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-   -   New to Site, Questions About Developing Poly Relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=54798)

MsChristy 09-10-2013 03:58 AM

New to Site, Questions About Developing Poly Relationship
 
Hey all I am a new member here and am seeking some advice on an evolving poly relationship of mine. I am a married woman in an open with relationship with my husband, C. We have been open for around 3 years, but most of what we have done has been casual play and no actual relationships/dating. Since we are both into BDSM and kink, most of this has involved BDSM type scenes with one of us and another person.

C and I have been friends with another couple H and A for years, and consider them to be good friends. In the last year or so, H and I have started playing more casually, and have come to realize that it is actually more of a true relationship and that we both love each other. H and A have been open since the beginning, but only A has ever really taken advantage of this, as H has only casually played and briefly dated.

Which means that while both of our partners have been ok with an open poly relationship in theory, this is the first time either of us have really put it into practice. C has been great with all of this, but A, has struggled with jealousy issues. While A admits her jealousy issues are illogical, and she says she is trying to overcome it, during periods of stress it becomes apparent that her jealousy is coming out more. A says she is ok with me and H playing, being in love, having sex, whatever, but because of her apparent jealousy issues we have abstained from sex.

C also plays with H, although he is not romantically involved with him, so I do get that A may sometimes feel like an odd man out since she does not play with either of us.

Anyone who has been in a similar situation have any advice for how to help my new relationship continue to develop while trying to preserve my friendship with A?

Marcus 09-10-2013 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsChristy (Post 227615)
A says she is ok with me and H playing, being in love, having sex, whatever, but because of her apparent jealousy issues we have abstained from sex.

While coddling someones insecurities would seem to be a helpful thing to do - it is having, in fact, the opposite impact. What will have a positive impact on her learning to work through her insecurities will be to treat her like an adult and let her deal with them. When you have sex with H, she will likely have an emotional response... she will have the opportunity to deal with said response and realize the reality that "everything is actually ok" and that the insecurity alarm bells were a false alarm. This is how we deal with these feelings, by experiencing them, working through them, and realizing that they are just feelings which need to be dealt with.

I say take her at her word and live your life (she will take care of hers).

MsChristy 09-10-2013 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 227734)
While coddling someones insecurities would seem to be a helpful thing to do - it is having, in fact, the opposite impact. What will have a positive impact on her learning to work through her insecurities will be to treat her like an adult and let her deal with them. When you have sex with H, she will likely have an emotional response... she will have the opportunity to deal with said response and realize the reality that "everything is actually ok" and that the insecurity alarm bells were a false alarm. This is how we deal with these feelings, by experiencing them, working through them, and realizing that they are just feelings which need to be dealt with.

I say take her at her word and live your life (she will take care of hers).

So you are saying that we are, in a sense, avoiding the inevitable of her emotional response and it really doesn't matter how long we wait. You may be right as with past physical progression she has not seemed to have as much of an issue as we would have anticipated. A has even told us that in her eyes we have already had sex. In some ways she seems to struggle more with what she calls "coupley" stuff, when we cuddle or do other non-sexual things. Perhaps the worst emotional hurdle is over...

gorgeouskitten 09-10-2013 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsChristy (Post 227742)
So you are saying that we are, in a sense, avoiding the inevitable of her emotional response and it really doesn't matter how long we wait. You may be right as with past physical progression she has not seemed to have as much of an issue as we would have anticipated. A has even told us that in her eyes we have already had sex. In some ways she seems to struggle more with what she calls "coupley" stuff, when we cuddle or do other non-sexual things. Perhaps the worst emotional hurdle is over...

I agree with Marcus. when i asked my husband to be poly, I asked him to swallow the whole pill at once because i DID want to have sex with Nudge, not just hang out with him. beating around the bush just insulted him because he already really knew we wanted to have sex, our actually doing it was less hard on him than his anticipation.

Does A have other partners? Nudge and i struggeled some with his wife's jealous while she did not have a partner herself, but tried best we could to not let it effect the relationship we had every right to have

GalaGirl 09-10-2013 05:28 PM

Quote:

A has even told us that in her eyes we have already had sex. In some ways she seems to struggle more with what she calls "coupley" stuff, when we cuddle or do other non-sexual things. Perhaps the worst emotional hurdle is over...
Well, it's good she's reporting her emotional weather up front. Could give her props for that.

