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-   -   Did I handle the situation right? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5386)

Crystal 01-17-2011 09:32 AM

Did I handle the situation right?
I'm in love with a married person about 2 years now. He is my professor and we have a strong spiritual bond, we talk almost about anything. He is my guide, my mentor, my soulmate. I haven't told him how I feel about him, because I didn't want to make him feel awkard and endangering the current friendship that we have established. But Iam trying to show my love in different ways, such helping him out with several projects and so on.

Anyways, I have decided to go on with my life and find a person that truly loves me and really love him too. I met a guy and we are together for about one month and a half. I have feelings for him, he is very sweet, but currently isn't in love with me (he just likes me, but he told me that Iam his type and he is going to fall in love with me soon). In other words we are in a phase that we are getting to know each other better.

Yesterday we were talking about relationships, and I expressed my opinion about loving more than one person at once. I still have strong feelings about my professor, that won't likely change, but i am starting to have the same feelings about my partner too. I haven't told him about my feelings about my professor, because the propability of actually him (my professor) answer to those feelings is close to zero. The propability is close to zero because I dont know if my professor feels the same way, and if he does, I would like to form a relationship but with his wife approval. That is, I want to her to know that he is also with me and wont be jealous or upset about it. And that's something that I don't know if it is actually going to happen. It's hard to explain my whole way of thinking in one post, so I guess that you get my drift.

So my question is. Did I handle the situation right? I mean, was it right to open a conversation like that with my boyfriend at this stage? I just want to be trully honest to him. If he can't stand me loving more than one person at once, I would not like to be with him, because I dont want to hurt his feelings. I care about him so much.

Jodi 01-17-2011 01:49 PM

sure, i think that you are better off telling him about your views on relationships sooner than later. as long as you're prepared for him to not agree with you...or him staying hoping your ideas will not come to fruition.

you did the right thing. good luck w/ the professor.

redpepper 01-17-2011 11:20 PM

agree with jodi. You have set the stage for an open and honest relationship. I don't think you need to tell him who you are in love with unless something comes of it. It isn't really necessary unless it becomes necessary.

How did he react? Was he interested in the theory behind loving more than one? Did he ask questions? You and he could explore this together as you are both new to it... that is a good place to be... so much potential and room for growth without there being drama in your life.

Crystal 01-18-2011 05:18 AM

He said that as long as there is no problem if the people that are related have no problem with that. I can not say if it is ok with that or not, from what he has said. Anyways, I can not continue the relationship if he doesn't love me. He said that he likes me, but he doesn't love me. And what I really need now is to be loved.

redpepper 01-18-2011 05:45 AM


Originally Posted by Crystal (Post 61526)
I can not continue the relationship if he doesn't love me. He said that he likes me, but he doesn't love me. And what I really need now is to be loved.

Was there any indication that he was interested in seeing if he will grow to love you? Or is certain that its always going to be a like... if the latter is true, then is that it for you?

Crystal 01-18-2011 07:51 AM


Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 61543)
Was there any indication that he was interested in seeing if he will grow to love you? Or is certain that its always going to be a like... if the latter is true, then is that it for you?

To be honest, it's my first relationship I ever had and maybe I see some things imaturely. I have felt alot of pain in my life (bad childhood, bad experiences such as being bullied etc). I really need someone that will care about me and love me as much as I do. I know that he will need some time to love me, but I guess I can wait. But during that time I can not have sex with him, as long as I know he doesn't love me but he is only attracted, and I dont really know if he can cope with all of this. I had sex with him once but we could not continue because even if he was gentle with me, I knew that he did not love me and that made me feel hurt...

And that's why I am trying to explain to him that it is possible to love two people at once. You see my professor actually cares about me ,in a parental way maybe, but he cares. I know it ...I can feel it...even if he doesnt feel the exact same feelings I feel about him. You see what my boyfriend is not able to give me now, I receive it from my professor (emotional love) and what my professor is not able to give me now I receive it from my boyfriend but it not the same because there is no love...it's not there. I care about my boyfriend very much but he doesnt feel love...i feel that he doesnt care that much...and that hurts..alot

Breathesgirl 01-18-2011 10:34 AM

It's only been six weeks. A lot of people do feel "love at first sight". For those people it takes time to reach the point of love. Give him time and attention.

It took me THREE years to tell my boyfriend I love him. Some how I think you would have gone nuts & then been gone long before the first year was over! :)

GroundedSpirit 01-18-2011 04:39 PM


Originally Posted by Crystal (Post 61526)
..........He said that he likes me, but he doesn't love me. And what I really need now is to be loved.


So what is YOUR definition of 'love' ?
What is HIS ?



redpepper 01-18-2011 07:57 PM

Its really good to hear that you are aware that you need to feel loved in order to have sex. Very important to know about yourself. Be wary though, some guys think they love you and just want to fuck you and then its gone, some say they do to get in a womans pants and some fess up and say its all about sex... it sounds like this guy is at least being honest. That is a good thing... be patient and see what happens. There is no rush. As GS says, maybe his idea of love is different and he requires sometime.

Crystal 01-18-2011 08:58 PM


My definition of love follows in few words:

When a person is in love with somebody, he/she feels a deeper mental connection with the significant other, that is very different (obviously) from physical attraction. That means, even if sexual intercourse doesn't occur, you will still be in love with that person. For me sex is an expression of true love only and can not be degraded. Sex without love can not exist, in my realm at least.


Trust me, even if I am considered too young, I think that my current experiences throughout my life enabled me to recognize true love when I see it. I had a really harsh childhood, for my point of view at least. Some of my classmates were rediculing me of my height (I am really tall) and even tried to pull my trousers off in front of people. That's why I developed an infiriority complex, which Iam still trying to overcome alone among with other problems. There was no one to save me then, to stand up and protect me. Neither my parents. I remember my parents telling me, not to hit other people, even if they did something bad to me. BULLSHIT! I should have kicked their @$$es for what they had done when I had the chance, as an act of self-defence from physical damage and self-respect. I was almost an outcast, with very few friends. Iam a social butterfly now, but I still have few true friends. Even if someone succeed to trick me, I will find it sooner or later and finally add that experience to my memory vault so as not to do the same mistake again. I never said that Iam mature enough. No one will ever be. We get more and more mature through our experiences in life

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