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-   -   Gifting a book about polyamory: good or bad idea? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=54206)

polywannacrackeryo 09-02-2013 08:43 PM

Gifting a book about polyamory: good or bad idea?
 
I'm in a V with a married couple, and all of us are new to poly. I've been reading "The Ethical Slut", and it's incredible. It's really helping me to alleviate some of my fears and insecurities. Today, while at the bookstore, I found a copy of "Open", by Jenny Block, which is written from the perspective of the married woman in a V. I bought it, thinking it would be perfect for my girlfriend. But I'm now wondering... is it presumptuous of me to think she may want/need to read this book, that is technically categorized as "self-help"?

Ariakas 09-02-2013 10:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by polywannacrackeryo (Post 226114)
I'm in a V with a married couple, and all of us are new to poly. I've been reading "The Ethical Slut", and it's incredible. It's really helping me to alleviate some of my fears and insecurities. Today, while at the bookstore, I found a copy of "Open", by Jenny Block, which is written from the perspective of the married woman in a V. I bought it, thinking it would be perfect for my girlfriend. But I'm now wondering... is it presumptuous of me to think she may want/need to read this book, that is technically categorized as "self-help"?

There is no way for us to know that. My wife and gf love books like that, don't view them as self help and just simply for outside reference. They wouldn't think I was trying to "help" them.

I know others who would make that assumption. :) Only you can answer this question imo.

opalescent 09-02-2013 11:35 PM

I've read 'Open' and it is not really a self-help book. It's an account of one woman's journey into open marriage and eventually poly. One can learn things from it of course but it's more memoir than 'how to'. I enjoyed it.

polywannacrackeryo 09-03-2013 12:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent (Post 226144)
I've read 'Open' and it is not really a self-help book. It's an account of one woman's journey into open marriage and eventually poly. One can learn things from it of course but it's more memoir than 'how to'. I enjoyed it.

Thanks a lot! I read the introduction, and I thought it would be perfect for her. Although, our relationship is really new, and I'm not sure if she feels the need to research and analyze everything like I do. Haha!

GalaGirl 09-03-2013 12:18 AM

Could return the book and change it for a bookstore gift card.

Then give it with a card telling her how much you love "Ethical Slut", were interested in "Open" and had a nice time at the store. So here's a gift card if she wants a copy of those, or any other book she might enjoy on you so she can have a nice time at the store too. Yay books!

Unless on a wishlist, I wouldn't gift self help books to people. Some people enjoy that, some do not. Seems easier to just let them pick their own reading material.

Galagirl

polywannacrackeryo 09-03-2013 12:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 226148)
Unless on a wishlist, I wouldn't gift self help books to people.

After some thinking, I'm pretty sure I agree. As the person above said, it's technically a memoir. Would that change your mind at all? I'm still undecided. Maybe I should just read it and then recommend it as something she might enjoy?

GalaGirl 09-03-2013 01:39 AM

You are undecided. "I am not sure" is not "joyous yes!" sounding to me.

And you know your partner better than any internet stranger would!

In your shoes? I'd go with gift card, tell I enjoyed looking at the poly books, I was not sure she might want one of those titles, but I wanted her to enjoy bookstore time since I had fun at the store and was thinking of her. Then give it to her and let her pick what she likes.

If your want is for BOTH read the same book, that's another question. If that is the case? Seems easier to ask.

"I'd love to read a book together so we could discuss. Are you up for that? I wanted to read (name of book.) Could you be willing?"

And then see what she says.

This doesn't have to be hard. ;)

HTH!
Galagirl

Dagferi 09-03-2013 02:28 AM

My internal reaction would be along the lines of "What the deuce?"

But I would accept it gracefully .. now if I would read it that would depend on whether there was a quiz coming in my future.

Marcus 09-03-2013 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by polywannacrackeryo (Post 226151)
After some thinking, I'm pretty sure I agree. As the person above said, it's technically a memoir. Would that change your mind at all? I'm still undecided. Maybe I should just read it and then recommend it as something she might enjoy?

Some people are sensitive and assume that a gift like that is an attack on their person. Some people are not sensitive and will take it in the spirit it was given.

Knowing this about a partner is part of building intimacy and learning who they are. Either ask them about it directly, or give them the book and ask them their thoughts directly. And I mean say it, out-loud, exactly what you said here (hell, you could read your post to them). Pussy-footing around trying to read their mind is just wasting time and energy and is not doing your relationship any good.

Give it a try, be honest, let them surprise you with their generosity of spirit.


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