Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Propositioning (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5502)

ladyslipper 01-18-2011 05:17 PM

Propositioning
 
Hello, I wasn't able to find a good thread to hitch on to with my question so I have started a new one. But first, let me jut say, what a great community/resource. I am so glad to have found it. The last week has been a crazy discovery process and this forum was a god-send. I have read a lot on here. You are all so giving of your time and insights.

My husband and I (30 y/o female) are about to attempt a triangle. We didn't go looking for it although we have always desired a third, it has sort of happened organically. After much discussion between the two of us we are having a hard time deciding how to bring the third in to our discussion. He is a close family friend of ours who spends much time with all of us - my husband, my 5 y/o daughter and myself. We all get along famously but the topic of intimacy between three seems so taboo. We are scared!

There is already some chemistry happening between him and I and I beleive he has some sense of our desires but nothing has been said quite explicitly.

Mainly I would like to hear your thoughts on one approach being considered: In an effort to avoid further delay, speak plainly and clearly we are considering e-mailng him initially. We think this could give him a chance to process the idea in private and an in person discussion could happen subsequently if he is interested. Can anyone see any glaring problems with this? I'm sure I have blinders on.

Laylah 01-18-2011 06:20 PM

uhm... you can do it how you like but If it was me.... i'd do it in person. But thats just me. And if it was me i'd just lay it all out on the table... then give him some time to process it all. It may take awhile to. Either way you know where you'd stand with the person. I mean its not like he'd kill you or nothing... the only thing is he can say no or yeah and then move on with it.

redpepper 01-18-2011 08:08 PM

what you are going to offer him is called a "triad." I suggest that you do a search in the tags for "triad" and "vee" to see the difference, because it sound like you are really offering him a vee... with you being the hinge...

The situation you are describing is the best place to start a poly dynamic. Friends first and a movement to more often seems to work best. Good luck, and ya, in person is best I think. Why not start communication off right.

I also suggest you look at tags like "lessons" and "foundation" to get an idea how you might start off on the right foot.

ladyslipper 01-19-2011 12:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 61692)
what you are going to offer him is called a "triad." I suggest that you do a search in the tags for "triad" and "vee" to see the difference, because it sound like you are really offering him a vee... with you being the hinge...

The situation you are describing is the best place to start a poly dynamic. Friends first and a movement to more often seems to work best. Good luck, and ya, in person is best I think. Why not start communication off right.

I also suggest you look at tags like "lessons" and "foundation" to get an idea how you might start off on the right foot.

Thanks Layla & Redpepper. I have read about all the terminology and it is not a triad we want at all. A triangle is what we are looking for, all three of us together at once. A threesome - MFM.
I've looked through a lot on here, trying to start at the beginning, it is quite overwhelming the amount of info!
I am inclined to think like you - start it off face to face. My husband, who has known him longer than I have, thinks it might be off putting for him or make him feel on the spot. I tend to think it will be a little awkward for all of us in the beginning. The potential newbie seems almost asexual in that he doesn't have girlfriends or talk much about love interests...
I guess it boils down to fear of the unknown.
I hoped maybe someone has been propositioned in this way and could say yes, it was nice or no it felt cold.

Laylah 01-19-2011 06:24 AM

well i guess im alittle more blunt on such things and am not shy...In this situation.. I suppose you kinda need to tiptoe through the tulips so to speak on it... as to not run the person off lol. I think i'd just say what you want... and explain its not a swinging thing at all. seeing as how you guys have been friends forever and a day... I bet 9 times outta 10 they've had that thought to... and been to shy to say something about it. Maybe they would be releived someone did. You never know till you try.;)

mrladyslipper 01-19-2011 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laylah (Post 61791)
well i guess im alittle more blunt on such things and am not shy...In this situation.. I suppose you kinda need to tiptoe through the tulips so to speak on it... as to not run the person off lol. I think i'd just say what you want... and explain its not a swinging thing at all. seeing as how you guys have been friends forever and a day... I bet 9 times outta 10 they've had that thought to... and been to shy to say something about it. Maybe they would be releived someone did. You never know till you try.;)

Thanks for your thoughts Laylah and Redpepper. I am the husband :) I have wanted to bring a couple and/or another person (MFM and FMF) into our family for many years. I thought of my good friend (over 20yrs) a couple of wks ago but did not say anything to my wife. She started to think about him as a 3way last wk (or so) but did not know how to tell me...lol (we are very in tune to each other :) ). On Sat morning she opened up to me while we were laying in bed, we have had only 4 days to sink in everything (over load...lol). We both have deep feelings for him (turns of on, not all sex part) and like that he is a solo kind of guy (needs his place and space a lot). He came over on Sat night (it was planned before both my wife and i talked) and we tried to talk about it but everything was still so new to us (no time to have a deep talk with my wife and I alone). My thought (knowing him so well) was to email him a simple message (not to much info, just a right amount) and state that we want to come over to his house this wkend and talk about our feelings for him. Maybe not stay to long so he can think about it after we leave. I just dont want to stop over at his place and then bring up the subject (no warning about the subject), corner him in and no place to go. I think this might work well but we have never done this before.

Derbylicious 01-19-2011 04:56 PM

BTW a triad is a relationship where everyone is involved with each other. A "V" is one where there is a central person involved with 2 people who are not involved with each other. Hope that helps a bit with the terminology.

I agree that bringing this up face to face is probably the way to go. I would start out by saying that you don't need an answer right away and that you don't want the discussion to make things weird between the 3 of you. Good luck.

TL4everu2 01-19-2011 05:54 PM

Voice of experience here. My wife and I's first experience with someone outside of our marriage was with my best friend. My wife had mentioned that she thought he was "hot" and wouldn't mind sleeping with him, but that she would never cheat on me, etc.

I explained to her that I was ok with it if he was, and I would talk to him about it sometime in the ner future. Well, after she and I had many discussions about it, I finally got the balls to set it up and ask him.

We had him come over for drinks one night. We were all sitting around playing cards and board games. Then, it was getting late, (about 1am) and we were all hungry. My wife was drinking more than us, and so he and I went to Taco Bell for something to eat. While in the drive thru, I looked at him and said "So, I don't know if you noticed or not, but L (my wife) finds you pretty hot. He laughed and said "Oh? I hadn't noticed, but she is pretty drunk tonight. haha". I looked at him and asked "Well, would you like to sleep with her?" He about fell off the earth! LOL His mouth dropped open and he stammered a bit and said "HUH?!?" I repeated my question to him, and added that I was ok with it if he wanted to. He said he wouldn't mind, but didn't want to piss me off. I told him that I would make the first move back at the house. Well, he couldn't have driven that little truck any faster to get back to our house. In fact, he almost forgot the food! LOL

We got back to the house, and to ease his mind, I helped my wife get a little "more comfortable" by helping her to remove some of her constrictive clothing. :D LOL

This relationship lasted about 2 years until he got married. At that point, he cut it all off citing his wife as the reason why. He said she didn't know anything about his sexual relationship with my wife. So, out of respect, we never slept with him again. We never pressured him about it, and generally never spoke of it. He said his wife wasn't into that type of relationship. :(




So, my advice?

Invite him over for some booze. Pop the question early enough that no-one is drunk. This way, you can CLAIM you were "pretty messed up last night" if you HAVE to, because he said no, the next day. But it also helps to loosen up a person a little more.

Carma 01-19-2011 06:15 PM

TL4,
Thanks for sharing!!! :)

TL4everu2 01-19-2011 06:17 PM

No problem Carma. Always happy to help. My "friends" get the un-censored version though. Wanna be my "friend"? LOL :p


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:04 PM.