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-   -   Empty feeling (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=56331)

KerrBear 09-25-2013 10:36 PM

Empty feeling
I feel so so empty. I spent the summer working full-time an hour away in one direction from home. I got away from my daughter and my husband and my life. I focused on working and only working. I would go home and I absolutely refused to have sex with my husband pretty much this entire time. Mostly because I was healing and the thought of being intimate with him made me sick to my stomach. But also because I was honestly exhausted with the fact that I still had to balance doing most of everything in the house (husband works crazy long hours) AND being a mom AND working/driving 10 hours. Yeah, there was a bit of resentment there. I'm sure he resented me a bit too. Our first poly situation, my awakening that I was poly, really rubbed the wrong way. But it brought a pimple to the surface that needed to be popped.

I quit my job because I knew my daughter could no longer handle being away from her mother for that long (she is only 4). But I also could no longer handle the drama of working in a small office where the two owners are having a "sexless relationship" and the woman in that outfit was incredibly threatened by me. I even got in trouble for having an innocent conversation about GMO's with my other boss. :(

I liked my job. I liked the money a lot. I liked feeling like I was an important part of this relationship (which means I was making money not that my husband has ever made me feel like I wasn't important). I want to work again but I can't until my daughter is in school. I know that now.

I have started feeling more in love with my husband again. I couldn't put into words for a long time what I was feeling. I finally did and there were tears but I rarely, rarely cry. Then it was like I could love him again and it's been good.

Now, while I was working I thought constantly about being in another relationship. Not that I wanted to leave my husband, but I wanted someone else and thought about it all the time.

I have a swinger friend who has been texting me, asking me how I am and whatever. I mostly just tell him the basics and the drama at work, ect. I am not sexually attracted to him although we have had sex a few times in the past while I was a swinger. I told him I'm poly and have no interest in casual sex anymore.

Still he asked me if my husband and I were going to the swinger camp. I told him that I would like to see him but I had no real interest in hanging out with a bunch of swingers and having to explain to them that I'm not going to have casual sex. Explaining that to my past partners there would be a difficult feat, plus we aren't drinkers and there is a lot of booze consumed there. We haven't found the 420 group yet, so we mostly just stick to ourselves, not wanting to mingle with the drunks. . .

I would have wanted my husband to go. He is still interested in casual sex, but I'm simply not. I want a relationship with another man.

My husband didn't like my first bf and I haven't talked to the ex at all really. His gf moved up here from Missouri and she wanted to hang out. So we invited them over and had a dinner and watched some TV. She is nice. Nothing happened. My ex kept trying to hug me but I wanted nothing to do with him really other than maybe fuck him but that's the extent of that emotion.

I haven't really been talking to any other guys. It's different when you're not approaching this as a swinger but as a relationship seeker and I'm not sure if my husband is ready or really willing to allow me to have a relationship, but I KNOW I don't want to be a swinger anymore. I KNOW that I want another relationship and I KNOW we both aren't going to be able to stay monogamous forever. . .

Not just because I know I'm going to fail at it but also my husband won't be able to do it for much longer. Right now, he's kept himself busy with working. It's like working endlessly makes sure you have no time to be interested in that part of us. I know how he's feeling because I did this over the summer to help me get over my ex and wanting to stay "monogamous" (that feels like a dirty word, by the way).

Plus, my husband is going to spend the slower months this winter working for the family of the woman he cheated on me with 5 years ago. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before he starts doinking her again anyway. . .

KerrBear 09-26-2013 03:39 AM

No advice or thoughts?

WhatHappened 09-26-2013 04:22 AM

I'm not sure what you're asking specifically. And I'm not sure you'll like my thoughts. But here they are.

You sound very sad. You sound like you're at a crossroads in your life, sure that you no longer want to be what, who, and where you were, but also not sure which way you want to go. Your writing sounds like I felt sometimes when I tried to see into the future and saw only a gray cloud.

My suggestions are:

Start doing some reading on faiths and philosophies. My gut feeling is that what you're really missing, and looking for, is a purpose in life. The bigger picture. Something bigger than yourself. Meaning. Do some reading. Take some quiet time to pray, meditate, or reflect.

