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-   -   Is poly better for women than men? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=53967)

zampana 08-30-2013 09:01 PM

Is poly better for women than men?
 
Okay, this will be my intro to the forum as well as my first question.

We are sort-of new to the poly life, at least in terms of a defined choice. My partner and I have been trad-mono married for almost 20 years. We rushed into marriage so we could be together (she was from another country and back then you could only stay together if you married). She's always been poly at heart, has had many past relationships and has always been amazing about staying in touch with old boyfriends. Over the years she's grown close to a number of men, but never consumated the relationships physically, because she loved me and didn't want to break the vows/my heart.

I also have a lot of poly, have always loved many women, but had much less experience than her when we married and made a firm commitment to being monogamous and not putting myself in "dangerous" situations. Over the years I cut myself off from women and even many of my close guy friends. I suppose I didn't trust myself if I was out there. There were a couple close calls, but I also was "faithful" sexually if not in my heart.

We came out to each other fully and completely a few months ago. It's been wonderful for us, as our marriage had stagnated and had come close to ending. We're having a new honeymoon and are happier than we've been since we first met.

My partner has already met and started a relationship with one man, and is slowly nurturing a friendship that's meant a lot to her and grow to more (once the reigns were loosened, she just went crazy!). Both men are out of town now, unfortunately for her, so she's keen to meet someone else. She has a glow about her, and is finding men coming at her from all angles. It's beautiful to see her blossom again, and she is absolutely gorgeous. Very very deeply in love!

I had a lovely one night with a beautiful woman who then quickly pulled away. Ever since I've struggled meeting people. Any women I do meet seem to run the other way when they find out I'm already in one committed relationship. For sure, I'm meeting the wrong women, but it seems as if the majority of women I meet are convinced monogamy is the only way. The pool seems very shallow (Vancouver, notoriously hard to meet people here!)

I've struggled with jealousy over the years, but I'm committed to this new way, because it's right for me and her and us, so I'm working on it. I know in the long run things will work out, as long as I can get my own life going. My partner will have no problems -- as mentioned, she's lovely and beautiful and has a many-year head start on me in terms of social networks and a life outside our relationship.

But I can't help but wonder if poly ultimately works better for women than men? Many, many men love the idea of a relationship to someone who won't ask them to move in and have babies, who just wants to have a good time and who will be fine with them continuing to see other people.

Maybe it's just the women I've been meeting, but I find the opposite to be true - most women, if they're available and looking, seem to want to know that there's a commitment, that the man they're going to invest in will be willing to take it to the next level or whatever. I don't know. Maybe I'm just impatient? But her out there and having the time of my life and me at home trying to figure out how to progress my own trip is pushing very deep painful buttons.

Does this resonate with anyone or is it just my current circumstances/world view? Is it just me? Am I being impatient? Maybe I'm trying to hard. Maybe the universe wants me to be alone for the first stage of this so that I can fully deal with my envy and jealous and not hide from it in another relationship?

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!

PolyinPractice 08-30-2013 09:19 PM

Easier?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by zampana (Post 225499)
Any women I do meet seem to run the other way when they find out I'm already in one committed relationship.

Maybe it's just the women I've been meeting, but I find the opposite to be true - most women, if they're available and looking, seem to want to know that there's a commitment, that the man they're going to invest in will be willing to take it to the next level or whatever.

Stereotypically, women can have an easier time of it then men, as men are looking for less commitment. But, speaking as a polyamorous female, if you approached me with that attitude (What, you want a COMMITMENT from me? A next level? You want this to actually mean something?), I'd be very turned off.

On the other hand, if you want a less intense relationship with a woman who doesn't have expectations of the relationship going anywhere, you can try the swinging community, though ratio of men to women tends to not be in your favor.

bookbug 08-30-2013 09:28 PM

Have you tried okcupid? You can post a profile and state that you are poly, so no conversation is started with the assumption that everyone is monogamous. And it has a keyword search feature that you can utilize to find other poly people.

Ariakas 08-31-2013 01:58 AM

No.. simple answer. It does depend on your metrics but I'm general poly is pretty gender blind.

The male difficulty of finding dates is no different than in monogamy. My gfs always had an easier time with men throwing themselves at them. Their rato of worthwhile dates was really low. Hugh volume doesn't mean hhigh quality.

WhatHappened 08-31-2013 02:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zampana (Post 225499)
Any women I do meet seem to run the other way when they find out I'm already in one committed relationship. For sure, I'm meeting the wrong women, but it seems as if the majority of women I meet are convinced monogamy is the only way.

... Many, many men love the idea of a relationship to someone who won't ask them to move in and have babies, who just wants to have a good time and who will be fine with them continuing to see other people.

Maybe it's just the women I've been meeting, but I find the opposite to be true - most women, if they're available and looking, seem to want to know that there's a commitment, that the man they're going to invest in will be willing to take it to the next level or whatever.

