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-   -   Opening up... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=54019)

NewHusband 08-31-2013 02:27 PM

Opening up...
 
Six months ago my wife and I were fighting all the time and headed for divorce. After some counseling and work on both our parts we began to work through some past hurts and problems we have had for 5+ years. Three months ago my wife and I sat down for a long talk and worked out some big issues. As part of that conversation we opened our marriage and started down the road to something new. By the way, she also told me that she is bi and has been hiding it most of her life.

All that to say, hi. I'm new here and looking for advice and new friends to talk to. People who understand where I am in life and what I'm going through. Feel free to say hello, especially if you are in the Seattle area.

bookbug 09-01-2013 03:03 AM

Welcome!

It's my understanding that Seattle is a particularly poly-friendly area. :)

gorgeouskitten 09-09-2013 08:09 PM

what kind of advice are you looking for?

RainyGrlJenny 09-09-2013 08:54 PM

Welcome!

Seattle has a poly meetup group: http://www.meetup.com/Seattle-Polyamory/

And I think the poly potluck still happens at the Center for Sex Positive Culture: http://thecspc.org/

Disclaimer - I haven't been involved in either of these for years, but attended both when I first started out and people were very helpful. :)

My only advice at this point is that if you're only 6 months out from big relationship problems, go very very slowly and make sure the existing relationship is truly healthy before you start adding more people to the mix.

Good luck! :)

NewHusband 09-10-2013 01:57 AM

I don't have anything specific I'm looking for advice on at this point, just general pointers. Maybe some insight that comes from wisdom.
Maybe a little more info will help people know how to advise me.

1 until May of this year I had no ideamy wife was bi, that she wanted to have sex with other people and the real depth of problems we had had in our past.

2 my wife already has another man in her life. We talked about him and while it doesn't bother me that she hangs out with him or talks to him. My biggest hang up is that after talking about it all and agreeing that she won't have sex with him till we have worked out a lot more things he seems to be waiting in the wings for me to be ok with it all and she seems just fine waiting till I'm ok, but on the same hand is simply waiting to have sex with him. She asides me that its only about and and having fun, but its really hard for me to let that go and not freak out about it.

3 sex is a big deal for me and not hardly at all for her. Finding something that works for both of us is hard. I feel like I end up waiting for her to be ready a lot and just never being sure how things are going to go or when we might next have sex. I'm finding it very hard to branch out and find people to talk to or be more than just casual friends with, while she has a fairly sizable group of females that are bi and poly to talk to and basically everything besides meeting up to have sex.

Both of us come from complicated family situations and both of us have grown up in sheltered and oppressive families. We are both working on our own issues and working through some issues that we got into when we were first married. I fully realize we need to take it slow, but I would also love some insight and guidance along the way. Thanks in advance everybody.

LovingRadiance 09-10-2013 02:20 AM

morethantwo.com
check out the golden nuggets page on here

read through some of the blogs-lots of real life info there

check out the "general poly' page-lots of info there

go meet some people in Seattle-BIG group there. Several actually-and if you link in with someone they should be able to direct you to the private facebook group for the area as well.

http://hub.yourtakeonromance.com/hub/polyring?rd=n
http://www.meetup.com/Seattle-Polyamory/
http://www.meetup.com/Seattle-Poly-Professionals/
http://polyweekly.com/resources/seattle-poly-resources/

gorgeouskitten 09-10-2013 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NewHusband (Post 227587)
3 sex is a big deal for me and not hardly at all for her. Finding something that works for both of us is hard. I feel like I end up waiting for her to be ready a lot and just never being sure how things are going to go or when we might next have sex. I'm finding it very hard to branch out and find people to talk to or be more than just casual friends with, while she has a fairly sizable group of females that are bi and poly to talk to and basically everything besides meeting up to have sex.

.

I find this interesting. What are you guys looking for in poly? I am a very sexual person and enjoy being with both nudge and j...will it be bothersome to you if you get less sex than you like from your wife, but she is with other people? though i guess the flip side of that is that you'll be with other people too

NewHusband 09-10-2013 09:57 PM

I'm not sure exactly where I am on the mono/poly spectrum, but she has never been fulfilled with just one person in any aspect of life. After talking we agreed to open up and grow together.
Sexually speaking we are kinda mismatched. I would love to be having sex about 3-4 times a week, most ever week and feel secure knowing it was going to happen. In contrast she likes to wing it and just see day to day. Some weeks she's wanting to go like three days in a row and other weeks we done have sex at all. On top of that she doesn't know or have any way to let me know if its even on the table day to day, much less days ahead.
Saying all that, yes, I would be really pissed if she was having sex with somebody new and neglecting me. I'm finding it really hard to find anybody new to talk to, hang out with or start a relationship with.

gorgeouskitten 09-11-2013 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NewHusband (Post 227805)
I'm not sure exactly where I am on the mono/poly spectrum, but she has never been fulfilled with just one person in any aspect of life. After talking we agreed to open up and grow together.
Sexually speaking we are kinda mismatched. I would love to be having sex about 3-4 times a week, most ever week and feel secure knowing it was going to happen. In contrast she likes to wing it and just see day to day. Some weeks she's wanting to go like three days in a row and other weeks we done have sex at all. On top of that she doesn't know or have any way to let me know if its even on the table day to day, much less days ahead.
Saying all that, yes, I would be really pissed if she was having sex with somebody new and neglecting me. I'm finding it really hard to find anybody new to talk to, hang out with or start a relationship with.

Id suggest doing some readign and research and try to figure out what you want, do you want sex (swinging), relationships with or without sex (poly), etc? And make sure she knows you'll be pissed about the sex thing ;) There are always speed bumps, but conversation can avoid some of them

Anneintherain 09-12-2013 12:06 AM

I'd second RainyGrlJenny - my husband has been to a couple of the meetups through there (there are other meetups, a new one in North Seattle I think, some people living in the South end do some stuff too), and we went to one potluck at the CSPC. Not sure if you're an introvert or extrovert - I did not like the potluck, I'm pretty shy, I think the meetups would be fine even for me solo though. He came out of them with an invite to a board game group and met some nice people with similar interests. I do believe that networking and making friends is most useful for finding people to talk to/ask advice from as well as date, and it seems kinda vital here in the Seattle area.

I'm always open to answering questions or whatnot about poly too - feel free to PM me if you have any random shit to ask about anything :rolleyes:


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