Find an online 'bucket list' site. I used 43things.com in the wake of infidelity. It helped me reconnect with who *I* am, what *I* value, what *I* want to have to say for myself at the end of my days on earth.

Sorry if it sounds trite, but make a gratitude list. Find one good thing in each day. In the midst of infidelity, having a gratitude list, as corny as it may sound, helped me re-focus on the good and beauty in life, even in the midst of difficult times.

Take your focus off yourself for awhile and see what happens. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or a women's shelter. Sponsor a child through a program. It's an incredible thing to talk to these kids via letters, to hear from them and learn how they live, and realize what a difference you can make in this world.

My thoughts are that you're devoting an awful lot of energy and focus to FIX WHAT'S WRONG. Let go for a little bit. Quit worrying about finding a relationship, and take time to reconnect with what you really want to say for yourself at the end of your days, how you want to be remembered.

GalaGirl 09-26-2013 05:39 AM

Feeling "empty" plus thinking "unstoppable doom" like


"I know I'm going to fail at it but also my husband won't be able to do it for much longer."

"My husband is going to spend the slower months this winter working for the family of the woman he cheated on me with 5 years ago. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before he starts doinking her again anyway. . . "
Rather than asking your spouse things like...

"Could you be willing to talk to me at some point -- not necessarily this minute -- about Opening again in future but doing it in a better way?

"Could you be willing to skip working for this family and work elsewhere? Maybe talk about making a different plan while there's time to find a different job?"
...so you can get some of your needs met and get the ball rolling in a different way. It doesn't have to be "doom" stuff.

To me all that sounds like you are depressed. In poor spirit. :(

Continuing on that path, continuing to think unstoppable doom things and doing nothing to at leasy try to change things... that behavior does nothing to uplift you. So that you can be in better spirit. :(

Hard to give you advice when you do not state what your desired outcome is. Can't give you ideas for HOW to get there, if you do not know WHAT you want to end up with or achieve.

What DO you want? What would make life wonderful for you in the next few months? Other than you finding employment? (Because that in your story sounded fulfilling at least. I'd start there.)

Only you have those kinds of answers. What could you do, so you could feel uplifted? :o


gorgeouskitten 09-26-2013 12:58 PM

Like others have said....not really sure what you want advice on?
Do you want to stay married to your husband? do you want multiple partners, or just not your husband? Why are you worried about him having sex with an ex if you want to be poly?
Not sure what guidance to offer :)

Marcus 09-26-2013 03:13 PM


Originally Posted by KerrBear (Post 233422)
No advice or thoughts?

What's your goal? If you don't know what the desired outcome of your current situation is, then I'd say start there.

What you've put up here is basically just a blog post about your misery. I get it, and sometimes that's necessary, but it doesn't really get us anywhere.

drinnt 09-26-2013 03:13 PM

Hi KerrBear. Your post struck me as someone very STUCK inside themselves. Going in emotional circles...caught in a vicious cycle. Your feeding the cycle.

I'm going to take a hard and fast approach at this - all good intentioned.

Look at these quotes from your post:


I feel so so empty.

I focused on working and only working.

I would go home and I absolutely refused to have sex with my husband

I'm sure he resented me a bit too.

I thought constantly about being in another relationship.

I wanted someone else and thought about it all the time.

I'm not sure if my husband is ready or really willing to allow me to have a relationship

I KNOW we both aren't going to be able to stay monogamous forever. . .

I know I'm going to fail at it

my husband won't be able to do it for much longer.

I'm sure it's only a matter of time before he starts doinking her again anyway
These are the words you are using to describe how you feel about your LIFE! They detail how you are looking at YOUR life. The actions you take in your life are going to either FOLLOW those words or CONFLICT with those words. Either option is not looking good.

Here's a thought. Look at those quotes and think about the FUTURE you see for yourself with this being the way you describe your life.

Do you want that future?

What future DO you want for yourself?

What future would you want that would be of YOUR choosing?

Can you picture the future you want for you and your family?

What does a future of your choosing look like?

What kinds of things are going on in that future?

How do you want to look at your life in that future?

What kinds of actions can you take NOW to bring about that future of your choosing?

