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-   -   dating and committment among secondaries (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=54405)

gorgeouskitten 09-04-2013 05:32 PM

dating and committment among secondaries
 
So, Im posting an on going discussion Nudge and I are having (with his permission, since we both use this board) to get other peoples perspective/insight/advice.

Nudge and I have been dating since somewhere around the begining of the year, we are both married and currently not dating anyone else. Personally, after dating a little bit besides him, I want to close our part of the relationship. He hasnt dated any other 'secondaries' besides me, and wants to date a little more, potentially on going or could possible agree to close the relationship later. (If he feels like commenting he can speak for himself on this). This makes me really uneasy and nervous, I dont want any of our time taken up by additional dating, I feel we both have precious little time as it is, and I feel like our relationship is serious enough that i want to show we have some time of commitment, and to me thats closing the relationship.

SO i guess weigh in, if im being unfair...if there are other ways to feel secure about our being committed to each other...what I could try to do to be OK with him dating, cause really right now it just makes me feel awful, whether thats remnant of monogamy or thats just me, this is my prefer model right now. Me, Nudge, and our spouses and whom ever they choose to date

dingedheart 09-04-2013 06:19 PM

The whole poly Fi topic kind of cracks me up ...the same arguments that are bucked against in monogamy ....are the same put forth to advocate for poly fi. Time and attention , symbolic commitment, health risks, specialness of a partner, dilution of the 'LOVE " pool.

Quote:

" what I could try to do to be OK with him dating,'
What about the standard stuff we tell newbies ...Read books ( ethical slut ) ...listen to pod casts, my personal favorite get a hobby :D

gorgeouskitten 09-04-2013 06:24 PM

the irony is not lost on me dingedhart! ive even thought, does my husband feel this way some? (as i asked to be poly, he agreed). Despite the irony, its still how i feel. Ive read the ethical slut, and i revist the chapter of jealousy...i also didnt realize at the start of this journey id WANT polyfi. silly me i guess

GalaGirl 09-04-2013 08:00 PM

Here's how it reads to me:
  • Nudge and I have been dating since somewhere around the begining of the year, we are both married and currently not dating anyone else.
  • At this time, Nudge wants to continue to date other people. He is not willing to close.
  • At some later time down the road, Nudge said could be open to considering closing.
  • At this time, I feel we both have precious little time as it is (together.)
  • At this time, I don't want to have to think about sharing that time with other people he might date in future.
  • At this time, I would like to close the relationship and for Nudge and I to stop dating other people.
Quote:

SO i guess weigh in, if im being unfair.
To who? Each of you wants what you want at this time.

That they are not the matching, same wants? That is neither fair or unfair. That is "not matching, same wants at this time."

Could not get bogged down in evaluation of "fairness" or "unfairness."

You seem have talked it over and he's given you his response. At this time he wants to continue to date other people. At this time he is not willing to close. At some later time, he might be.

You find you still have unmet need. So asking to Close wasn't really IT was it?

Quote:

if there are other ways to feel secure about our being committed to each other...what I could try to do to be OK with him dating, cause really right now it just makes me feel awful.
Sounds like "fear of scarcity" talk like "I am afraid there will be no time left for me!"

I'd like to point out you could agree to Close and not date anyone else. Then he goes bowling every night... and you still have no guaranteed time with him.

Could focus better on your need, and then what you would like to change to help meet the need, and make the request.

I don't know if those could help you.

You need seems to be "I need to feel safe. I need to know this relationship matters to both of us."

The behavior you want from him to meet the need? Maybe you want him to set time aside guaranteed for you. To demonstrate his commitment to help maintain your shared relationship even while he dates others because your safety and your shared relationship matters to him? Seems easier to ask for that.
"Could you be willing to guarantee me a date (every week/month/whatever pattern) for the next X months? To demonstrate your commitment to help maintain our shared relationship even while you date others? So I could feel safe and secure in our own relationship and not be afraid to share your time with other people you date on other days? Because my well being and our shared relationship matter to you?"
Could see if he is willing to do that or not. Go from there.

Galagirl

Inyourendo 09-04-2013 08:07 PM

I would not personally close any of my relationships and yes, I do think it would be terribly unfair if I had a partner who was married and they wanted me (their secondary) to only see them.

nycindie 09-04-2013 08:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 226549)
He hasnt dated any other 'secondaries' besides me, and wants to date a little more, potentially on going or could possible agree to close the relationship later. (If he feels like commenting he can speak for himself on this). This makes me really uneasy and nervous, I dont want any of our time taken up by additional dating, I feel we both have precious little time as it is, and I feel like our relationship is serious enough that i want to show we have some time of commitment, and to me thats closing the relationship.

SO i guess weigh in, if im being unfair...if there are other ways to feel secure about our being committed to each other...

Yes, quite frankly, the way you put what you want makes you sound possessive, very insecure, unreasonable, and a tad immature. It is his life, not yours, and you only need to worry about YOUR relationships, not his. You've been dating for less than a year - you're still getting to know each other. He should not have to get permission from you to be in as many relationships as he can manage. If you're concerned about STIs, take whatever precautions make you feel comfortable. If you want to have a guarantee of a set amount of days or hours with him, all you can do is request it and if he wants the same thing, it will be up to him to see if he can meet your request. If you become disappointed in how he runs his relationship with you, then examine why and speak up about it. But you don't get a say in how he runs his other relationships. And dictating to him how many people he can be with isn't your place. His having other relationships does not necessarily mean you will be shortchanged in your own with him. And in reality, if you're insecure, you're insecure - nothing he does or doesn't do will help your own sense of security and esteem, etc.

Feeling secure does not have anything to do with the type or number of relationships you have - it's an inside job. You need to feel secure in yourself and not be so needy of other people to reassure you and make you feel valued.

gorgeouskitten 09-04-2013 08:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inyourendo (Post 226584)
I would not personally close any of my relationships and yes, I do think it would be terribly unfair if I had a partner who was married and they wanted me (their secondary) to only see them.

and his wife of course. but point taken. my own spouse just gave me an earful about how my feelings on this were not in fairness to Nudge, as I have dated and for all i know could want to again. He HAS committed time to me and does on a regular basis. I guess this is more about my own insecurity than our time together

GalaGirl 09-04-2013 08:28 PM

Quote:

He HAS committed time to me and does on a regular basis. I guess this is more about my own insecurity than our time together
If he ALREADY gives you guaranteed time together (I thought he didn't before in my initial reply), then I don't know what more you might want that you could ask for that he could be willing to give you at this time.

I do not know if you can change schedules to have more time together. Could you? Or are you at a limit for the time available?

Can you articulate what it is you want? What was Closing supposed to achieve/relieve you of? What is your unmet need?

Some of that "show commitment" thing can only come through the passage of time. You see/know he's committed because... he's here. Day after day. The days go 24 hrs at a time. No more, no less. Can't make them run faster.

Baffled,
Galagirl :confused:

LovingRadiance 09-05-2013 01:43 AM

Clarify please?

If you are feeling concern about losing time-I would suggest scheduling time.

If you are feeling insecure about the relationship and potential other partners-time to do some introspection on yourself.

If you are feeling uneasy dealing with "new"-face it and communicate through it-new always turns into old over time.


How to manage the issue depends entirely upon what the real issue is. Because what will help with one won't help with another.

Marcus 09-05-2013 04:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 226586)
Feeling secure does not have anything to do with the type or number of relationships you have - it's an inside job. You need to feel secure in yourself and not be so needy of other people to reassure you and make you feel valued.

Raaooowrrrr!

That's Wookie for "well said, madam, I like the cut of your jib and would fancy a pint with you at your leisure"


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