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-   -   At a cross roads. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=54022)

Dagferi 08-31-2013 03:51 PM

At a cross roads.
 
Unfortunately I think I have come to a huge cross roads in my marriage.

My husband honestly I thinks goes along with my relationship with Murf. Because he knows there kind of no choice on my end. I am who I am. At first he thought he could manipulate the situation to meet his wants. Intimacy comes with a price with him. He is heavily into BDSM and honestly I can not partake. It creeps me out makes me feel dirty and etc. I have given him the freedom to pursue an outlet but he doesn't . He actually there for a while wanted ME to find him play partners. ummmm no I am not your pump.

When I first started seeing Murf my husband would demand I come home and play with him. I tried I do not like seeing him miserable . I was the one who was miserable. I couldn't and can't do it.

For 13 years I have explained I can not get into his fetishes. I know that it is apart of him and he can't change that. He says he understands says he will stop asking me for things i can not give him but then keeps right on asking anyway. He can't make love to me without trying to throw in some kink somewhere.

He has pushed me to the point where I do not want him to touch me. Even normal conversation gets twisted to talk about one of his wants. For example I have been feeling sicker than a dog since yesterday . This morning he brings up needing to discuss what I would be willing to do play wise. Really that is the last thing on my mind. I was trying to tame my stomach and guts.

I think some couples therapy maybe in order. Unfortunately finding a poly or sex positive counseling may be extremely difficult. I am not willing to give up my other relationship. Murf honestly brings me peace.

Dagferi 08-31-2013 03:55 PM

Sorry posting from my smart phone. It makes scrolling to write long posts a bitch.

GalaGirl 08-31-2013 03:56 PM

I'm sorry. :(

At this point in time what are you wanting to do with the counseling? Try to return to right relationship in the marriage or try to arrive at how to disband the marriage peacefully? Something else?

Where are you at with it?

GG

Dagferi 08-31-2013 04:14 PM

I am not sure...

I love my husband. He is a wonderful man and father.. But we are incompatible in one huge area. I don't like hurting him. I am tired of hurting.

He can't change who he is nor should he have.

GalaGirl 08-31-2013 06:48 PM

I note you say he's a wonderful man and father. But you don't say wonderful husband and lover.

I also note you say you are tired of hurting.

Maybe it is time to be done? And be friends? :(

Hopefully counseling can help you organize your thoughts, assess, and decide where you want to go with it then.

Hang in there!

Galagirl

Delphinius 08-31-2013 10:21 PM

other options for Butch?
 
Dagferi, someone unearthed a thread from a year ago with you talking about this same challenge so can only imagine how long you've been hurting:(

Could you please remind us why Butch won't get the BDSM needs/wants met elsewhere? Think you said once because he's so loyal or mono or something but he's loosing his marriage!:confused: Like you said he deserves to have those needs met.

Maybe he doesn't know how to go about exploring those needs outside marriage? Maybe he's afraid of a big or love connection with someone who can fulfill those needs which he feels might jeopardize the marriage? Or???

There's a podcast "polyamory weekly" by Cunning Mix who talks about using a 'pro' as being a way to safely meet needs like that (if you've got the extra cash). Less likely to make attachments that way.

Or in Seattle there's a place called the Center for Sex Positive Culture with tons of events every month catering to different kink/BDSM proclivities. It somehow managed to take all the usual urban underground kink societies and get them all together in one place. Perhaps he can contact them to see if they have any leads in PA and/or explore some of those underground communities that most urban areas have (and several rural as well, I'd imagine).

There are so many options & with the net 'findable' options. Maybe a counselor or the realization that he's going to lose his marriage if he doesn't explore some other options may help him finally hear and understand that you can't fulfill those needs/wants?

Dagferi 08-31-2013 10:42 PM

The struggles with the BDSM issue between us have come up for 12 yrs. I actually broke things off with him while dating over it. He swore up and down that he doesn't need it. Yet he does. And there is nothing wrong with that. I just can not give him that without dying a little bit inside overtime.

He is on Fetlife. He joined a local kink group. But he feels he is mono. He was involved with a couple but they were all about getting their wants met. He was treated as an after thought. He even explored finding a like minded girlfriend. As others have pointed out finding open minded women is not easy. Plus he hated the whole dating process.

Unfortunately we live in BE Pennsylvania. Not much of anything up here in the Coal hills.

Just had a rough conversation with him.

gorgeouskitten 09-01-2013 12:25 AM

Hey dag, so sorry that stinks :/ I have a great poly therapist in New England, I can ask her if she knows how to find one in PA

Delphinius 09-01-2013 12:59 AM

Must be so hard for both you & he, I'm so sorry:(

He loved you so much he felt he could get along without it and like you said there's nothing wrong with him needing it and same with you not being able to go there.

You've tried to be GGG as Dan Savage advocates AND you've given him the option to explore ways to get that need filled. SO brutal that with all those giving and loving acts he's still not able to find a way to make it work:(

I should've known if GalaGirl is suggesting it might be time to be over that it may well be: she's so intuitive and never one to suggest people break up so quickly like some other well intended forum advice givers advise.

You both deserve peace not pain. Feeling for you both! So hard! Been there, bought the T-shirt.... I do hope he'll find a way to be honest with himself. And you; keep standing up for yourself! Thinking of you.

Delphinius 09-01-2013 01:05 AM

....and yeah, well if he feels he's mono than he's got to live up to his "swearing" he doesn't need it from you.

I wouldn't want sexy times/touch from him either if he kept trying to push limits. If he needs it and he's mono.... time to find someone sexually compatible.

OH!! but he doesn't like the whole dating thing! He's not alone in that but unless he gets his act together ironically that's where he'll be ANYWAY!!!


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