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-   -   Double standards (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=55822)

PolyinPractice 09-16-2013 11:42 PM

Double standards
 
What do you do if your partner's spouse/SO has a different standard for him/herself and for his/her partner (i.e. your partner)? I had one who said she could develop romantic feelings for a partner, but he couldn't. Because she "wasn't ready for it." Do you simply smile and nod....and do what you will? Or go along with it, because you have to respect the wishes of the person who moves the slowest in terms of comfort?

If so, how long do you acquiesce before pushing that person to move beyond their natural comfort level?

GalaGirl 09-17-2013 01:23 AM

Quote:

If so, how long do you acquiesce before pushing that person to move beyond their natural comfort level?
I rather get expectations sorted out before agreeing to anything serious. Not get involved and THEN sort it out. But even if sorting it later on... could ask questions to clarify.

"Thanks for making me aware you are not ready at this time.

Is this a hard limit that will NEVER change, or a soft limit that could change in time?

If a soft limit, could you be willing to tell me a time frame / what needs to happen for it to change?

Then I can determine if we are compatible or not. Because while I'm willing to go slow, I'm not willing to wait forever. We could talk and try to calibrate here."
Maybe asking something like that could help clarify?

Galagirl

LovingRadiance 09-17-2013 04:01 AM

Like Gala-I prefer to address negotiations in advance of getting remotely serious with someone. This means I get serious less frequently; but it also means I don't deal with that sort of drama almost ever-because I don't get involved.

Marcus 09-17-2013 04:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice (Post 231320)
What do you do if your partner's spouse/SO has a different standard for him/herself and for his/her partner (i.e. your partner)? I had one who said she could develop romantic feelings for a partner, but he couldn't. Because she "wasn't ready for it." Do you simply smile and nod....and do what you will? Or go along with it, because you have to respect the wishes of the person who moves the slowest in terms of comfort?

If so, how long do you acquiesce before pushing that person to move beyond their natural comfort level?

I am not interested in doing anything that would qualify as pushing a person to move out of their comfort zone. If they want to stay in their comfort zone, I am not their life coach and have no business deciding their next move for them. I either work with what they have to offer or move on.

Once I learn that someone is team dating I make an immediate about face; I don't really care who they are. There are exactly two people in each of my relationships (friends, family, lovers, etc) and the same two people have exclusive authority over said relationship. If this is not the case for them - I'm out.

dingedheart 09-17-2013 10:10 AM

It's bullshit ...

Double standards of any kind don't work in my world. Don't do one thing and tell me to do another. We all make choices ....you start down this rode you better be ready ....or get ready. Youre dating but not ready for me to date ...tough shit ...should have thought of that sooner ...or yesterday ...or right now.
Suck it up buttercup.

nycindie 09-17-2013 11:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice (Post 231320)
If so, how long do you acquiesce . . .

Acquiesce? Never acquiesce in love relationships.

Josie 09-17-2013 02:05 PM

I agree with Galagirl, in that you need to discuss these things to see if your relationship ideals are compatible.

Although, telling someone that they can't have romantic feelings is a difficult one, as that's not something they can control. If there were to put it as 'I'd prefer for you not to act on romantic feelings' that's different.

If that were the case, you simply have to decide whether that's something you can and are willing to do. Like people have mentioned, it's also a case of whether it's a hard limit or not, whether or not it can change and how. You might be okay with helping them work through things for a month or two before acting on feelings but not be okay with waiting 6 months, a year. You might not be okay with it at all.

I personally am not a fan of the way some people really put down 'double standards' as people don't tend to feel the exact same way about things or become ready for things within the same period. Sometimes a bit of time and patience is needed for one person to be ready whilst another can just hop in. No one is the same.

However, that said, if someone puts in a standard without care for the affect it would have on you and with no plans to work on it in the future - then you're probably better off without them.

Flowerchild 09-17-2013 02:27 PM

Clarification
 
Interesting

YouAreHere 09-17-2013 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Josie (Post 231684)
I personally am not a fan of the way some people really put down 'double standards' as people don't tend to feel the exact same way about things or become ready for things within the same period. Sometimes a bit of time and patience is needed for one person to be ready whilst another can just hop in. No one is the same.

Double standards tend to breed resentment, however. If one partner says "I can have other partners but you can't" it ends up right there in the other partner's face, sort of like dangling the carrot (or the tantalizing brownie or whatever) he can't have.

It sounds like you're referencing relationships where one partner is actively trying to work through their issues and the other is being patient and accommodating, and that's certainly a good thing. However, I have experienced double standards that are more one-sided. The "I got mine, but you can't have yours" types of things. Those are the ones that get put down, and rightly so IMO.

WhatHappened 09-17-2013 04:16 PM

I'm just curious how either of them plans to control the development of romantic feelings. When people are dating and sleeping together, it tends to happen or not, with or without the consent of those involved.


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