Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love
I've tried to start a blog here quite a few times, but always get distracted before hitting submit. Hopefully by beginning with a bit of cut and paste from my already existing threads, I can at least get the first entry here off into the ether, finally!
My husband and I started talking about opening up our marriage at the beginning of July, after about 8 years of being together as a mono couple.
I was married once before for almost 10 years, and it ended in divorce for many reasons, but one being that my ex-husband was happy with having sex once a month, and I wasn't.
My husband now is happy with sex about once a week, but my drive has always been much stronger - I would prefer once a day, or more, if I could stop chaffing. :) Over the years, we've struggled with our mismatched needs and he has been very accommodating with both helping me masturbate and trying to increase his libido to keep up with me. When we do have sex, he is giving and caring and very attentive to my every need - the only complaint I have is the quantity, not the quality.
I have never wanted my husband to feel inadequate or that there is something wrong with him. I actually see it as more as a deficit within myself, to be honest. I've done a lot of reading about sex addictions and nymphos, but I don't believe I am at that level of horny. Lol i'm not addicted to porn or cheating. However, I was able to recognize in my first marriage that once a month was woefully inadequate for my needs. So this has been an issue from the very start of our marriage together - my husband knew that I need some sort of sexual release once a day, and we've worked really hard on communicating about how this effects our relationship. It has really put a strain on us in some ways because sometimes I feel he is just going through the motions, to make sure I'm happy. I don't want pity sex. That isn't sexy, or satisfying to me. We have had tons of talks about this, for years.
So, to sum all that backstory up, right now he is wanting to remain mono, himself, and has been feeling lots of compersion as I move forward as being poly. Neither of us is bi, and we aren't interested in 3somes or swinging. Though I am continuing to encourage my husband to think about it, he so far is ok with being mono.
I started out trying to put together a relationship with a mutual single guy friend of ours, which lasted a couple of weeks and was, quite frankly, torturous for me emotionally. This guy was extremely mono, and was all over the place with his feelings for me. In the end, he told me he was never really attracted to me at all and though I don't believe that - he did some damage to my self esteem while we were together.
Regrouping from that, I put up a profile on okcupid and then went on two dates with a guy, B, who was single and said he was open to poly. I enjoyed going out with him, but I cut him off soon after meeting M, who is my current boyfriend.
M was interesting right from the beginning - I noticed he had visited my profile on OKC, but unlike other guys, he didn't message me. So, I looked at his profile and was surprised to see that not only was he nearby, but he was poly as well. I didn't go any farther with him though, as I didn't think his pictures were all that attractive, frankly, and at that point I was really overwhelmed with all of the emails I was receiving.
Anyway, M visited my profile a few more times, and each time I would go and look at his. We had an 88% match, but what I found funny was that I matched 95% with his wife, who also had a profile on OKC. I decided that I would rate him 4 stars so I would remember who he was, in case he ever wrote to me. That did it - he wrote to me soon after.
That one message turned into over 60 within a week's time, and I finally told him that if he wanted to ever have a chance of making it work, we would have to meet soon, since I was planning on seeing a couple of other guys in that time frame. So, we did - we had lunch and then walked a bit over to a frozen yogurt shop nearby.
I didn't feel lightning hit, but he was a great conversationalist and just as interesting as he was over email. I definitely thought he was more attractive in person, too. :) anyway, I decided I would be willing to see him again if he asked - and he did; that same evening I received an email. We decided to meet at a local park the next day, and that's when I was slammed with my first dose of NRE.
Apparently, he had felt the same, but didn't read anything from me, but I set him straight on that score over email. We set up a 3rd date the next week, and he proposed that we shut off our OKC accounts and see each other exclusively. I was fine with this, as I was sick of sorting through messages from cheating middle-aged men who just wanted to fuck me for fun! (In the end, I deactivated my account, but he just changed his status as not looking - he needed to keep his profile up since it is linked to his wife, who is still open to other relationships.) M gave me a kiss goodbye after our third date, and lightning was definitely surging through both of us at that point!
Since then, we've had several more day-long dates, and he has met my husband, and I have met his wife. We both went to get STD tests last week, and we are now waiting for the all-clear so we can move on to a sexual relationship. I have been even more horny due to the NRE I've been feeling, and I am not normally a patient person!
