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-   -   Overnight jealousy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=54781)

Spokanepoly 09-09-2013 09:57 PM

Overnight jealousy
 
my wife and I consider ourselfs Poly. we both have dated other people, recently though my wife found a guy she loves, she spends as much time with him as possible and that's great .... but also she wants to start staying the night with him .... weekends and such. I am having a hard time dealing with this, I dont like her being away from me over night. wife says thats all part pf being poly and she wants a completely open and fair relationship for all, I can see her point and it sounds good on paper but when she is gone, im a wreck .... am I wrong in wanting her to stay home with me and not stay at his place ? is there a way to help deal with my jealousy on this issue ? any advice :)

alibabe_muse 09-09-2013 10:34 PM

Well, my husband and I have discussed this since he was having a hard time with his envy/jealousy. I have a boyfriend, more of a fwb, that I see lots here at our house with hub, but I have been to his place one time. I'm not sure it was quite an "overnight" since I didn't get there until 11:30pm and was home by 5:00am. Hub had an awful time with it. The entire time I was driving over there (he's in Spok like you) hub was sending me texts, freaking the hell out and what not. I just ignored it since I knew he was having his own personal issue. He had given us the okay to be alone and then all of a sudden, lost his friggin mind (that was in July).

Now I'm about to meet a new guy and hub asked if I was going to stay overnight. I said after that incident we made an agreement no overnights right away with any one new but that eventually they would be ok. Part of what makes it hard for hub is our 2 year old. She wakes, not every night, to nurse. It's actually easy for him to just make a bottle, but that was his reasoning and I'm letting him use it. We also have two other kids, 15 yo girl and an almost 8 yo boy, so it's just best for them I'm home before they wake.

As I'm pretty new to this, I can't say what you can do to get over your jealousy except you'll need to figure out why you are jealous or insecure about her staying there. Is it every weekend? How many nights will you have her staying with you? Are you involved with any one else? Do you have a hobby you can do? There are a lot of stories about this and other posts here. I'm sure the more you read, learn and get opinions, you'll come to terms with your feelings.

Good luck on figuring this out. I personally know my husband loves me so much that I don't experience jealousy. Tomorrow he's going to meet a new girl. I'm not sure what they'll do but I'm sure they are going to get intimate. I'm 100% okay with it and smile every time I think about it.

Dagferi 09-09-2013 10:35 PM

Yes and no... it is ok to want her to be home with you every night. But it is stay home.rong to make her stay home with you.

Keep yourself busy.. get a life hobby and etc separate from your wife just because you're married does mean you have to be joined at the hip.

Spokanepoly 09-09-2013 10:50 PM

well just to clarify she goes out on dates with him to dinner and such and they get intimate later at his house, im fine with all that, for some reason though when she stays the night and I know she isn't coming home, it really bothers me. ive been trying to figure out why this is something that im having a real issue with. I guess in the 10 years we have been together, we have never really been apart much and so now that she is wanting some time at someone elses house and im home alone, I cant concentrate and on anything but her being gone.

Spokanepoly 09-09-2013 10:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alibabe_muse (Post 227545)
Well, my husband and I have discussed this since he was having a hard time with his envy/jealousy. I have a boyfriend, more of a fwb, that I see lots here at our house with hub, but I have been to his place one time. I'm not sure it was quite an "overnight" since I didn't get there until 11:30pm and was home by 5:00am. Hub had an awful time with it. The entire time I was driving over there (he's in Spok like you) hub was sending me texts, freaking the hell out and what not. I just ignored it since I knew he was having his own personal issue. He had given us the okay to be alone and then all of a sudden, lost his friggin mind (that was in July).

Now I'm about to meet a new guy and hub asked if I was going to stay overnight. I said after that incident we made an agreement no overnights right away with any one new but that eventually they would be ok. Part of what makes it hard for hub is our 2 year old. She wakes, not every night, to nurse. It's actually easy for him to just make a bottle, but that was his reasoning and I'm letting him use it. We also have two other kids, 15 yo girl and an almost 8 yo boy, so it's just best for them I'm home before they wake.

As I'm pretty new to this, I can't say what you can do to get over your jealousy except you'll need to figure out why you are jealous or insecure about her staying there. Is it every weekend? How many nights will you have her staying with you? Are you involved with any one else? Do you have a hobby you can do? There are a lot of stories about this and other posts here. I'm sure the more you read, learn and get opinions, you'll come to terms with your feelings.

Good luck on figuring this out. I personally know my husband loves me so much that I don't experience jealousy. Tomorrow he's going to meet a new girl. I'm not sure what they'll do but I'm sure they are going to get intimate. I'm 100% okay with it and smile every time I think about it.

Its not every weekend, just one so far and before that she was away for one night durring the week. I couldnt sleep that night at all, felt stressed out the whole time lol. the weekend was the worst, I guess more time made it worse. Im hoping I can work through soon cause she is not happy with the idea of no overnights...... and he cant stay here cause we have family living with us ...

gorgeouskitten 09-09-2013 11:03 PM

I do overnights with nudge, I know J feels down sometimes but he keeps himself busy, has a friend over, etc. I think you just have to find ways to occupy your mind and get used to the newness until its not new anymore

Spokanepoly 09-09-2013 11:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 227554)
I think you just have to find ways to occupy your mind and get used to the newness until its not new anymore

yeah a friend over could work, just wasn't possible those nights. we are trying the just get used to it idea lol, we call it exposure therapy lol. so far it hasn't worked but time will tell.

Spokanepoly 09-09-2013 11:23 PM

guess im just trying to see if anyone is going through this or has in the past and has any sage wisdom :P

CattivaGattina 09-09-2013 11:57 PM

I'll ask Woodsmith when he gets home if he had difficulty when Seven and I started having our overnights (weekly) and how he handled them.

Spokanepoly 09-10-2013 12:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CattivaGattina (Post 227566)
I'll ask Woodsmith when he gets home if he had difficulty when Seven and I started having our overnights (weekly) and how he handled them.

thanks that's much appreciated :);)


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