Talking it out
I think a blog here might be helpful. My thoughts get all jumbled in my head and writing them out is the only way to organize them. Some feedback now and then is awesome, too.
Right now... I'm kind of struggling.
The current cast - I'm married to an amazing man (H). He gets me in a way that no one else ever has. I have no doubt that he is my soul mate (or one of them). The only problem I feel like our relationship has is too much familiarity now and then. We slip into friend mode instead of being lovers. Not bad, necessarily, but it feels awful when I'm not feeling very attracted to him because I've let that "friend" mindset seep in. On occasion there are other struggles, but they are usually processed and gone within a short span of time without much heartache. He is not currently seeing anyone else.
For about 8 months or so, I was dating a guy (B). I really felt (feel? this is what I'm processing now...) that I could love him and be with him for a long time. For a variety of reasons -see post 2 in a bit - I just ended things with him. We're still in contact, however, and may or may not revisit a relationship at some point. B dates a few women but hasn't had a "relationship" (the daily contact kind that he and I both prefer) other than the one with me since the beginning of the year.
I also have a casual dating relationship with a woman (Z) that I really enjoy. We're non-sexual, lots of hand-holding and kissing, though. We see each other once or twice a month. My schedule is crazy and she doesn't drive, so it's hard to work it out more than that. She is in the process of establishing a more poly-fi setup, which may or may not affect whatever it is that we're doing.
Recently, I started seeing a new fella (D)... We've been talking for about 2-3 months, been out a couple of times, just had sex for the first time this week. He is semi-geographically undesirable, but it is doable. There will not be the potential to see him more than once a week for the foreseeable future. He has a primary partner that he lives with. They are fairly new to poly and still figuring out their boundaries.
I have a very close, also poly friend that I talk to. A lot. About everything. She (Y) is my only real confidant besides H. H jokes that we might as well be together, minus the sex. Possibly true, but neither of us is attracted to the other and while we really like each other as FRIENDS, it has never felt like more than that.
Now onto my current turmoil...
I ended things with B for a few reasons.
1 - I had no idea where I stood in his life. He'd go from saying he wanted me to approve of the people in his life to not telling me that he had a new person in his life in the span of a week. He'd ask for me to make time in my schedule on a day that I'm normally not available (vague, no date mentioned kind of thing). I'd pick a date that I could make happen, free it up, and then that would be the ONE time that month that he's not available on that day. Crap that just made me question whether or not he thought about me at all when I wasn't in his presence.
2 - I need company when I am emotionally upset. I don't necessarily need to talk or anything, I just need someone to hug me. He would consistently "give me space" until I felt better. Leaving me feeling abandoned. I talked to him about this multiple times and it never changed.
3 - The least important - We have very little in common. Besides having awesome sex and similar interests in entertainment, we have nothing to talk about. We don't have the same friends (or even friends that the other is interested in getting to know). We don't have similar jobs AT ALL. We have vastly different backgrounds.
He wants to try again in the future. I don't think it's possible because of reasons 1 & 2. I'm torn. I care about him so much. The good times were fantastic, but the bad times were heart-wrenching. Right now we're in this weird limbo where we talk a bit here and there, then just drop off because we reach an impasse about what it is we're doing/going to do.
It's frustrating, and I'm just lost.
How is it possible to be so sad and so utterly happy at the same time?
D is just great. He's so open about everything. He gets me to vent, then promptly says something wonderful about me and makes me feel like everything is right in the world. I'm both disappointed and grateful for the physical distance between us so I don't get sucked into the pattern of seeing him almost every day like I did with B. So - very happy here.
I'm done with B. I need to process and be done, and I can't do that always holding on to the notion that we may be able to get back together one day. It saddens me, because I really care for him, but I know that it's the right decision. I've known it for a while and have just been trying to convince myself otherwise. He has proven time and time again that I am not even close to being a priority. I'll get over it, but tonight I am alone and I am crying and all I want to do is get him to come over and hug me. Even if I asked (and had the right to ask), though, he'd probably have an excuse not to.
