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-   -   Alpha... by Accident (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5477)

Ohiogrl 01-18-2011 06:21 AM

Alpha... by Accident
 
Ideally, in my Boyfriend and I's relationships with others, we would like for us to all be on an equal level. All communicate be friends etc. FMF relationship all sharing each others lives together.

I do not actively search out women for us, as I honestly do not have the time or energy to do so. The women I have brought to our relationship have been very good open minded friends of mine who have popped in for the night as a favor. Not as part of a relationship. Which was all good and fun, but not what either of us really want.

He does actively search out women. And has exhibited VERY poor judgment in doing so, not maliciously mind you I think he is just to eager to find the "one". But these women have created a HUGE amount of drama in our lives, and as a result of this, I have had to step in to screen so to speak.

The rule is now, He doesn't get to start any relationships with anyone I do not approve of. And although I am very very picky and he finds this extremely frustrating, I have always been right about all of them so far. It's disturbing how many girls will come around and take advantage of a situation such as ours. I certainly hope none of you had ever had to deal with this.

I don't want to do this. It's not who I am to be in control like this. And honestly, its exhausting. But the amount of heartache he has suffered from these 'undesirables' is just to much for me to watch anymore. He is such a giving and caring person and so easily taken advantage of, its just excruciating to see happen over and over again. Every time he gets hurt, it effects our relationship for months, and then I am hurting too.

I am constantly questioning, giving what we actually want for our lives, do I even have the right to protrude myself into his new relationships? Is there a better way for me to handle this?

I just can't deal with him hurting anymore.
It kills me.

redpepper 01-18-2011 06:30 AM

I take it you are looking for a triad? or is it a vee... cause if its a vee then isn't it up to him who he picks? Maybe that would be a better option if you don't like his choices.

the other thing is; and this is what I have noticed in my life... my husband picks women who are just like me!!!!:eek: freaky! And really difficult because I have had to face my shit. Most of them are so much like me they want to be the center of attention and don't like that they are in our relationship together. Other than that they have no poly skills and don't match up as we have 12 years of experience. Not to say we are super stars, but damn near it ;) heh, just kidding. No we have our moments, but we at least no what our foundation is.

I suggest starting with figuring out what your goals are and if they are reasonable. maybe it's time to let a few boundaries go and let it fly a bit more... "rules" are not workable... boundaries mean that there is breathing room as they are fluid... start negotiating what they are and give each other some freedom.

Lastly, do some reading on here of other threads... check the stickies, do a tag search for "unicorn" "dating" anything that takes your fancy. It sound like you have some hard work to do to make it work for you. You have gone the first steps already, time to figure out what the block is and get rid of it so you can move on... some introspection and educating might go a long way.

ImaginaryIllusion 01-18-2011 06:52 AM

Something about this sounds very familiar. You might check out here to find out why (Other than the obvious one about guys having two heads and only enough blood to run one at a time).

Ohiogrl 01-18-2011 07:49 AM

redpepper:

Triad or Vee we are open to both. Depends on the situation. Making choices is not on a personal level as it is on a common sense, avoid drama level. He is not very good at either.

ImaginaryIllusion:

OMG Exactly. Situations are so very similar! Especially the patience part. You would be very good for him to talk to. (Though He has been incredibly patient with me. I'm very lucky. I definitely drug my heels on this whole concept at first several years ago!) I plan to get him involved with this forum, but he is mourning a recent relationship right now. He will probably be glued to the PS3 for a few weeks. :( I miss him already.

Speaking of similar, cool to see some one else is a sci-fi spaz like me. lol.

I am in good company here.

Thanks all.

Jodi 01-18-2011 02:43 PM

can you do the recruiting? maybe if you establish a friendship first, with a woman/women looking for a couple, then you can see how your husband/boyfriend likes her. but, i heard it's hard to find a woman for a couple...sorry, i wasn't sure if the girlfriend would be for both of you. hang in there someone great is sure to come along for him!

ImaginaryIllusion 01-18-2011 02:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ohiogrl (Post 61576)

I am in good company here.

This is true. :D

GroundedSpirit 01-18-2011 05:00 PM

Hey Ohio,

I'm grinning because I've mostly had the identical situation only roles reversed.
My mate is just one of those big hearted, naive, trusting people who wants to love the world and believe the best about everyone until proven different.

And because I believe in this high (but stupid) ideal, I have often let things get started even if my warning bells were going off. But over time our communication has gotten better and she's learned to respect my bells - much as I do hers.

This is key because in many situations we've seen, the person who's bells are ringing is accused of being controlling ! It takes some time for people to develop enough trust in each other's judgement and analysis to put this (control) thing away and step back and take an honest look/listen.

Like you, we've discovered that we are seldom if ever wrong about our instincts. Maybe we've lived long enough and practiced enough to hone our skills of observation. Or maybe we're just lucky :)

I say - keep raising the alarm when you feel it's legit - but make sure there's some facts behind it whenever possible.

GS

Ohiogrl 01-18-2011 10:35 PM

Thank you all for these great replies. They have really given me something to think about.

Right now, I think I need to be a bit braver, maybe post in the blog thread, and not be so timid about it all. I am just so used to "not sharing" such information.... LOL.

There is so much more to the whole story that is relevant, I think that might be the best way to go? In order to explain myself? Though I am extremely nervous about it. >_<

Its not easy being new. hahahaha

NeonKaos 01-18-2011 10:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ohiogrl (Post 61717)
Thank you all for these great replies. They have really given me something to think about.

Right now, I think I need to be a bit braver, maybe post in the blog thread, and not be so timid about it all. I am just so used to "not sharing" such information.... LOL.

There is so much more to the whole story that is relevant, I think that might be the best way to go? In order to explain myself? Though I am extremely nervous about it. >_<

Its not easy being new. hahahaha

Just think through what you want to say because you have 12 hours to edit or delete your posts, and after that they stay up permanently.

I tend to not say anything on the internet that I wouldn't shout from the rooftops of a crowded city, but that's just the way I run my life. I don't want to discourage you from sharing, but sometimes an ounce of discretion is worth pounds of damage-control.

Ohiogrl 01-18-2011 11:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 61720)
Just think through what you want to say because you have 12 hours to edit or delete your posts, and after that they stay up permanently.

I tend to not say anything on the internet that I wouldn't shout from the rooftops of a crowded city, but that's just the way I run my life. I don't want to discourage you from sharing, but sometimes an ounce of discretion is worth pounds of damage-control.

Oh I know, exactly. I dont even post my relationship statuses, location or birthday etc on Facebook or MySpace. I am very private like that. But balancing my privacy with my need to reach out is turning out to be a bit difficult for me.

I am going to have to spend time thinking about it like you said, and try to decide what is relevant and what is TMI. Kinda tricky in a forum. I wish there were local people we could talk to face to face.

Perhaps I am the poster child for the overly cautious? It seems to be a theme for me.... LOL


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