New and Confused
I'm going to try to make this understandable, though when I am not exactly sure what is going on, it is hard for me to express it to others.
I met D over a year ago. We started seeing each other exactly a year ago. I didn't know at the time, but have since found out that he was in a monogamous relationship at the time, and I was the other woman. His ex-gf is M.
Throughout the year we've been "together" he and M have fought and fought, attempting to retain a friendship. During that time he and I got very close. We kind of graduated from seeing each other to being in a something, which we have decided is a relationship without definition. We both want a poly relationship, but he refuses to define us.
I thought I was okay with that, but now he and M are very close again. He has started referring to his situation as seeing two people, and "this poly thing". He has been "poly" for years, so he claims. But it seems I have a better handle on this than he does. He NEVER asked me if it was okay to start having sex with her again. He never told me he started having feelings for her again. And he certainly did not ask me if I minded if he saw the both of us at the same time.
I have a girlfriend, but I ran all of those things by him before I perused a relationship with her beyond friendship.
I just realized today actually that the lack of a definition has me in an odd position. He is already seeing us both (we hate each other by the way, I'd deck her if I met her). So how do I approach this with him? Obviously, definition is now needed. I think. I am not sure of anything. We've discussed things we want before, but it seems that the rules only apply to me. Who I meet or have sex with. He has no rules. And obviously that is no way to have a relationship. Not with me anyway.
I guess I need some advice, and just maybe talk it out a bit? I haven't brought this up to him yet because I am still unsure of exactly what to say, and what exactly I want. I am also loathe to lose him.
It sounds like he is doing poly a different way to you... it sounds like he is the type that believes their poly to be about freedom and no attachment to others. That is fine, but if you are looking for the attachment and respect that comes with commitment then it could be that you are not suited. His poly might not be your poly. That is fine, but can be really difficult. It's not impossible though if you start negotiating and seeing if your compromises can be changed into some comfortable boundaries... first off it sounds like you need more communication and openness from him.
I suggest that you look at the sticky on communication and look at the threads on lessons learned and foundations... tagged "lessons" and "foundations" perhaps they will help.
Thank you, it is helpful. I am hoping we can work this out. I am realizing a lot of things.
It is ok to have different rules. It is about stating what you want, which could be different things. Now if you want to be able to have sex or a relationship without his consent, let him know. If he objects, then he is being hypocritical in a saense. However, if it is important, say that is what you want.
If you are worried he is taking you for granted, ler him know how you feel. Deal with that if it is the core issue.
It sounds like you need to have a heart to heart over the relationships and its boundaries.
Okay, I don't even know where else I could post this. I don't want to start a new thread, and since its the same problems I am just expanding...?
I guess I am also just venting a little. I have a hard time understanding my own emotions, and unfortunately recently discovered that I may have borderline personality disorder. It's not what you think, but basically means that I may not ever be able to understand my full range of emotions. Nor will all of them be valid or rational. I have learned over years of trying to know myself that when I get a rush of something negative it will often pass, and to only give it time, but I think I am over my head now.
I spoke with D and have only to amend one thing in my first post, it was said out of anger. We had no rules set out, so there is nothing that applies to either of us, let alone one of us over the other. I am the one who seeks him out when meeting someone new, because I am bad at judging character.
All that being said. I broke it off with him. Which he doesn't understand, but for me it is easier to approach difficult subjects with him right now without the fear that it will break us up. It can't because I already did. I don't want to make it permanent, more of a separation period. At least I can hope for that, because I still feel as if he is not doing anything to mend us except sometimes talking, and more often then not, acting as if nothing has happened.
In fact, in acting like nothing happened, he is still actively seeing M. His ex, and apparently current, gf. He even changed his online status (I'm young, the internet has more meaning to me). When I saw him today for lunch he made some joke about its funny that I am newly single while he is newly dating.
How can that be right? Or fair? How can I feel confident trying to fix things with him if the DAY AFTER we break up, he suddenly starts dating M? Dating is a big deal for him to admit, he hates labels and will usually just say "seeing someone" or call them a "friend". So...I don't understand. I am so incredibly heartbroken. I don't understand if its ok for this to be happening. It went from our being in a relationship and him seeming to run amok, to our being nothing and him being (once again) in some kind of relationship with this woman.
I don't know anymore if this is fixable. I know I don't know anyone here, and that my history is only what I can provide, and will often be one sided and flawed, but I am so lost. I don't know what to do with this. I don't know if I should stop seeing him all together, or continue on in the hopes that he will take this seriously with me. I want so badly to talk to him, but he is out on a date with her tonight. And god it hurts me so bad to know that he has an e-mail from sitting in his inbox from yesterday, that we have not yet discussed any of those things, and that he is out with her having a good time. I just can't conceive of it being more important to be running around with her versus fixing us. Not if he really loves me. But I suppose there is always that 'if'.
I am new too and have not really gotten comfortable with the idea of giving out my opinion on others relationships yet. I have been mostly focusing on my own so far. But reading this I really felt for you.
I am concerned over the fact that you broke up with him as a way to work it out instead of just working through it. You are wanting a separation period to work on things but that doesn't mean he sees it like that. He seems to do poly differently than you like Redpepper said. I am worried that you may have just given him the green light to let you go and continue with her. You may have inadvertently sealed your own fate with this guy.
I certainly hope I am wrong and the two of you can work it out and come to an understanding. You obviously care about him very much. But I have been down this road before and I can tell you the scenery was terrible. I wish you luck, and I hope you find some sort of peace with in yourself during all this time. :)
Give it some time.. you dont want to seem like a stalker.. so.. let is slide... for awhile.. if he comes around... cool... if not... then you got your answer. If he's out having a good time with someone else... then its possible he kinda thinks you dont want a relationship with him.Or rather giving mixed signals.. after all if someone told me... they didnt want to be with me.. I first.. would be hurt.. then i'd pick up the peices and move on with things. Most folks are not going to sit around and wait for someone to make up their mind if they want to be with them.
But if you gave him the OK to go out and date other people. I figure he's doing exactly that. Which isnt wrong. But thats just my thinking. I understand your feelings.. I think everyone does. And yes it hurts like hell. And yes you feel like your world is crashing down on you.. and theres no hope of fixing it. But theres always hope... if not with him.... then with another you find. But just give him some space... and you take some space to. and see what happens... thats the hardest part IMO. the waiting and seeing. But it IS possible.
I think.. you need to figure out exactly what you want for YOURSELF. in your own heart... The rest after you do that will fall into place... life has a way of working things out... sometimes you gotta go through hell to get to heaven, Best of luck to you... and I hope you find what your looking for. Just as I hope everyone here does.:)
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