Hello everyone, I am new to the forums and to polyamory.
I am A, I am 39 years old (40 in December!) and I hail from Australia.
My partner and I recently decided to open up our 14 year relationship. The decision was mutual and it happened very organically, much to my amazement. I had been having thoughts of wanting to have new experiences for a while, and actually, unbeknownst to me, so had she. It kind of surprised me in a way, because she is intensely loyal and has always been faithful, but now, after having had our first child, she is ready to let her hair down :D
What also amazed me was how quickly she has settled on a target for her affections ;) A man from her past has recently re-entered the picture, admittedly he has been on the periphery of our relationship from the word go.
S met B two years prior to meeting me. He was a very good looking 22 year old, who had plenty of ladies admiring him, but then S found herself falling in love hard. They had some romantic interludes together, but that time around it never came close to sex.
He also had some major issues with intimacy and expressing emotion, being very cold, aloof and arrogant towards her at that time, which soon soured their initial connection.
Two years later S left her hometown and moved to mine. She met me when I was 24, she was 21. It was instant attraction on both parts, but she was wary of me because I too had issues (anger, rejection, general immaturity). She was very hesitant to get involved with me but we ended up making love and it was incredibly romantic and ideal. The next morning we woke up to warm soft sunlight filtering in the balcony windows and bliss in each other's arms.
S had already planned to moved to another town at this time, so sadly she had to go soon after this. But we certainly had a wonderful time for those couple of weeks, and we kept in touch. Eventually S moved in with me in the new town I had moved to.
After a couple of years B stayed over with us for a couple of nights and, knowing their history, it was very weird and awkward for me. Luckily nothing happened between them - I was so raw and going through severe emotional turmoil at that time, I had tried to take my own life at one stage so I was very delicate. I could not have handled them doing anything at that time.
Fast forward a little, and S actually left me after 5 years of living together to return to her hometown. We had a year apart, and during that time - you guessed it! - she had an intensely romantic encounter with B at his family's home that was near a long secluded beach. Sex was basically almost going to happen, but he had no condoms in the house. He went for a drive to get some, and by the time he got back, S had thought better of it. Things still did not feel right for her at that time.
Fast forward a little more, and I had now left the town where S and I had lived together and had moved to S's hometown. I was determined to win her back from the start, but hearing about her encounter with B (yep, she told me about it!!) made me go into overdrive.
So LSS I managed to seduce/charm/win her back by fair means and foul, but to be fair by this time she had moved in with B and discovered what a difficult customer he could be (strong ego, moody, arrogant, etc) and once again, sex had almost happened but for one reason or another did not. She met me for breakfast one day in tears about how she was being treated and having now gotten established in the city I asked her once again to move in with me. She did, and after 6 more years!!! we finally had our first child, after having resisted because we were enjoying our newfound inner city lifestyle too much.
We recently moved out further into the 'burbs with our new baby boy, and after several years off the radar, B reappears, married to K (now for about 2 years?). He works long hours and so S and he don't really get to hang out much - and SK is the intensely jealous type, so I can't see her agreeing to go poly anytime soon. Interestingly enough, B even said to S in conversation once that "if" he was to have an affair (paging Dr Freud) he would have to be completely honest with K.
So we're back to where this post started - S and I are open after 14 years together, S has made it fairly clear that she wants something to happen with B, and I am learning to be accepting and unconditionally loving and supportive whereas once I was crazy jealous. Much to my amazement I am actually achieving this goal, and in fact (for reasons I will go into next time) I am 100% on her side! I am working through the internal-world problems as they come up, and I want her to go for it and enjoy her new freedom. She deserves it after years of being there for me through some hard shit, its reward time!
There is a slight compliciation here - B doesn't know yet that we are open, and in addition S has a lot of fears about being intimate with B, for reasons I'll go into next time. Also he and his wife are mono.
P.S. I should also mention in fairness to my darling S that she lost her virginity to me, hence the idealistic way I described it above :) And so, as at the time of writing still not having had sex with B, I am still currently the only sex partner she has had. Hence her desire for some experimentation.
Thanks so much for reading, more soon!
I realise that strictly speaking, what I'm talking about above is not polyamory. It would probably be a FWB for S at best. Nonetheless we are in an open relationship now, so a poly situation could easily develop for either one of us at some stage.
B called S last night, I answered the phone in friendly manner and spoke with him for a few minutes. S was in the shower at the time, when she got out she came on the phone.
S spoke with B for about 10 minutes. B is in the habit of phoning from his car as he is on the way home - he tries to keep S from K as much as possible. K is from a background that is quite traditional and (so I am given to understand) she is very much the possessive and jealous type. Interesting that B is already acting covertly prior to anything happening.
