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-   -   very new to poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=53499)

sheesh 08-27-2013 02:01 AM

very new to poly
so i am about 5 months into a new poly relationship with an already established couple (they've been together 7yrs) and i am finding that this is way more confusing than i first expected. i started dating G first. she and her husband were very upfront with me in the beginning and told me exactly what they were looking for; a girlfriend that they could share. well the first month with her was amazing, she was extremely affectionate and was always telling me how much she couldn't wait until we were together. the sex was amazing and it seemed as though we couldn't keep our hands off of each other when we were together. once the three of us had started our relationship the physical contact from G started to lack. at first the sex between the three of us was constant but because of one of the rules of theirs was that S and i could not have sex unless G was involved, i have not had any sexual contact in over 3 months. S and i seem to have gotten closer throughout this time of "drought" for me and has been open enough to tell me that he and G have sex at least once a week. this is fine, obviously they are going to have sex, they're in a relationship. my problem is this... When i ask G if she and i can have sex she tells me "I haven't been in the mood for sex lately"... this bothers me because i know she is having sex with S. I have tried to have conversations with her about it but they seem to all just come back to the same end. she says she loves me and wants to be with me. i have been really fed up and ready to throw in the towel because lately it seems that all we do is argue. i am not sure what to do. does anyone have some advice?

dingedheart 08-27-2013 07:54 AM

Hi and welcome,

What's it feel like to be a unicorn ..:D sorry just kidding around.

To start what type of poly experience did the couple have prior to you ?....or was this some sort of 7 yr itch thing ...or the wife was bi curious and once the husband started having feelings everything changed and started hitting home for her.

I'd throw in the towel on a relationship that hasn't been working longer than it has worked. 3/5 of the time frustrating and lopsided. No seat on the rules committee. Take what you're given...or fuck off ...literally go fuck yourself. Because I don't " feel " like it and it against the rule for him.

How did you get hooked up with these people?

SchrodingersCat 08-27-2013 08:33 AM

I would throw in the towel myself, but I'll proceed under the assumption you'd rather not, or else you would have already.

You could confront G about your perception that it's not "I'm not in the mood" but rather "I don't want it with you." To be the Devil's advocate, it's conceivable that she hasn't been in the mood at all and that S has been pressuring her anyway. But more likely, something happened during one of the threesomes that made her feel weird, and now she doesn't want to do that anymore, but she's too chicken-shit to tell you about it and work it out.

Or maybe she was bi-curious and now that her curiosity's been satisfied, she realizes she's not really down with pussy.

I guess my question to you is, what's in it for you? What outcome would you like to see? Perhaps you would feel better if you had more of a say in how the relationship works, e.g. having sex with S without G needing to be present.

Incidentally, this whole poly thing also means you're allowed to have relationships with other people outside this couple. There's no reason that just because they're not meeting your needs, you can't get your needs met with someone else. Unless of course, that's another one of "their rules" in which case forget 'em and move on. They don't own you.

Dagferi 08-27-2013 11:22 AM

No sex for 3 months in a 5 month relationship. You should still be in the ripping each others clothes off stage.

Yeah personally even at almost a year and a half together I get upset if I don't have sex on a regular basis.

bookbug 08-27-2013 12:02 PM

You have been given some pretty sound analysis - there is something else going on besides, "not in the mood."

Choices are (as some of the others suggested):

1. Confront her them straight out about the fact they are having sex, which kind of precludes' "not in the mood," unless as someone suggested, hubby is pressuring her.

2. Confront the situation in a different way, by telling them that your needs are not being met in the relationship. List them and ask if they are going to be willing to meet those needs.

3. Confront the situation from yet another approach and state that since they are not meeting your needs during her "not in the mood" dry spell, you will began looking for another partner to address them.

I was with a couple once, and everything was fine - no issues with sex - until the wife realized the husband and I had grown to love each other. Then all bets were off. She went 180 degrees. (Wasn't love kind of the point?)

GalaGirl 08-27-2013 01:29 PM

I am sorry you are struggling.

I'm not sure what feedback you need.
  • Encouragement to end it. (Which is what you seem to want)
  • Encouragement to work something out with them.

Which is it? :confused:

What do you guys are about? Sex? Or something else? Like if you were having sex then X wouldn't be as annoying, but since you are not having sex then X becomes even more bothersome?


sheesh 08-28-2013 02:44 AM

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to my question..
well, after a lot of thinking and a lengthy discussion with G and S, i have decided to go elsewhere to get my needs met. the three of us agreed that my needs could not be met in that relationship so i am newly single. i am not sure if i will seek another poly relationship or not but come what may. i am at peace with the separation and i wish nothing but the best to both of those lovely people :)

Natja 08-28-2013 12:38 PM

Take care Sheesh and beware of couples seeking Unicorns, it's often about as successful as Greeks bearing gifts!!!

GalaGirl 08-28-2013 01:58 PM

I am glad to hear it you all sorted it out peacefully even if the best outcome was to end it on good terms.

I am glad your short term well being seems good, and hopefully that serves your long term well being better.


bookbug 08-28-2013 02:27 PM

So glad you were able to get resolution, and that you were able to accomplish it on good terms!

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