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-   -   New to Polysexual relationships... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=55553)

AllDayEveryDay 09-15-2013 06:15 AM

New to Polysexual relationships...
I just recently opened my heart and my mind to having a Monoamorous-Polysexual relationship and I am so lost.
The man that I am interested in turned me onto this idea and I read The Ethical Slut.
Unfortunately I have no clue how to go about all this. I don't know if I could personally have sex with other people, even though I know that he is. In my heart I would still feel like I was cheating.
I don't know a whole lot about it and I would love more information.

AllDayEveryDay 09-15-2013 06:43 AM

How long?
I guess I am just interested in knowing the dynamics of poly relationships. He is all about there being one main relationship and then smaller side relationships.

I guess I am just worried about jealousy being a big factor and would love to know how most of you combat jealousy rising within yourselves.

He and I have talked about the inevitability of a relationship between us. Though I feel I would need to do more research beforehand.

Magdlyn 09-15-2013 01:01 PM

We all have dealt with jealousy of some degree or another. Well, there is the occasional person here who claims to have never felt it. But then there is envy as well, which is similar.

Do a tag search here for "jealousy" and "poly-mono."

Generally jealousy is based on fear of loss.

Just because your new interest wants to have multiple partners, does not mean you need to. You might, someday, be interested in doing that. There is no hurry. Or you may wish to remain mono, even if your bf wants multiple partners. There is no one right way to do poly.

Marcus 09-15-2013 02:13 PM


Originally Posted by AllDayEveryDay (Post 229785)
I just recently opened my heart and my mind to having a Monoamorous-Polysexual relationship and I am so lost.

Monoamorous-polysexual is "swinging". Essentially you would be a couple who takes on sex partners but somehow manage to not fall in love. In my opinion this is one of those structures which is built to fail. There is simply no way to determine, beforehand, whether or not you will develop romantic feelings for someone - certainly when you are already having sex with them.

Polyamory is having multiple romantic loves or interests (or at least a worldview which designates this as possible and desirable to some degree).

As far as jealousy, people experience jealousy in mono relationships all the time. It's a mix of irrational expectation that the relationship should last forever and lack of security in your own skin. This ends up coming out like fear of loss or abandonment (as Mag said). There's lots and lots of information on jealousy out there and so long as you are looking inward for the cause and solution, you'll be fine.

AllDayEveryDay 09-15-2013 10:06 PM

I guess I never really thought of the fact of swinging, we both discussed that having sexual partners is not possible without an emotional attachment of some kind.
So I guess I wouldn't really know what to call it. Emotional attachments with multiple sexual partners, but a main relationship...

Flowerchild 09-15-2013 10:21 PM

Even swingers have emotional connections to those they play with. What you're hinting at is hierarchical poly, meaning roles and importances are defined. Look up primaries and secondaries. Many poly people shy away from that, seeing it as controlling. It also often fails. You can rarely control depth of feeling.

I honestly think swinging suits your own needs.

AllDayEveryDay 09-15-2013 10:40 PM

I feel like I am getting a lot of how this is going to fail and not a lot on how I could make it work.

I honestly would like some supportive advice on how to make all of this work.

Flowerchild 09-15-2013 11:01 PM

Do you want to have us tell you what you want to hear or what you need to hear? Cuz Marcus definitely isn't going to do that. Some of us actually are experienced and we're sensing red flags that tell us you're swinging, not poly. Poly is hard. If you honestly believe you are, though, listening to negative advice can be just as helpful as positive :)

Ariakas 09-15-2013 11:13 PM


Originally Posted by AllDayEveryDay (Post 229881)
I feel like I am getting a lot of how this is going to fail and not a lot on how I could make it work.

Its like going to a site about being married and asking about divorce. You will get people who won't support your methods. You aren't even non-monogamous yet, you are simply getting information. Take everything you get here as just info. Find other similar sites and start building your own opinions and needs.


I honestly would like some supportive advice on how to make all of this work.
Don't have pre-conceived notions about how poly-anything works. What your are describing could be akin to closed swinging or.. even poly depending on the grouping you follow. Try not to build expectations around the relationships you or your partners get into.

The trick to all of it is to make sure you stay respectful of those involved and stay true to yourself. If those come into conflict, be true to yourself. :)

Another book to try is opening up. I connected with it more since poly was only a part of my non-monogamy. The book itself is about every non-monogamous, and isn't wrapped around a bunch of .. hippy dippy stuff. For the record, I enjoy casual sex with partners but did realize that I could love them. I was what would be considered a swinger for almost 7 years before I fell into poly.

You do eventually stop feeling like you are cheating. It takes some time but it does eventually happen as long as there is trust between you and your SO.

Being poly.. moving from what was close to swinging was a brutal experience for me. It was months of re-evaluating. Fucking other people wasn't a problem but loving more than one really kicked me where it hurt. We worked through it, talking a lot, started dating and had a really important relationship in my life. One that was sexual and loving without my wife. That jump and learning curve really .. helped.

I don't have the negative feelings towards swinging and controlling emotional attachment. People can do it, and people can succeed quite well (I know many in amazingly long term fullfilling relationships). If thats what you want. It takes work, and the ability to cut cords when shit happens. This site isn't really built around that line of thinking however. (I forget the swining forum I used to visit so really can't help)

In the end you seem to be heading towards non-monogamy. There are lots of variations of a theme that work, just depends on the people involved. Don't build expectations or have restrictions you can't maintain. Even within yourself.

nycindie 09-16-2013 04:09 AM

Here is some advice on how to make it work: Don't sign on to this dude's brand of poly if it doesn't ring true to you. His ideas might not really work for who you are. Don't worry about turning him down, if you are really mono or want to take things slowly into poly-land, there are other people out there who might be better for you, believe me. He isn't the only fish in the sea, as they say, and his way of doing poly isn't the only way to do it - you may not want the hierarchy of having a "main relationship" with others on the side, maybe you want a couple equally important relationships where no one is secondary.

If you do sign on to do things his way, then don't just find someone else to have sex with because all of a sudden you have this agreement that says you can do that. If you can't imagine fucking someone other than your new BF, it's likely that jumping into something with someone else before you're ready will just make you feel like shit.

Wait until you meet someone you really dig, someone who makes you smile and feel good about yourself when you're around him or her, and THEN see if you want to move forward into something physical. In other words, put people first, not some idealized relationship configuration.

Oh, and make sure you have a discussion about safer sex practices, what protection you will both use, and how often you will get tested for STIs.

There is nothing wrong with being monogamous if that suits you better.

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