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-   -   Shift work and balance (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=54312)

amandatwopointoh 09-03-2013 08:24 PM

Shift work and balance
 
I really need some advice and I am hoping for some clarity through this forum.

Let me say that I love poly. I adore my husband and love my boyfriend so much! Poly is a wonderful way to share lives and love and friendship. When poly works, it is really wonderful!

My husband works afternoons and my boyfriend works days. I spend weeknights doing things with my boyfriend - things like getting groceries, yard maintenance and occasionally going for dinner. I spend time with my husband on weekends (also some chores and some playtime) but my boyfriend likes to do things with me as well. My husband feels like this is time I should spend with him. I try to do things with both.

Does anyone have any experience with different shifts? Through the week I alternate sleeping with my boyfriend and with my husband but on Saturday and Sunday night I sleep with my husband.

There are a few other issues we are all working out but that would be another thread entirely! lol.

AlwaysGrowing 09-04-2013 01:12 AM

Why can't you and your boyfriend do fun things during the week instead of taking some of your limited time from your hubby?

There's something very special about doing something (whether it be domestic or date) then going to bed together. You only have two days a week where that is really possible with hubby (unless you're an extreme night owl). I couldn't imagine missing out on that experience.

For the record, I'm in the same boat. Add in my work schedule and it's even weirder.

Flowerchild 09-04-2013 02:23 AM

Problem?
 
Why doesn't the hubby just spend that time with a girlfriend? Or, if he currently doesn't have another relationship, going out doing things where he might meet someone, OKC dates, whatever?

LovingRadiance 09-04-2013 04:27 AM

My DH works early morning til 3-4 in the afternoon USUALLY. Currently he's working 6 weeks at a time out of town and 2 home repeat-til December or January. LAME.

Bf works 1-2 in the afternoon til only God knows when at night.

Pretty much I always sleep in my own bed. DH and I sleep together when he's home. Occasionally I will sleep with bf-but I prefer my room and my bed.
However-I go to his room early morning and cuddle with him while he sleeps for a couple of hours.

I have class M & W mornings in another town-requiring me to be out the door by 6am. W I don't return til 1030pm.

Weekends are the whole family.

GalaGirl 09-04-2013 05:32 AM

Quote:

My husband works afternoons and my boyfriend works days. I spend weeknights doing things with my boyfriend - things like getting groceries, yard maintenance and occasionally going for dinner. I spend time with my husband on weekends (also some chores and some playtime) but my boyfriend likes to do things with me as well. My husband feels like this is time I should spend with him. I try to do things with both.
So...

Right now you spend M-F nights with BF.
Right now you spend Sa-Su split between BF and husband.

Your BF wants you to spend time with him on Sa-Su.
Your husband wants you to leave Sa-Su aside to spend time with him.
You want to spend your time on Sa-Su with both.

Those are all wants. Where are the needs?

How much time does the relationship with husband need to be healthy? Not what each of you as individuals want, but the relationship? Relationships need time/space for the relating to happen IN. Can you afford to spend the time? Can you afford NOT to?

And since the larger polyship health is made up of all the healths of the mini relationships within it ... are you willing to tend to this tier of relationship and give it the time it needs to be healthy? Both for you, DH, the relationship itself, and the harmony of the larger polyship as a whole?

You could assess your situation with your poly people and determine what the best schedule is for this fall, then assess again later to figure out the plan for winter.

FWIW, I think it is reasonable for your DH to ask for waking time to spend with just him. Sharing sleep time is nice, but you are not awake and interacting and relating while asleep.

Galagirl

Marcus 09-04-2013 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amandatwopointoh (Post 226331)
I spend time with my husband on weekends (also some chores and some playtime) but my boyfriend likes to do things with me as well. My husband feels like this is time I should spend with him. I try to do things with both.

You have multiple partners with limited time to offer who have a high desire to spend time with you. This sounds like an awesome problem to have.

Something to keep in mind, just because a partner has time available to spend with me doesn't mean they are going to spend it with me. They might spend time with friends, run errands, want some time alone, get a part time project, or whatever. If I want time with a partner I am well within my right to ask for it... if they don't want to or can't they are well within their right to tell me "no". There seems to be an assumption that these two people are entitled to splitting your available time and that is not necessarily a good thing.

If hubby wants time with you why don't you guys schedule a "hubby only" weekend slot. Is that what is being requested? Or does hubby assume that any of his free time should be filled with your attention?

amandatwopointoh 09-04-2013 01:47 PM

Well, I have so much to think about now after reading these reply's.

Thank you so much for taking the time to send me your ideas and suggestions. I truly appreciate it.

My husband (and I ) would love it if he had a girlfriend but with his schedule he does have trouble meeting people. Truth is though, if we really want it we will find a way and stop making excuses. It's about priorities.

amandatwopointoh 09-04-2013 01:52 PM

I know that because poly is fairly new to all of us (about 9 months now)and so we are having growing pains for sure. I think it is true about the point Marcus made, "There seems to be an assumption that these two people are entitled to splitting your available time and that is not necessarily a good thing." That's been difficult for me as an introvert - I crave a bit of alone time to recharge.

Its also difficult because my boyfriend is very needy and because my husband isn't much of a talker. I communicate nonstop but he has difficulty sharing his feelings. It can be frustrating at times.

LovingRadiance 09-04-2013 04:51 PM

It's a definite point of importance that you can't give anyone a healthy part of yourself if you don't take time to take care of yourself first.

I found it helpful to create a calendar and schedule FIRST my "me time".
Then go from there for scheduling everything else-including time with lilo's
(life loves)

amandatwopointoh 09-04-2013 05:14 PM

you are so right! I love the calendar idea and I would love to find a girlfriend but it's so difficult to meet people, first with his schedule and then him trying to explain that his wife is ok with it lol.


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