I should have my results back on Tuesday, and I am very stressed about them. I have been both a blood and platelets donor for several years, so I am confident I don't have AIDS, but seeing as how I have never had tests before, I have a fear I might be harboring something that could be a deal breaker. Truthfully, I have never had any symptoms of anything, but it is stilly scary! M was last tested about 20 years ago, which is when he married his wife, so he is nervous too.
I guess I should explain a bit about M's poly practices - he has only had one other relationship while married to his wife, and that was last year. It lasted 2 months and wasn't sexual. His wife is bi, and has had many relationships over the last 6 years, but none of them unprotected and almost all of them more emotional than physical.
So that is where I am right now - head over heals with NRE and awaiting STD test results.
One thing that has come out of my relationship with M already, is an issue that my husband and I really never paid attention to in our own marriage. I have a difficult time accepting compliments. This seems silly, right? Well, my husband has done an excellent job over the years, either by not saying anything at all, or by phrasing things in such a way so I dont't freak out. M didn't know to do this.
I told him on the second date to please not say things like, "You look nice today," or "I love your hair." He toned himself down a little, but by the fourth date he was becoming sarcastic instead, saying things like, "Oh, your arms are the most hideous things I've ever seen." I had to tell him that his voice was exactly matching my inner monologue and he had to stop immediately. So he did, thank goodness. He had thought I was joking, but I wasn't.
This was amazing to me, to go home and think about. My inner voice is absolutely awful! My husband had been circumventing me from triggering for years, so neither of us had addressed the issue. So, now I am! I had been using a program called SuperBetter to work on anxiety I get when dealing with extended family drama, so I switched my epic win there to address handing compliments.
So far, so good. Seriously though, I was a wreck the first night I attempted to fix things. All I had to do was say, "Thank You" when my husband said, "You're beautiful." Instead, I choked up and cried for a while. I've gotten much better, but it still sucks. I can't figure out why this is so difficult - it only happens with generalized comments directed toward my physical appearance. Complimenting what I am wearing, or something I did - no problem. But you better say, "Your ankles are skinny and trim," and not "Your legs are sexy." If the person is specific, I am ok, but general compliments send me into a tailspin.
My first response when hearing a general compliment is to immediately frown and shut down. My mind processes what has been said as a lie or that I am being made fun of at that moment. Freak, right? Ugh. My husband said it is an amazing thing to watch - how instantaneously I go from happy to upset.
So, I'm working on it. Thanks polyamory - without changing my relationships, I might never had known I had this gigantic issue to work on! I am hoping it doesn't take long - I think I've improved a lot since I've started focusing on it. M has been out of town the last 4 days, so he hasn't been involved with my progress - just my husband and I have been working on things.
I just felt jealousy toward my metamour for the first time today. M is returning from a 4 day trip away, and his wife left him a message in a mostly private online account (an app that the 3 of us share with a couple other friends), saying she can't wait to see him, and she'll be making him something special for his birthday dinner tomorrow night. Also that the repairs to their house will be complete then, and it'll be great to have time together in the bedroom.
So much jealousy right now. I am trying to experience it fully - to understand it.
Today is M's birthday, and he should be getting home right about now. I haven't seen him in almost a week, and I wish I could see him at this moment. I am happy that his wife can instead - he deserves to be welcomed home with excitement and love. Not jealous of that. I mean, I wish I was there, but I don't feel jealousy. Mostly because I get to spend the entire day with him tomorrow - I can't wait!
I bought him and made him a small grouping of gifts, which I am fairly certain he will love. So I am looking forward with happiness to gifting the presents to him tomorrow. I hadn't thought about him getting things from anyone else, but duh! So that jealousy is easily pushed away and turned to compersion. How awesome that he is going to get many things from people who care about him. I am now wondering what she got for him to eat tomorrow? I don't know a whole lot about what foods he likes to eat, other than seafood, because neither his wife nor I care for it, which he complains about. :) he eats lots of roast beef and burgers when we are out, but other than that, I am curious to learn what he enjoys to eat.
No, the big jealousy that reared its head is the implied sex part. I know they have not been intimate for a couple of weeks, and I am SO looking forward to having the STD test results back on Tuesday, so M and I can finally be together when I see him again and he stays overnight on Thursday for the first time. To think that she has the opportunity to be with him when I can't - it bothers me a bit. No, a lot. Worse is that I think my period will be here then, so I still won't get what I have been waiting for. So I am having trouble being happy about her sexing him up when that's what I can't stop thinking about ME doing right now.
