Figured I will start a journal, I have lots of feelings. Uggg I hatebring reduced to a 15 year old. I rarely meet someone that I like but when I do WHAMMO!
So here it is, my place to get it all out. More to come.....
SO last night Z was fishing a little about some play that we did the other night. Basically saying that I was thrown off by him (I wasnt) then when I said that he said he felt like I was holding something back, I tell him that #1 Im extremely open, that I have always said what was on my mind and that I like that about other people. If anything I was told previously that I was too intense and I had dialed it back a little.
I was then told that people who share too much are hiding something, again I assured him I was not. then he said that I speak over people. I concede that is true. I am a complete conversational narcissist and I will def read up on it.
I guess I feel a multitude of things regarding this.
1. I dont like him trying to "read" me. often people are wrong. I dont like being told that because I talk a lot im hiding something. I talk a lot because Im gregarious. I just hate people making assumptions about me.
2. seems really overbearing to say that to me when I didnt really feel like I was being overly dominating the conversation. I felt that there was a lot of give and take.
3. someone confronting me about my personality defects this soon into a relationship sets off red flags for me. i spent 11 years with someone who really didnt like anything about me. I really want to be with someone who loves me for me.
4. Im on the fence is this something I want to change, granted it could be a personal growth opportunity. Learning more about active listening, not interrupting would/could be good. but on the other hand i don't like having to change for someone.
5. he told me last week that when I was over visiting I was not paying enough attention to his GF (who I am trying to develop a friendship with) but I though I was giving her the appropriate amount of focus for someone I barely know and who I just met.
at this point i really feel like pulling way back. I really wanted something fun and light and I feel like it's kind of gone somewhere else. I didnt want to get into something heavy.
The way I converse with people is back and forth. they say how they are, I say how I am, they tell a story, I tell them about something that happened to me that was similar,and vice versa. I dont like to pry, i let people open up and share as they wish. Perhaps he doesnt want me sharing back? he feels that is interrupting or taking the attention away from others? I will ask him what expectations he has from me in that regard. I can be willing to alter my behavior someone around him (much like if someone is asking me not to swear around them) but I guess if it gets to the point where I feel uncomfortable I will have to move on
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