuroi, what about Safe sex practices? Anything you want me to keep in mind, or that you require of me?
Kuroi: *laughing* I’m not worried about it Murasaki, you are paranoid enough for the both of us.
Me: *smiling* Yeah I suppose so.
Somethings were not discussed, and are “assumed” so to speak. Or have been talked about in the moment. Things like staying out later than originally expected. (We do not have “curfews” though I meet someone who did). The expectation is to inform each other when plans change, so no one is in the dark worrying about the other.
Kuroi didn’t express any issues with any of the ideas I brought up as possibilities, and made some suggestions on things I should think about and consider (like sex on a first date/passion). Kuroi also did not make any assumptions on being introduced to to my date(s). All Kuroi was interested in was my safety in dating for the first time in oh 20 years, and in being informed of major changes.
As it happens I dated 3 different people over several months. Each person I talked with online for 2-4 months before meeting them face to face. During those conversations, crushes were created. Important informations was shared; time constraints, hobbies, jobs, and relationship interests, ect. Two of these people were also partnered (married), one of which has kids, and other was divorced. The date who was also married with kids, I meet the spouse, and several friends. We were having a great day together, and didn’t want to end things, but my date had plans that evening. After my date called the spouse I was invited. I checked in with Kuroi, everything was good on the home/family front, so I accept and went to meet my date’s spouse, sibling, and a few of their friends for dinner.
I’m not actively dating anyone right now. When I am feeling like I am ready to do so, I will check with Kuroi to see if the previous conversations are enough, or if there is anything new to discuss. I will also be talking to Momoiroi. Momoiroi and I have a standing “date”, so I expect keeping that will suffice to make Momoiroi feel happy, and connected with me even if/when I begin dating, and am not home as often as Momoiroi has again gotten used to.
Currently feeling rather dowish. I can't say that anything has happened recently to trigger these feelings, but I'm at that, "I don't FEEL good" place again.
So I'm off to get some exercise. Momoiroi and I have a play date with each other when I get back. Kuroi suggested I go to a place I haven't been to in a while, and just sit and relax for a bit. But I'm not feeling up to that much socialization. Made another day.
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