This is a new feeling for me. I can't say that I like it.
I just talked all this through with my husband and I amused him. Now I feel amused. What a strange trip this poly thing is! Never have I had to think about a partner in this way before. My jealousy is lessened a bit just talking it out, and writing about it too. It isn't a terrible feeling, though it did take my breath away in the first instant that I felt it, because I was surprised by the initial intensity and unexpected shock of it.
just a thought.. I understand your jealousy completely. This might be a good time (so early into the relationship) to think about how much you want to share with partner/metamour and how much you want them to share with you?
People in poly relationships have very different views about what to share. Me personally, I would never want to read a private communication like the one you mentioned between your bf and his wife. You could think about what feels right for you and communicate this to your partners..
Love reading about your NRE :)
Hope you have a great date with him and that he will love your gifts!
Yeah, I am going to talk to him about it today. I feel kinda bad, because the only way I can not read those messages is if I stop participating in this group app with them. However, I might have to do that to keep on an even keel.
Today I can think about them being together and be perfectly fine with it, but to read about it unexpectedly was a little too much last night.
I am extremely excited to see M this morning. I have to leave in an hour. I am waiting for my hair to dry a bit more before hitting it with the straightening iron. Right now my hair is terrible - I need a new dye job and a cut in the worst way. It is completely fried from over processing, so I can't do anything until mid-September. I am tired of looking at it and feeling stressed. That said, I am looking pretty awesome today - I am wearing my favorite boobalicious dress! It is very colorful and I painted my toenails hot pink to match yesterday. My confidence is fairly high.
I have major chemical burn in my cleavage though - stupid zit cream! I put a dot on a pimple there yesterday morning and sure as shit, the entire area is red. Thank goodness it is deep enough down that when you look at me, you can't see that I look like I have the plague - even with this dress. I have to find a better way of zapping cleavage pimples. It's not like I get them a lot, but dammit, when I do, the cream always gives me irritation for 48 hours.
I asked my husband a moment ago if I looked okay for my day-date, if there was anything about me he would change. Without missing a beat, he replied,"Your insecurity." I love this man completely!
Yesterday was a wonderful day and M loved all his presents. A very, very good date and time spent just being together. I told him about my squirm of jealousy and he seemed to take it in stride.
However, I guess he and his wife were up til 2 am last night "discussing" things. She messaged me this morning wanting to set up a time this week or next to get together to make sure we are all on the same page with logistics and stuff. I said ok, and we proceeded to do that. Then I messaged with M, and almost immediately started to feel very boxed in. He said that his wife was feeling like we were moving too fast for her, and she wants to have a firm schedule of when we are together - no more than two days a week and overnights once every couple weeks.
Unfortunately, I am not sure if I can handle those sorts of limitations. That's not how I do relationships - I like to have things scheduled, but I also want my relationships to be more organic. I cannot be shoved into behaving and feeling a certain way to make someone else feel more comfortable about me. I am definitely not about to have sex on demand like a booty call. I want polyfi and can't emotionally handle being told I can't have sex with someone because it isn't scheduled.
I think the main issue is how M's wife does poly. She is more into poly piles and polycules and everyone just snuggling and being supportive as a large group. That is not me and will never be me. That is also not M. He is happy with the way our time is being spent right now, and as far as I can tell, he is allotting it in a way that doesn't affect his wife at all. She works all day, and he sees me while she is gone. Being with me does not affect their togetherness time one bit. We live about 40 minutes from each other, so I can't see him more than 3 times a week at the moment, so to talk about pulling back is ridiculous, in my opinion.
But I guess she is having issues with handling that he wants polyfi very badly with me, and she was expecting it more closely follow the type of poly she is used to doing?
I really, really care for M - more than I expected to at this point - and I am not really caring if it is just NRE or love or whatever. All I know is that I need to feel connected on a regular basis, and if his wife cannot handle that, then I am going to have to pull back and reassess if this relationship is viable. I want it to be, and he wants it to be, so I really hope we can work things out.