I've read many threads here in which men seem to have a more difficult time finding someone willing to have this sort of relationship, than women, for exactly the reasons you're finding.

Unless they're already married, themselves, really, what's the benefit to these women of a relationship with someone who only wants to see them part time, when he and his wife aren't busy?

GalaGirl 08-31-2013 03:13 AM

Only you can answer that -- if you are being impatient /trying too hard.

But if you have this awareness at this point in time...

Quote:

Maybe the universe wants me to be alone for the first stage of this so that I can fully deal with my envy and jealous and not hide from it in another relationship?
...you could start to clear it off your plate NOW rather than wait to do it AFTER you are in some other relationship.

Could reading about jealousy and pitfalls help you with your emotional management?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im..._Polyamory.pdf

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...u-in-poly-hell

GL!
Galagirl

Eponine 08-31-2013 03:32 AM

It seems to me that poly women have an easier time finding partners because some men are okay with casual/non-exclusive dating even if they're not poly themselves, but poly men basically have to date women who are truly poly. But if you only look at poly people, I don't think there's a big gender difference.

Personally, I don't think being female makes it easier for me to find partners (which has to do with my asexuality and kooky relationship outlooks, of course). Yes, I got a lot of messages on OKC, but most were from guys who were only looking for sex or casually dating. I'm not interested in casual dating. I don't want to take every relationship to the "next level" (moving in together, etc.), and I don't need frequent contact, but that doesn't mean I don't need commitment and emotional intimacy. Also, I don't think I can be attracted to someone who's not committed to poly, because compatible relationship views is a big deal to me.

Flear 08-31-2013 05:52 AM

zampana, what is poly to you ?

some (myself) it's a way of expanding the family, having that additional partner that lives with you if possible (preferable)
-typically as poly is followed by 'amory', how loving are those additional relationships when they're one-night-stands, or there is no consideration for commitment and trying to make it work

others use poly as a term that means little more than a swinger.

so what does poly mean to you ?, what does it mean to your wife ?

before looking at if it's easier for men or women, or who it benefits more (men or women), ... depends what your after, depends what your searching for, depends what your finding.

if those 3 things are in line, then it will benefit you
if what your after is different than what your searching for, then what your finding won't give you what you want.
do you know what you want ?

Edit:
all the same goes for your wife.
she may be having an easier time of it now, which is fine if that's what she wants, ... if it's not what she wants though, well it's not going to make her happy then. just like yourself.

everything that applies to you applies to your wife, and vice versa.

zampana 08-31-2013 09:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice (Post 225500)
Stereotypically, women can have an easier time of it then men, as men are looking for less commitment. But, speaking as a polyamorous female, if you approached me with that attitude (What, you want a COMMITMENT from me? A next level? You want this to actually mean something?), I'd be very turned off.

On the other hand, if you want a less intense relationship with a woman who doesn't have expectations of the relationship going anywhere, you can try the swinging community, though ratio of men to women tends to not be in your favor.

I'm definitely not a swinger. I absolutely want a real connection, a real relationship, whether it lasts a night or a lifetime, whether it involves sex or not. My "problem" right now (early days and all) is that the minute the poly thing comes up, the women seem to bolt. So yes, the task is to find a truly poly woman. The trick is to find people who are open to it. It just seems that when people find out I'm married, the auto-assumption is that I'm some sort of sleazy middle aged guy out cruising women, which is so insanely far from the truth!

zampana 08-31-2013 10:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flear (Post 225574)
zampana, what is poly to you ?

<snip>

so what does poly mean to you ?, what does it mean to your wife ?

<snip>

Edit:
all the same goes for your wife.
she may be having an easier time of it now, which is fine if that's what she wants, ... if it's not what she wants though, well it's not going to make her happy then. just like yourself.

Excellent questions and definitely something I need to think more about.

Polyamory to me is clearly multiple loves, loving more than one at the same time. I'm looking to meet people to fall in love with, while at the same time maintaining a beautiful relationship. Maybe in the future they can join our family or we can join theirs, maybe we'll live parallel lives together, I don't know. But this certainly more than just one-night stands and hookups.

Yes, my partner has lots of opportunity, but she also has a head start, in that she's been loving multiple people for many years, whether it's old boyfriends or new friends who have the potential to grow into deeper relationships. This comes easier to her, because she's been doing it (without knowing what "it" is) since before we married, and all through our marriage, while honoring sexual fidelity.

And it's not surprising I guess that her first relationship out of the gates would be a homerun (other than his moving overseas, which wasn't known until after they started seeing each other). She has the instinct for this, whereas I've held myself back for so long, I don't really have any idea where to meet people, who will be "right" for this sort of thing, etc.

I'm hoping this is just early days jitters, and that once I tune into people who are going to be open to this, everything will roll in a natural, unforced way. Just tough when she's already fallen in love (twice) and I'm sitting around wondering when I'll even get a chance to have a drink with someone, much less go any deeper...


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