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-   -   The L Word - taboo? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=56198)

LoveMeTender 09-23-2013 03:31 PM

The L Word - taboo?
Deleted for anonymity. Please delete your quotes of my words.

LovingRadiance 09-23-2013 04:00 PM

It really depends.
I had a 4 year relationship with a man I remain friends with, who never said it. We were living together and co-parenting. He had personal issues with it.
I honestly opted not to concern myself with words.

On the otyer hand-I say it and said it as I wished. He was free to not respond. But he was not free to tell me I could not say how I feel.

YouAreHere 09-23-2013 04:47 PM

I suppose I would view it differently, depending on the reasons why...

If the person not saying it just doesn't feel comfortable saying it to anyone (as in LR's case), then it's part of that person - part of what makes them THEM - and it would be part and parcel of being in a relationship with them.

If he's not saying it because he's being asked to not say it to any other partners, I'd be concerned that his primary is somehow trying to control his feelings by controlling his language, and I'd probably talk with him about it (and maybe his primary, if they felt comfortable having that discussion).

That may not be what's going on here, but I'd definitely get that vibe until we had that talk.

Dagferi 09-23-2013 04:53 PM

Nope I say it and hear it from and to both my guys.

GalaGirl 09-23-2013 05:43 PM

Seems easier to ask for it.

"I feel aching right now. I think I could feel better hearing loving words from you at this time. Even though you seem like you don't enjoy those words, could you be willing / able to say "I love you, I care about you" to me one time right now so I can feel better?"

Everyone needs to feel loved. Saying words of affection is a behavior he can do toward you. He's not doing it at this time.

You could ask for what you need at this time. That you want him to use words of affections toward you once right now.

He either is willing to deliver or not. Then you can decide if you can be ok relating under these conditions or not. You are not asking for too much. You aren't asking at all.

My spouse doesn't say my name. He can call me all sorts of things (Hon, babe, sweetie) but he rarely uses my first name. That's just how he is. I'm ok with that. If your partner demonstrates he loves you in all sorts of ways but doesn't usually demonstrate it with words of affection... well, maybe that's how he is. He's not gonna be (Mr Spontaneous "I love you!" Sayer.) Maybe most of the time you are ok with that -- during normal times.

But in a time of pain and suffering? It is not going to kill you to ASK for what you need from him so that your suffering can be alleviated somewhat. It might not feel fun to do, and you do seem a bit anxious to do it.

I guess that you would like to KNOW that if you are hurting he will do what he can to help you feel better. So just ASK him. Ask for what you need so you can feel better. Give him a chance.

He's not a mind reader.


LovingRadiance 09-23-2013 05:44 PM


Originally Posted by LoveMeTender (Post 232849)
So, is this normal in the poly world for people to never say they love each other; to reserve that word for primaries only? Seems rather "un-poly" to me. I don't know. Am I asking for too much?

I don't think there is a "norm" and the guy I dated who didn't say the word, wasn't poly either.

In my poly dynamic, both my husband and my boyfriend say I love you and I say it to them.

Here's the thing, every person is an individual. Every couple is distinct also.
There's no "norm" for what is or what isn't acceptable. It's something to be defined individually for each relationship.

Maybe he doesn't define love the same way as you.
Maybe he doesn't think the words are an acceptable replacement for action. Maybe he is afraid.

We can guess all day long. The only way to deal with your individual situation is to communicate with each other so that you can know exactly what HIS reason is for not using the word.

sdguitarguy 09-23-2013 08:39 PM

We tend to show others how we love them in the way that we would like to have it returned.

In my relationships it has been important to identify "what makes me feel loved and secure" and express those to my partners.

Not surprisingly, we all have different ways of expressing and receiving love. There is often a mismatch between what one person is sending and what the other is receiving. So it's important to communicate these things.

I cook for people I love. C rarely cooked for me. Why? Because she feels I'm a lot better cook and I like cooking while it is a chore to her. But I had to explain (it took a while for us to figure this out) that I enjoy/love when she cooks for me, even if it's a piece of toast. It's not the quality, it's the action.

So, for her, it seems weird that making me a piece of toast in the morning makes me feel warm and fuzzy but she does it. But if I needed a 5 course meal to feel loved, I doubt it would happen.

I exaggerate a little to make a point.

So if someone saying "I love you" makes you feel loved, you should ask for it as one of the many things that makes you feel loved. Just know that the other person may chose not to do it because of their own issues.


Inyourendo 09-24-2013 02:14 AM

I would say I love someone if I did. Dh could as well. Hea told his gf of 1.5 years that he loved her recently when he was feeling very affectionate. He didn't feel inclined to tell her until just lately

london 09-24-2013 08:40 AM

If someone had a rule against not saying "I love you" to secondary style partners to privilege their primary partner(s), I'd question exactly how "poly" that arrangement really is. I don't believe that relationships that have restrictions on emotional attachment outside of the primary relationship are polyamorous.

Marcus 09-24-2013 12:43 PM


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