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-   -   appropriate to suggest break? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=54088)

Precious1 09-01-2013 04:58 PM

appropriate to suggest break?
 
Asking for opinion...
Would you think it inappropriate to take a short break, if your partner requested that you seek employment in another state and promised to follow you, without discussing with their spouse first.. in what is percieved to be an way to force the issue if the spouse really wanted to be with your partner?

My thinking is yes. I love my partner and would be thrilled to move with him, but if he is unwilling to force communication to resolving issues in their relationship and appears to seek avoiding confrontation or rejection, he would be willing and able to do so with me as well. So I would love to step back so that focus on our time does not hinder that process (hopefully to a psotive outcome for their marriage), and/or if they are unwilling to face their issues to give me time to reconsider the relationship.


Thoughts, suggestions?

Precious1 09-01-2013 05:08 PM

Clarification... I asked him if there was any truth to my perception that by moving without taking her into consideration or discussing first, that as she would be unlikely to follow him, he would then be guilt free as she would be the one to verbally call an end their relationship.
His response was that he guesses he really wants to know if she actually wants to be with him.

bookbug 09-01-2013 05:25 PM

Seems like something they could discuss honestly without all the game playing.

I understand your desire to step back, given that whatever occurs in their relationship is likely to affect yours. Seems a reasonable safety measure.

I notice in your signature that your metamour has many partners while your partner has his wife and you. It made me wonder if he is happily poly or is this something he did for his wife?

Marcus 09-03-2013 04:55 PM

Let me see if I'm following you.

You got a job offer in a different state.
Sunshine says, "You should take it, I'll move out there with you"
Sunshine also tells you that they aren't planning on discussing it with S, and instead is setting up a "trap" to see if S "really loves" them and follows the two of you out of state.
You are considering a temporary breakup with Sunshine because you feel that this game playing with S reflects poorly on Sunshine's character and/or so that you can prompt them to work on their relationship.
You want to know if other people would consider this grounds for you temporarily breaking up with Sunshine.

Did I get it?

Deciding for someone else how they need to handle their relationships is always going to be dangerous and should be avoided. If your motivation is to not get involved further with someone who you do not respect then it would make sense for you to "take a break". If your motivation is to force/prompt them to work on their relationship in the way you see fit... I would say you need to mind your own business.

Ariakas 09-03-2013 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Precious1 (Post 225849)
My thinking is yes. I love my partner and would be thrilled to move with him, but if he is unwilling to force communication to resolving issues in their relationship and appears to seek avoiding confrontation or rejection, he would be willing and able to do so with me as well. So I would love to step back so that focus on our time does not hinder that process (hopefully to a psotive outcome for their marriage), and/or if they are unwilling to face their issues to give me time to reconsider the relationship.


Thoughts, suggestions?

Yes.. In the scheme of things you always need to be true to yourself first. If this makes you uncomfortable.. then you need to step away. Whether temporarily or on a more long term basis.

Best of luck

Precious1 09-03-2013 05:24 PM

[QUOTE=Marcus;226285]Let me see if I'm following you.

You got a job offer in a different state.
Sunshine says, "You should take it, I'll move out there with you"
/QUOTE]

Close, no job offer. He asked me if i would look for one out of state. I still have good knowledge of the area and connections in my field where I lived while my ex and i were in the miltary.

Thanks for all the perspectives. I take them all to heart.
For the moment I am taking a step back to assess my needs in this relationship, and while I do that, if he wishes to address the issues in his marriage it is his call, but I will still take them and his willingness to face them (or not) into consideration in regards to ours. We do have a counselor lined up to assist us in clarifying our needs to each other.

Marcus 09-03-2013 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Precious1 (Post 226294)
Close, no job offer. He asked me if i would look for one out of state. I still have good knowledge of the area and connections in my field where I lived while my ex and i were in the miltary.

So there is no provocation for moving out of state other than Sunshines desire to put S in a position to have to "prove up"? That's going to pretty great lengths just to play a head game; a very strange suggestion indeed.

In that case, I think you are correct to have reservations about how deep you want to get into it with Sunshine.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Precious1 (Post 226294)
For the moment I am taking a step back to assess my needs in this relationship, and while I do that, if he wishes to address the issues in his marriage it is his call, but I will still take them and his willingness to face them (or not) into consideration in regards to ours. We do have a counselor lined up to assist us in clarifying our needs to each other.

Sounds like a good approach. I'd definitely try to keep my hands out of that pie and let the cooks in charge take care of it.

opalescent 09-03-2013 07:15 PM

Other folks have made pretty much the same points I would have.

I do wonder, if he is willing to play such games - and games is a misnomer ad this is not playful at all - with his spouse, what 'games' will he play on you?

GalaGirl 09-05-2013 01:41 PM

I'm with Marcus and Opalescent.

This smells weird. Be careful.

Galagirl

Vixtoria 09-06-2013 03:20 PM

Just wanted to say, while no I don't think partners need to basically 'dump' or push aside other relationships to work on the one in trouble, I dont' see anything wrong with taking more time with the relationship that needs a little help. Not as a way to shore things up but to actually work on things.

For example, if hubby and I are feeling disconnected, or having issues with things that have happened in the relationship in the past and how we dealt with it, then we deal with it. We decide to do things together to reconnect. We schedule a movie night, we sit and talk about things to work out. We read a book together, even took quizzes together on finding out our love language, or apology language. Things to help OUR relationship. I didn't need to pull back from my boyfriend to do that, simply tell him, "Oh yeah hubby and I have a date night this Wed."

It's a difference in telling boyfriend that I need to take space from him so I can work on problems with hubby, (which honestly isn't anyone's BIZNAZZZ but ours), and taking the time to schedule what time and things I need for each relationship.

So maybe it's your wording. You want to take time to work on a relationship that could be having trouble? Okay do that. You want to penalize other relationships for it? Um, why? That's like punishing the cat for the dog getting into the garbage! (bad example but I cringe at the multi kid ones used for poly.)


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