Just feeling torn. Vulnerable. Loving NRE on one while mourning a relationship that I thought could be love. Awkward!
I didn't realize how stressed I'd been until I just wasn't feeling stressed anymore.
H and I had the BEST weekend. Random household chores - check! Trip to my favorite relaxation spot - check! Crazy, kinky hotel sex that I'm pretty sure caused the funny looks from the people in the room next to us the next morning - check! I love that we will stay in a hotel a mile from our apartment sometimes just because we enjoy "getting away." :p
I'm going to see Y this week, and she's going to get me drunk and cuddle on the couch with me. :)
THEN I get to see D twice this week! His primary gf (Z) and I have some mutual friends who want us all to hang out. Apparently Z says she "really, really" likes me -based on the two very casual interactions we've had.
I've also been talking to a woman on OKC and we may get together this weekend. Hoping we can work something out.
I feel so lucky right now.
Time with Y was fantastic. We hung out, did the whole sleepover thing (stayed up late, got drunk, talked about boys, and played with each others' hair. :p), and then ran errands the next day. I absolutely love her kids, so I spent quite a bit of time helping them with homework/reading to the youngest while she escaped to get a little bit of work done.
My date with D tonight was nothing short of amazing. We teased, we talked, we fucked. He's so like me in many ways, yet in other ways we balance each other well. Hopefully that trend continues. I know we're both feeling the NRE right now, and we're trying to keep it under control. We did cross a boundary that I wasn't aware of tonight, I guess, so I am wanting to talk to Z to help clarify a few things. D is taking full responsibility since I wasn't aware but I feel bad for not having made sure we covered all boundaries/rules already. We're all supposed to hang out for a bit after the big friend gathering, so hopefully the four of us can make sure we're all on the same page.
I've never dated someone so new to poly, so I really don't want to assume anything in the future. :o
Z was completely understanding about the rule-breaking. She knew I wasn't aware and is still really excited about D and I dating (she is kind of the reason we started seeing each other, actually). So... Yay.
We hung out with mutual friends yesterday. Z, D, H, and I plus 4 others. D absolutely loved getting to be in physical contact with both of us at the same time (rubbing my leg while holding Z's hand... having his arm around Z while holding my hand... just having our legs touching under the table... things like that). H was in kind of a shitty mood, and D is super shy so they didn't talk as much as I'd hoped, but it was fun and they both walked away liking each other. I like Z, too, and I know she is a fan of me so it seems like we'll be able to work out any potential issues pretty easily between whatever parties need to be involved.
D and I are doing great... We both feel so comfortable with each other, which is apparently unusual for us both. I tend to have issues opening up to people, and with D it just comes so naturally. He tends to just feel awkward and shy all the time which prevents him from really connecting. Oddly enough, we've not had those issues with each other. :)
H is simply amazing as always. We had a really nice weekend just being, then spent today doing household chores together. It is amazing how connected we feel just doing simple tasks together. I can tell he is itching to have more of a social life again, but is struggling to balance work, school, and making sure we have both relaxing and productive times together. I've been trying to help where I can - suggesting good times for him to go out, making sure transportation is accessible, etc., but for the most part it's up to him to make work or not. Drives me nuts, but what can you do! :rolleyes:
H and I have barely seen each other this week. We've both been working weird hours (sadly, very little extra/overtime, just different), and it makes us both grumpy when we don't get some solid time together. We already made plans with friends both days this weekend, too, so we won't have much "us" time until next week. :(
D has been asking about my relationship with B. He was super supportive during the break up process and is now curious what actually went wrong. I actually kind of started the conversation by casually mentioned that I had kind of learned to like something that B used to do that I was previously not a fan of. The conversation has been going well, and I think it is a perfect example of what I learned from the relationship with B. I have to be open about everything from the get-go. No trying to hide my crazy or just pretend it isn't there. :rolleyes: It WILL come out eventually, and if I'm comfortable confronting it AND D's aware of its existence, it will go a heck of a lot better than if it feels out of the blue!
