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-   -   Hi I am new - just wanted a place to get this situation some perspective! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=54718)

nobodyswife 09-08-2013 07:28 PM

Hi I am new - just wanted a place to get this situation some perspective!
I am going to change and/or withhold some irrelevant details due to wanting to remain anonymous and not bump into someone involved while here. I am not ready for that just yet.

I am a divorced mother. Been single quite a number of years. Have had some fantastic fwb relationships but not a serious love in a very long time. Partly due to my own choices, partly for lack of meeting someone I was in love with.

So here we are now.

I decided to go online to meet some people just to sort of jazz up my free time and see what was out there. I did not go into it intending to meet anyone for LOVE and (you know where this is going) so I find myself a bit taken aback by the things that have occurred to this point..

He is my age. He is a very successful and busy professional. He is a beautiful person. He clicks with me on every possible level. Sexually, intellectually, emotionally, just every possibly way you can connect with a person. He isn't like the others, to put it as cliche as possible.

He is married. He identified himself and his marriage as poly and/or swinger immediately. He did not hide this fact. However I got the sense that their lifestyle was leaning more toward swinger and less toward poly in the way that they had not been in outside relationships before. The rules they have are basic and make sense. He has not broken them.

I find myself wondering about a great many things now. One, I am emotionally attached to this man and I am fighting that with great urgency due to my own past and my fear of being rejected and/or abandoned. This is my issue, not his. He is attentive and caring and very open and honest. Another of my issues is my own worthiness and why a man like this would want to pursue any kind of relationship with me but that is probably for another thread.

He has stated to me that this is something more than your average fwb situation and something that he wishes to pursue into the future. We haven't dropped the L bomb however it is there in the periphery of our conversation.

So the other worry I have is: how will wife see this? Will she remain OK with things as they've been, will she freak the hell out that her husband is in love, will she want to meet me? Will she like me if she does meet me? Will I have to like her?

How far should I let my heart go before knowing the answers? She is aware of my existence. She is not aware of his feelings yet. I think he is playing it cautiously with her. I don't accuse him of being dishonest. He isn't. I think this is just new for him also.

kdt26417 09-08-2013 08:51 PM

Hello nobodyswife,
Welcome to our forum.

Based on the information given, I have to conclude that you will be taking a gamble no matter which road you take. Until you get to know this man's wife better, you have no way of knowing how she will react to her husband being emotionally involved with you, if she is accustomed to swinging and that's what she's comfortable with. On the other hand, if you withdraw from this man, you could end up spending the rest of your life wondering, "What if I had given it a try?"

Perhaps you should explore this relationship a little further and see what happens. If the wife disapproves and you have to withdraw later, you might suffer some heartbreak, but without the risk of heartbreak there can't be any romance (poly or otherwise).

Feel free to look around our site and see if you find any experience/wisdom that helps you make a decision. You can always post further questions, concerns, etc.

You might find our Life stories and blogs board to be useful and interesting for reading (or writing your own blog). The Poly Relationships Corner might also be a good place to post.

Hope you find the information you need.
Kevin T.

nobodyswife 09-08-2013 09:23 PM

Thank you. I guess anytime you love someone you take a risk. Maybe I should stop worrying over that and just realize there's always the risk of heartbreak. Is he worth that? Yes I believe so. I don't want to hurt his marriage. I may be unfounded in thinking that I will. Wife maybe on board. He stated they've not had this happen and that they're not under any requirement to discuss their activities. But that due to the emotions involved here he feels like she should know. It's all so new to me that I think it's easy to separate the poly part from the just normal love and risk part.

herstory 09-08-2013 10:42 PM

what I might do
Since I'm new to being poly please don't take what I write as anything more than what I might do if I found myself in your situation.

I personally would hold back a little until I knew that his wife will not reject him having an emotional relationship with another person. Because it could be that she says no and he decides to withdraw from the relationship he has with you.

That's just me and it takes me a long time (6 months or so) to trust people or even trust my own feelings and think that it may be love.

I wish you luck on your journey and welcome to the forum.

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