Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   Looking for guidance (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=56293)

DevilsChild 09-25-2013 02:21 AM

Looking for guidance
Hey everyone, I'm a single straight female looking for some help and advice on a few things. A little about me: I realized I was into polyamory around 2011. I didn't start actively living the lifestyle until February this year, after a hard breakup with my ex. We were monogamous and had a great connection, but he didn't understand or want an open relationship. Although it's been around 7 months since I started being poly, I still feel very new to the whole thing.

Those I've been intimate this year have mostly been touring musicians. The thing is, I haven't been upfront with some of them about being poly, and I'm wondering how and when I should bring it up? Or does it matter considering they might be intimate with other ladies in other cities, and we might not ever pursue a serious relationship since they live miles away? Also, would you advise against this type of thing if I were interested in a career in the music industry? (I know this might be obvious but I'd like to hear your answers...)

Thanks a lot in advance, and feel free to ask me questions.

- DC

LovingRadiance 09-25-2013 03:17 AM

For me personally, honesty is an inherent part of not being a cheater. I cheated in the past, I don't want to relive that nightmare.

So I wouldn't allow myself to get into a sexual situation with someone who didn't know my poly dynamic.

But-I'm also not a solo-poly person. I am married with a live-in boyfriend and children. So I don't even date someone who doesn't know. It would be disrespectful to my existing family.

As for the risk-adding sex to a "prospective" job situation is always risky.

kdt26417 09-25-2013 05:41 AM

Hi DC,
Welcome to our forum.

My first thought is I'm uncomfortable assuming non-monogamy without confirming it with the other person. However, maybe the music touring scene has a built-in culture of assumed non-monogamy.

The only other concern from my perspective is make sure you practice relatively safe sex, especially if you've just met the other person. The almighty condom comes into mind.

In most situations, I'd try to bring up being poly as soon as possible, first or second date. Simple is best: "I should let you know that I am polyamorous. Is that okay?" The person might not know what "polyamorous" means and if not, you can explain it to them.

I think it's always wise to be prepared to answer questions about polyamory, so study and learn. "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino is a great book to get into, and on this site there's a Golden Nuggets board to cover the basics.

Whatever you read and however you research, Polyamory.com is always a place where you can post your thoughts, questions, and concerns. Usually you get some pretty good feedback.

By the way, what made you realize you were into polyamory?

Glad to have you aboard.
Kevin T.

DevilsChild 09-26-2013 05:51 AM

Thanks a lot for your responses and support LR and Kevin.

Yeah, I kinda get the vibe that the whole touring music business operates non-monogamously, except for the guys that straight up say they have a girlfriend. Although in some cases that still hasn't stopped them from making out with me... ha!

I'll be honest and say I've made some very poor under the influence decisions the last couple times I've slept with guys, such as not using a condom. Ughhh fuck! I'm ashamed and disappointed in myself. The problem is I drink too much, black out, and become careless. I know, it's not good. :S

I actually already own "Opening Up". Thanks for the reminder, I'm going to start carrying it around and finish reading it!

To answer your question: I realized I was into poly back in 2011 when I was in my first monogamous relationship. I flirted with another guy on the internet, and my boyfriend got extremely jealous and hurt over it. I didn't understand how it was wrong, and felt really tied down. We broke up, and a couple years later I was dating another guy monogamously. Even though I enjoyed our relationship a lot, I still had desires to cuddle, kiss, and sleep with others... there you have it!

GreenAcres 09-26-2013 12:58 PM

DC, as gently as possible, I would like to say I am worried about you. Perhaps, while you're single, it would be a good time to explore some options on how to help you manager your choices to help keep yourself, and your partners, safe both physically and emotionally? For example, drinking excessively can cause so many problems, including the possibility of sexual encounters you may not have consented to or be aware of--rape--which would leave you in a very bad situation physically and emotionally. Or, as you say has already happened, having unprotected sex, with all the possible consequences.

Generally, poly is more than just sleeping with different people with whom you are not in a relationship. That is more often just called "dating" these days, or (in other contexts) swinging. Becoming involved, emotionally or physically, outside of a relationship, when the partner in that relationship is unaware and consenting, is called cheating, not poly. This is true when you are with someone who's partner isn't aware of your encounter/relationship, just as much as it would be with your own partner. Poly is about communication, and definitely about consent and respect, which are all necessary to be safe and happy (frankly, all relationships should be about those, not just poly). The partners who you've said made out with you after saying they have a girlfriend (which a general person generally says more like "My girlfriend and I are in a poly relationship, are you okay with that?", whereas just leaving it at "I have a girlfriend" definitely implies she doesn't know, and they aren't poly) aren't respecting you, or their girlfriends. Which means you are very unlikely to be the first person they've broken that trust with, and tells you a good bit about the level of safety you might expect from them, especially if you are incapacitated.

I am not a prude, and no stranger to partying (I was a traveling Bud girl at one point), but safety is a real and serious concern.

As Kevin suggested, more reading, and possibly some help in learning good decision making, would be a real benefit as you move forward and explore poly.

DevilsChild 09-26-2013 03:07 PM

GreenAcres, I really appreciate your concern and response. It means a lot to me.

I know the way I've been conducting myself hasn't been very responsible or respectful, to both myself and others. I've struggled with excessive drinking for a couple years now, and I completely agree that now would be the perfect time to start making better choices to improve myself. I absolutely hate waking up the day after being with someone and wondering how it came to be, wondering if we talked about our health, etc etc. I end up feeling disappointed and disgusted at myself, yet it keeps happening. I suppose that saying is very true, that lessons will repeat themselves until you learn from them. Hopefully it's not too late for me health-wise, which I'll find out from the doc in a couple weeks.... :/

I really do not want to be someone who enables cheating. I'm really going to start reading more and working on communicating and behaving with self respect.

kdt26417 09-26-2013 07:45 PM

Sounds like polyamory, and/or open relationships is the life for you, you just need to add some moderation/playing it safe to the mix. You could try an approach such as, "Do you have a girlfriend? Would she mind if you and I hooked up?" That way you've shown that knowledge and consent are concerns of yours, which is good because then your dates/partners will respect you more.

If it's just a "one night stand," I suppose you don't need to go into too much depth about each other's lives, but if something starts developing into a relationship, be sure to let them know you are poly, and make sure that's okay with them.

Good luck, hope the doc sends you a clean bill of health!

Kevin T.

DevilsChild 09-27-2013 04:36 AM

Thanks Kevin! Those example questions are perfect; just what I was looking for. :)

london 09-27-2013 08:54 AM

Use condoms, probably cut down on your drinking for health reasons but fuck as much as you like. Don't be concerned about the amount of sex you are having, or the amount of sexual partners you have, think about whether the sex you are having makes you happy. If it doesn't, change it.

kdt26417 09-27-2013 08:42 PM

@ london: yah, that's the ticket.

@ DC: no prob, always glad to help.

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:32 AM.