I'm physically exhausted and really sore. I could go for a nice back/shoulder massage right now. Too bad I'm broke and alone. haha
Still feeling super happy!
H and I have had some great, relaxing time together this week (finally!). Caught up on a little bit of housework that got neglected, and had some super great kinky sex time. It's rare that our moods align for anything kink-related, so I was super happy that it worked out.
D and I are doing well. We're trying to find time to see each other a tad more often, but it is proving difficult. Between the distance between us and having to consider 4+ people's schedules... :rolleyes: The time we do have is great, though. We still fill the hours with talking, cooking, eating, and sex, mostly. If we turn a movie or anything on, it tends to get ignored.
Been in kind of a funk today.
H asked me to stay home when I mentioned potentially grabbing lunch/spending an hour or two with D this afternoon. I agreed since H and I haven't had tons of time together lately.
Turns out H's idea of us spending time together was him sitting on the computer doing some stuff while I was in the other room reading because he couldn't get his stuff done with me sitting next to him. Since it was due today (a combo of work stuff and school stuff), I had to leave him alone so he could focus.
I felt lonely. Ignored. Resentful that I missed some time out of the house and some time with D for nothing.
We talked about it, and I know he didn't do it on purpose. He thought he would be able to work with me next to him so we could at least be touching or chat every once in a while or something. Now we know.
H is going to take off work early tonight so we can relax before bed tonight. Normally I am asleep by the time he gets home. That should be nice and will hopefully get rid of the last dredges of this weirdness. I get this way when my plans are thrown off in not a fun way.
D could tell something was wrong, too. I tried to explain it without making H seem like the bad guy. I think I did an alright job of it. D called on his way home from work lamenting the fact that he couldn't come see me tonight because of his plans with Z. Originally we were going to hang out tonight, but they got an opportunity to see some friends from high school, and I wasn't going to make him miss that since he hasn't seen them in years!
I hung up the phone with a smile on my face, though, and I've been getting stuff done around the house ever since. Makes me feel better to accomplish a few things. I'll definitely be back to normal after some actual quality time with H!
Y has started calling me her girlfriend. In a non-joking way. She introduces me as such to the people who knows she's poly, but just says friend to those who don't know (if it was consistent I would just think she meant really close female friends!). I've noticed more physical contact being included in our time together lately, and she has been asking me a lot of questions about how/why/when I knew I was bi. Not sure how I'm feeling about this potential shift in attitude towards our relationship, which has always been strictly platonic. We need to sit down and talk about it.
I had to cancel my normal date night with D this week. :( I was sick last week, and he came anyway. This week I felt even worse so I didn't even feel like pretending to be entertaining or cuddly or anything. He did stop by to give me some chicken soup he made, though, which I thought was incredibly sweet since I am so far out of his way home from work (he works closer to my place than his own, though). He has been so stinking amazing. I've never met anyone that I have clicked with so quickly, and it scares me beyond all belief. I'm afraid the L word is going to come up soon, and that terrifies me even more! It has NOT been long enough! Not even close to long enough.
H has been frustrated because I haven't been feeling that into him sexually. I have all this NRE with D that I've felt that drive wane with H. Not that I don't engage in and enjoy sex with H, I do, but it isn't the same "gotta have it now" intensity that I usually have. I can tell it bothers him, even though he is pretty understanding of the situation.
Work is stressing me the fuck out, too. Between the schedule getting messed with, idiotic coworkers, stupid new hires, and being sick... I was about ready to walk out and never go back at the end of the day.
Not a very upbeat post, which is actually sad. I'm feeling pretty happy with life, even though I do have a few things to address in the next week or so!
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