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-   -   Advice: my monogamous partner and polyamorous me (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5478)

FaerieLady 01-18-2011 06:54 AM

Advice: my monogamous partner and polyamorous me
Hello all! I'm new to the forum. I was looking around for some fresh perspectives on a problem I have.

Since I was 14, I've known I didn't like monogamous relationships. I didn't understand what my relationship with my partner had to do with my relationship with others. I've hurt a lot of people with my behavior. But I finally got 'better' and stopped cheating, mostly from social pressure and being just too exhausted to pursue other lovers.

I'm now in a relationship of one year with K. He understands polyamory, but would not feel at all comfortable with it. For a while, I've been attracted to a close friend of mine, M, and due to some friends with big mouths, we both know we like each other. He is in to politics and activism, which are a HUGE part of my life- I direct the environmental club on campus, and am involved with a number of other organizations. It's my life, it's my social scene, it's what i spend my time thinking about. It's also something that my primary is not very interested in.

Our relationship has become strained lately, because of my tight schedule, a lot of trouble with his parents, his alchoholism, and my commitment/addiction to activism.

So that's the context. In the past week, I have been hanging out with the other person a lot, being excited to get his texts, having movie marathons, and last night I slept at his house.

I'm having trouble separating these issues out. Some part of me wants to break up with my primary so that I can hook up with this person. It is also confusing that I am having thoughts of breaking up with him aside from the polyamory thing. I feel like I don't want to do monogamy anymore. It doesn't feel right. I still love K, but I am not in the kind of relationship that I want, both because of our problems, and because of the polyamory thing. The other option is to stay committed to this relationship, stop seeing M (difficult because we organize together so often), and work on our relationship. My friends find it so hard to understand being attracted to multiple people, and so I feel like they don't have the perspective to see things the way I do.


MonoVCPHG 01-18-2011 06:58 AM

So what do you actually share in common with your current boyfriend? I guess I'm looking for a reason for you to stay with him.

FaerieLady 01-18-2011 07:14 AM

When we first started dating, activism wasn't as big a part of my life. We would go to community events together. We would also go to music shows, see movies. We like art. We both have a pretty broad taste and open mind, so we would sample the pleasures our town has to offer. He kept me balanced. He is easy going. We play music together in a band. We have a really similar sense of humor and have a really good time together when we're not doing anything serious. But I guess the transition to 'serious relationship' is happening, and it's not going smoothly. I think a lot of that is to be expected. I don't know when to call it quits.

FaerieLady 01-18-2011 07:19 AM

I also feel like we are in a committed relationship, and I don't want to leave him to deal with his problems alone. Part of being committed is working through problems together, problems with myself, with him, and with us.

lovinhimloviner 01-18-2011 08:03 AM

Just from my past experience alcoholism will eventually kill everything you love. Out of all of the problems I see with this that is the major one. I might be jaded because of my personal experiences but that is how I see it.

FlameKat 01-18-2011 08:09 AM


Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner (Post 61579)
Just from my past experience alcoholism will eventually kill everything you love. Out of all of the problems I see with this that is the major one. I might be jaded because of my personal experiences but that is how I see it.


GroundedSpirit 01-18-2011 04:48 PM

Hi FarieLady,

I think your insights are trying to get your attention.
And from a single writing I'd suspect that you may well be one of those people who are just going to be 'poly inclined' all your life. No way of knowing where that came from.

But you are seeing the evidence and need for balance in your life. It's extremely rare that any one person can fulfill all our various needs for connections, shared passions etc. The broader and more complex you are the harder it becomes.

And I think this realization is something that pulls a lot of people off the mono path. For those, it's just not a good fit. Always going to be a struggle with a lot of bitterness and resentments bubbling under the surface. Not the best way to live.

Keep thinking, talking and learning. Trust your insights - especially when the are substantiated.


redpepper 01-18-2011 08:03 PM

A balance is a good thing in life I think. I used to be an activist and got so into it the rest of my life blurred. I lost perspective and people that I could of influenced and enjoyed just by being me... your gut will give you the answer, but also it could be a case of NRE. Give it some time and don't dump the baby out with the bath water... try and stay present when you are with both men and remind your self to keep perspective and aware that one is new to you and like a new toy and the other isn't. Maybe they are an old favorite, or maybe you have grow out of them... time will tell.

MrRusty 01-18-2011 10:13 PM

Yeah, Fearie, I'm relatively new to this and have written elsewhere about what an epiphany I had when I discovered that other people have these strong non-exclusive feelings.

Don't try again to be mono. From what you write I am pretty sure you aren't that. But listen to the more experienced people here because loving a mono is fraught with difficulties because they just do not understand us.

Bless them, they have to take on trust that we truly love them and override all their feelings by acts of willpower. Not sure I could do that if the boot were on t'other foot.

As has been said, things like alcoholism are a whole 'nother problem. If you love him, get him help. This is not from my personal experience, but a drug problem warps your perceptions.

sage 01-19-2011 01:05 AM

Yep I agree with the others that the fact your partner is alcoholic is your major problem. That isn't something you can deal with unless he acknowledges it and seeks help for himself.

Mr Rusty I find your description of monos more than a little patronizing. Generalizations like you're making are really unhelpful in mono/poly relationships. Many of us invest a great deal of time and effort to understand our partners and I believe many of us succeed. We are constantly faced with having to defend them in the face of condemnation from the wider community and it would be nice to receive a little sincere, rather than condescending, acknowledgment in return.

Your sort of attitude really gets up my nose.

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