I am feeling really sad and anxious right at this moment, because I now feel as if I cant trust this to be a firm footing for me. But I also am kinda positive, which sounds like a major contradiction when reading it, and even worse when living it! M told me this morning that he cares about me tons and used the L word. I think he is fairly anxious about his wife, but he says with us he is calm and not anxious at all because we are evolving in a way that feels natural to him. He does not want a scheduled sex time and dates that need prior approval either.
So we will see, I suppose. I am mixed up and I am going to carve out time today to see if I can write a clear expectation of what I need and what I want.
Oh, and I called my doctor about the STD results. I guess the cultures are in and so are the blood tests, but the doctor hasn't written a "results document" yet and so I won't know until that is done, which might not be until tomorrow. Don't need that stress, but it is what it is.
I use a program and app called SuperBetter to help me work on major life issues. Over the last few years, I have been completing quests and giving myself power-ups to meet my goals. :) One of those quests was to ask people what they think about me - how I sparkle and why I rock. These are some of the responses:
I admire that you are so outgoing. You're never afraid to talk to total strangers. Because you are so open and honest with everyone, they feel comfortable being open and honest with you.
You give love generously.
You've already made such a difference in my life and motivated me to better myself in ways I never thought I could or would.
You look at things from a fair and mature viewpoint & give value to people who may not think they have it themselves.
You care about, root for (and assist) the underdog. You shine the whole time they are "giving it their all" and mega-shine when they succeed!
You smile with your eyes as well as your mouth. Your eyes are so expressive! I think they work that way because you're so passionate about everything that your emotion fills you right up to the top. They say that that the eyes are the gateways to the soul. I think they were talking about you!
Even when you speak of your inabilities and limitations you do so with an odd combination of graceful introspection and a heart felt smile.
Holy crap, right?! After compiling these for yet another quest - there was no way I couldn't smile and feel good about myself.
So, I got my STD test results back and I hit positive for BV. I was pretty shocked, because the last time I had unprotected sex was over 20 years ago. The doctor told me it actually always isn't an STD, but that women can get it other ways. I have had zero symptoms, so I guess that is good. I have an antibiotic to take for a week, and then I am good to go. Which works out wonderfully, because M is scheduled to get his results back next Wednesday. He asked me to go with him, since he is anxious. I am going to do that, of course. I told him about my test results, and he seemed ok about them. I was nervous that he would be freaked out, but he seemed ok about it. I told him I got the printouts showing I was negative on all the really scary stuff, but he said he didn't feel he needed to see them - he trusts me. I told him he could frame all 6 pages if he wanted, I didn't care!
I messaged with M's wife, H, a lot yesterday and I think we talked through most of the issues she was having. She was concerned because tomorrow M is coming for his first overnight at my place. ( I am still on my period, we don't have his test results back yet, and now I have to take this antibiotic for a week, so we are just going to snuggle.) What she said was that she was worried about drama because my husband will be home, and in the spare bedroom. When I explained that my husband had suggested he use the spare room and that we had talked it out thoroughly, I think that allayed some of her concerns. I have zero thought that my husband will have drama about anything. If he becomes uncomfortable, he is very good about letting me know!
Right now, in spite of the positive diagnosis, I am a very happy person. I am really looking forward to seeing M tomorrow and having him over to my house. We are getting together because my husband and I are hosting a Star Wars Trivial Pursuit game with a group of friends, along with dinner. These peeps all know I am poly, so it should all be ok there. This will be the first time that I am hosting an event with both my hubby and boyfriend present! I am not worried about that though. Mostly I am focused on cleaning, and getting things ready for the dinner.
The game is prep for an area trivia contest taking place this weekend, where all of us are going to compete as a team. The prizes are all Star Wars related, so it should be a blast! It feels nice that M and I share this nerdy interest!
Today is a wonderful morning! I am filled with joy at the thought of spending the afternoon and all night with M, as well as a good portion of the day tomorrow. I really just wanna grab him and kiss him - oh NRE! It feels so exhilarating! My heart is so happy. Squeeee!
I think tonight is going to be so sensually torturous, being close but not as close as we'd like to be. I think a lot of the reason I am so wound up is because sex is completely off the table for us right now. It feels fun, in a way. I am not normally a patient person, but for some reason (NRE!!) I am not annoyed by having to wait to fuck M silly.
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