S was able to drop some hints to B (our boy was still awake at the time) that our relationship has entered "a new paradigm". She was not able to be more explicit at that time, but B is a smart guy, very intuitive so he probably picked up on S and the vibe she was putting out. Its fascinating to watch how S is setting things up :D
I have no doubt that something is going to come of all this, its only a matter of time. How will I react? I believe I'll be OK. Despite having been intensely jealous in the past, the process S and I have been through these past 2 weeks has started something new and important; in fact I believe that being open and 100% supportive of each other is now crucial to our continued emotional development. In short, we have started down this mutual path together and we cannot now turn back.
Speaking for myself, I feel more at peace in myself than I have for a long, long time. Going through this decision and dealing with emotional pain as it arises has helped me (and her as well) release the co-dependency we once had. We now both feel more free and happy than ever. And I can discuss her need to have sex with B without melting down - that would NEVER have been the case before. I can even look forward to it on her behalf because I know how important it is to her.
There is so much I want to go into regarding the spiritual aspect of our beliefs and approach to life, but that will need to wait for another time.
Thanks again for reading.
Hitting the wall
So – crazy times eh.
Some of the shit that happens to me happens on such a seemingly abstract level that most of the time I don’t know if I can even explain it to people, or even understand it myself.
I am feeling fairly vulnerable today, emotionally stripped down and feeling a bit shaken after last night.
Basically S and I are into our third week of open relationship, and last night shit hit me hard. It went like this – I hit the fucking wall. S came to bed after staying up later than she intended, and she turned over on her side and got ready for sleep. As well as having to deal with the idea that my lady is not only preparing to sleep with someone else but was coming to bed without even so much as a touch between us, it just finally got to me and I had enough.
I got up saying, so this is how it is now? You come to bed without even a touch between us etc etc? And I stormed out.
Fortunately we were able to talk it through. She helped me to see more clearly than ever that for most of my life, I had been seeking self-worth through sex. And since being with her, with sex freely available for the last 15 years, I had invested all my self-worth in her and in our physical closeness. I had become fully reliant on her for sexual satisfaction (read self-esteem).
Also, I am currently reading a book about a recovering former porn star and substance abuser, and her harrowing story helped me see my own problem with total clarity. This woman had fully derived all her self-worth and confidence from using sex an sexuality to feel loved. And while I am obviously not being filmed having sex, nor am I selling myself for money, I was nevertheless essentially doing exactly the same thing by craving self-worth and love through sex.
S and I agreed that our relationship has been operating under a negative emotional and spiritual contract. Once we fully realised this, I led us in an out-loud, spoken declaration of our new intention to terminate our old, worn out and dysfunctional contract - one based on masturbatory, ego-driven gratification - and to create a new one based on love, on thoughtfulness and consideration for the other person. We then did a ritual cord-cutting visualisation – to which I experienced strong physical reactions in my groin area – and I immediately felt better. S then went to sleep but I got up, feeling new energy surging through me.
The rawness of having literally and metaphorically cut the cord quickly set in. I felt alone, and I was scared. I looked at our open relationship and felt it was absurd. How could I go on with things under these conditions? How could I cope knowing that she was being with other people? And how could I come home after being with someone else, and sensing that I could then not be close to the woman I live with and love, the mother of my child? Basically I was totally over-thinking it, having a massive insecurity reaction from having cut my cord of dependence on which I’d relied for so long for (external) validation.
I woke S up, insisting that we had to separate, because I couldn’t go on with this agreement. It didn’t take long for us both to realise that I was really having an ego-based reaction. We talked again, and soon realised that we still loved each other and were staying together out of love, not dependence. Also the toll it would take on our little boy would not be worth it! We both intuited very strongly that the effect on him would be too damaging and far-reaching to justify it.
We agreed once again that despite how my ego may perceive it, we are on a heart-centred path, not a lower, base path, and that really the only way forward and to protect everyone concerned - including even our families and especially our child – was together, while still allowing ourselves the freedom to tentatively explore new things.
I feel so thankful that we were able to talk through my crisis of confidence. Clearly this is a massive shake-up for me that I am still getting used to and adjusting to. Its exposing my most basic vulnerabilities, ones which I had been avoiding for the longest time. But I can also see and know that its an opportunity - to finally re-orient myself to start paying attention to me and the ways in which I need to develop my Self.
I also note that I am having some key astrological transits at this time:
These are just a few astrological indicators that I am having a rough time on the relationship front.
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