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strpdkit10 08-01-2009 06:15 AM

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years, although we have known each other for 13 years. Three years into our relationship the concept of polyamory was brought up and discussed over a period of months. We did not come to any conclusions and since my boyfriend stopped bringing it up as a topic of conversation we stopped talking about it. (My boyfriend is the one who believes that he is polyamorous.)

A year and a half ago, he met someone online that interested him and he spoke with both her and her significant other about polyamory before he approached me. (According to him, he felt that since we had talked about polyamory previously he only needed to talk to me about finding a prospective partner.)

There were quite a few miscommunications on both of our parts. We're still trying to figure everything out. I'm still not comfortable with our situation and he's still wanting more than we've agreed on at this juncture.

To complicate things further, we are expecting our first child in October.

TLDR: I'm monogamous and my boyfriend believes he is polyamorous. He is currently involved in a restricted online LDR. Neither of us is happy with the situation.

AutumnalTone 08-01-2009 03:13 PM

Welcome to the boards.

Poly rests on clear communication and explicit agreement. Having talked about something before is not that same as having an explicit agreement that something is or isn't acceptable. Unless you said it was OK for him to have other partners in those earlier conversations, it wasn't OK for him to strike up a relationship with somebody else. It's the whole "full knowledge and consent" part of polyamory.

Do you think he avoided speaking to you about it just so that he could present it as fait accompli to get you to go along with it? Is he always likely to do things without thinking them through? Does he really think simply having talked about something as a possibility means its OK?

River 08-01-2009 03:20 PM

Welcome aboard, Strpdkit10. I hope this forum helps you to deal with your situation.

vandalin 08-01-2009 05:00 PM

Welcome and I hope you find some answers you need.

foxflame88 08-01-2009 06:13 PM

Welcome to the group. Good luck in your journey... sounds as if there needs to be a LOT more talking between the two of you. I hope everything works out. Congrats on the wee one too :)

berserker239 08-01-2009 06:57 PM

Welcome fellow noobie xD

Sounds like he either needs to compromise or deal with what hes getting. Honestly you shouldent have to compromise to even the degree you are, you cant do poly if someone is uncomfortable with it. Hes just like every other man hun, ungrateful and demanding. Tell him that your being more than nice about this and that your not comfortable with it. Take some time to learn more about it, if your bisexual your more likely to be into it.

Communication is key in a relationship, no matter how many involved

Ricavaler 08-01-2009 08:13 PM


strpdkit10 08-19-2009 04:23 PM

He was, at the time, genuinely confused as to how or why I would be upset. As mentioned though, this was over a year ago now, and is something that we sat down and discussed ad nauseum.

If polyamory were the only issue on the table, then I don't think that we would be as frustrated as we both are. The additional communication that polyamory brought with it highlighted some of our individual (as well as couple) weaknesses. We've been struggling with those as well.

We tried couples counseling with someone we were referred to as a possible poly-friendly counselor. He ended up being completely the wrong fit for us as well as, from comments he made from time to time, possibly not so poly-friendly. We didn't realize until my boyfriend began individual counseling over a month ago that our previous therapist had been a wrong fit for us. Experience, as always, is a tough teacher.

We are working on things...and talking about things...but its still frustrating for both of us. I need things to stay the way they are until we get our own issues figured out at the same time as he is chomping at the bit to really get his relationship with his (other) girlfriend underway.

River 08-19-2009 06:31 PM

Strpd..., As a general rule of thumb, polyamory should be the opening up or extention of an already basically healthy and happy relationship -- and shouldn't be seen as a means to solve or fix existing relationship problems. If you are uncomfortable with opening up to poly at this time mainly because you're not on a good footing for that as a couple, that's as good a reason as any to let your boyfriend know that this is not a good line to cross just yet. It is doubtful that bringing another person into the mix will be of benefit if there are crucial and significant "issues" needing dealth with.

Opening up to polyamory requires a great deal of love, trust, respect, kindness, empathy, patience, good communication skills..., etc. If these are weak, poly is more likely to break a couple than to strengthen it. But do know that many relationships ARE strenghthened by opening to poly. My own 13 years partnership is such an example, although neither he nor I have any other involvements just now.

Rarechild 08-19-2009 10:07 PM

Hello, thanks for telling us about yourself. I wish you success.

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