That is where you need to be.

1) Look at how you feel now
2) Look at the future that awaits you through feeling that way
3) Choose if that is the future you want, or is it another future?
4) Choose the future you want
5) Envision what that future looks like
6) Start taking the actions that are required to get there
7) Keep looking at your life to make sure it looks like a life that is headed toward the future of YOUR CHOOSING
8) Adjust along the way!

I feel for you stuck in that vicious cycle. WhatHappened said it best in their post about focusing on what you want for yourself....REFOCUS anywhere but on the stuff your focused on now.

Not sure if that's what you were looking for, but that's what I see available for you...happiness of your choosing.

KerrBear 09-26-2013 10:42 PM

Perhaps I am depressed. I have had depression my entire life but I've come a long, long way from what I was when I was younger. I can function now.

I want to love and trust my husband. Since he cheated on me, I haven't really been able to do this. So that's been 5 years now. I guess I do love him but sexually, I wasn't longing for him at all. I just wanted him to be around and I felt comfort in that.

I don't have an issue with my husband going with another lady, just I don't really like HER. This is because he cheated on me with her and she knew perfectly well that we were married and at the time NOT in an open relationship.

I have spoke to my husband about my concern about him working for her family. He said that he had thought about that too but that he just thought it would be a good job fit because it is right up the road and his hours would allow him to be home early so he can spend the evening with us. That right there is almost worth it because I really do miss him a lot.

We are so broke. It's not fair. My husband works tons of hours and we still can't make ends meet. I can't work full-time cause of my kids. I feel like a failure because I couldn't get the other job to work and I was trying so hard to make it work. And now all that extra responsibility is on my husband. :(

Sigh. I want stability. I want my husband to not have to work so many hours and still be able to pay the bills. I want to be more effective in my writing job so that I can make more money on that. I wish I was more motivated too, but lack of it might be because I'm down. I know that when I'm not working LESS gets done in my house than when I am.

In the future I dream of finally having a house that is big enough for us all and we're not so tight on money so we can go on fishing and camping trips with our kids. I eventually want to have another man in my life that I can go out and see from time to time without my husband getting uptight about him not being involved in every little thing regarding my relationship with this other person.

My hold up with even looking for another is because I don't want the drama my husband created with the last one. I never was difficult with him when he wanted to have casual sex with other women, I was the one who even went and found him the women for him per his request. . .

I guess I don't really have questions, only feelings and thoughts. I JUST found out I was poly and I want so much to explore that side of myself more. I feel like I'm shackled and I can't because of my husband and what happened last time.

When he cheated on me, I did so much changing in myself so I could accept that part of my husband. He didn't have to change at all but I had to change completely. It was not fair and yes, I have told my husband that this is what I feel happened. He then commenced to tell me that he would never go out and find someone else to love because it would hurt me too much but he doesn't understand that his infidelity crushed me but I know that men who cheat do so because they are not meant for monogamy, so I changed the rules of our relationship so many years ago.

It was fun while it lasted, but I don't WANT to be a swinger anymore. He doesn't want that. He wants to be a swinger only. I mean, when Beaner and his gf came over, he was so sexually charged even though nothing was going on. He told me he wanted so much to have us all in "one big ball" and have me be sexual with his gf. That is NOT me. I don't even like women in that way so I was honestly disgusted that he took an innocent fun night with friends and turned it into a sex thing. He doesn't understand me. I don't want to just mess around, I want to love that person.

As a swinger, it is fwb at the most but I don't want to settle for that anymore. I know my husband whats that, but why must I have to do the same thing as him? How is that really fair? How do I tell him that I'm an independent person and I want to have another relationship with someone?

Marcus 09-27-2013 12:09 AM

You sound like your situation is happening to you and that you are completely incapable of doing anything about it. This is total bullshit, and completely a construct of your own mind.

I strongly encourage you to take responsibility for your life, stop keeping score, and stop playing the victim.


Originally Posted by KerrBear (Post 233544)
How do I tell him that I'm an independent person and I want to have another relationship with someone?

Tell him exactly that.

nycindie 09-27-2013 12:32 AM

You could have him read that last post of yours - it says it all, clearly and succinctly!

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