If your goal is to develop your relationship with H while preserving your friendship with A.... be a friend then. Friends do ask each other how they are doing from time to time.

Could ask her how she's holding up.

Could ask what she needs at this time in terms of support from you as she deal with accepting "the new normal." Is she feeling left out? Not considered? Dealing with envy and wishing she had some of the NRE action herself? Something else? Or basically ok and just needing time to pass?

She may or may not be willing/able to articulate everything but your could inquire about her well being as her friend.

If you are willing to do more than inquire, you could let her know what those things might be.

Galagirl

Inyourendo 09-10-2013 05:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 227734)
While coddling someones insecurities would seem to be a helpful thing to do - it is having, in fact, the opposite impact. What will have a positive impact on her learning to work through her insecurities will be to treat her like an adult and let her deal with them. When you have sex with H, she will likely have an emotional response... she will have the opportunity to deal with said response and realize the reality that "everything is actually ok" and that the insecurity alarm bells were a false alarm. This is how we deal with these feelings, by experiencing them, working through them, and realizing that they are just feelings which need to be dealt with.

I say take her at her word and live your life (she will take care of hers).

<3 so wise!

MsChristy 09-10-2013 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 227749)
I agree with Marcus. when i asked my husband to be poly, I asked him to swallow the whole pill at once because i DID want to have sex with Nudge, not just hang out with him. beating around the bush just insulted him because he already really knew we wanted to have sex, our actually doing it was less hard on him than his anticipation.

Does A have other partners? Nudge and i struggeled some with his wife's jealous while she did not have a partner herself, but tried best we could to not let it effect the relationship we had every right to have

A does not have any other partners. A will occasionally casually play with others at bdsm parties, but no relationships or anything. A has dated both men and women while she has been with H, just no one in the last couple years.

Yeah, both C and A are well aware we want to have sex, as we have discussed it with both of them. I guess I just never thought about how us dragging it out to ensure A is comfortable with it and emotionally prepared could actually be hurting her more...

Marcus 09-10-2013 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsChristy (Post 227742)
Perhaps the worst emotional hurdle is over...

No idea. Once you and A shag it seems entirely likely that she will have an emotional reaction. That may be a hurdle for her which could be difficult... but she'll never grow if she's not given the opportunity/challenge.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsChristy (Post 227742)
So you are saying that we are, in a sense, avoiding the inevitable of her emotional response and it really doesn't matter how long we wait.

A sounds like she is aware of her feelings, she's communicated them, she is adult enough to recognize that they are not entirely rational, and she has resisted the urge to ask you to take action in service of her insecurity. That is all really good news.

If you were going to wait for anything, you'd be waiting for her to get to the point she is at. Without actually being forced to deal with it I don't expect she will have the ability to grow much more than she already has.

MsChristy 09-10-2013 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 227752)
Well, it's good she's reporting her emotional weather up front. Could give her props for that.

If your goal is to develop your relationship with H while preserving your friendship with A.... be a friend then. Friends do ask each other how they are doing from time to time.

Could ask her how she's holding up.

Could ask what she needs at this time in terms of support from you as she deal with accepting "the new normal." Is she feeling left out? Not considered? Dealing with envy and wishing she had some of the NRE action herself? Something else? Or basically ok and just needing time to pass?

She may or may not be willing/able to articulate everything but your could inquire about her well being as her friend.

If you are willing to do more than inquire, you could let her know what those things might be.

Galagirl

I guess I should add that even before H and I started getting involved my friendship with A was starting to drift apart. H&A live a few states away so I may only get to see them once a month or so. It used to be that when C and I were in town we would hang out with both of them, catch up, etc, but in the last 2 years or so A has developed a different group of friends and hobbies and is often out when we are around, so that we get to spend minimal time with her. While I do try to ask her about life, catch up, etc, I don't feel comfortable sitting her down and having a heart to heart "how do you feel about me being in a relationship with your bf" conversation with her.

Marcus 09-10-2013 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsChristy (Post 227757)
I guess I just never thought about how us dragging it out to ensure A is comfortable with it and emotionally prepared could actually be hurting her more...

I'm not sure that dragging it out is hurting her "more". Though I don't find coddling to be a healthy way to deal with someone who is having an issue. I am all in favor of courtesy, communication, kindness, but sheltering someone from reality is just stunting their growth.


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