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-   -   Totally new and seeking insight (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=53384)

queenb 08-26-2013 06:06 AM

Totally new and seeking insight
Ok so, my husband and I recently began to open up our relationship to a non-monogamous one. Since I'm so new at this, I am a little confused about the behavior of one person I've been dating. For background, I am a woman, married to a man and the person I'm dating is also a man, who has previously been in a non-monogamous relationship.

A little chronology:

1. I met the guy for a casual date, had good conversation, decided to see him again.
2. Met guy again, sexytimes ensued. Guy starts saying mushy things during/right after.
3. Continued talking with guy but out of town, so I didn't see him for a couple weeks.
4. Guy begins to withdraw, I ask him if he actually likes me, cause I had thought he did. He says he does and even seriously considered not moving an hour away after meeting me, but then decided against it since I would never be a primary relationship for him, but that he wanted to continue to see each other.
5. Guy withdraws more, starts talking about exes (particularly one that had been rather rejecting), and starts telling me he's trying to "figure it out" and that I might be wanting more time than he can give and that can we take a step back and just hang out. In the meantime, he hangs out with me a number of times despite his apparent ambivalence, which results in cuddling and general non-sexuality (much to my disappointment).
6. At this time, we've had 5x more friend-like interactions as compared with sexual/relationshipy interactions. He says he's NOT ambivalent, just busy and "trying to figure it out".


1. What the hell is going on here?
2. Does this guy actually "like" me and if so, is he just back burnering me til he finds someone more available?
3. Does this guy actually just like me more as a friend?

SchrodingersCat 08-26-2013 06:18 AM

Honestly, no one can answer those questions except possibly him, and maybe not even that.

Is there some reason you don't accept his explanation that he's trying to "figure it out?" Presumably that means even he doesn't really know how he feels or how he wants to proceed. I would say his request to step back and just hang out is pretty clear. The problem seems to be that you want more than that. So you need to decide whether you actually can just hang out and accept what he's willing to offer right now. If not, then you could tell him that this arrangement isn't meeting your emotional/sexual needs, and ask if he's willing to step up the romance. If he's just not there right now, give him his space and maybe he'll look you up when he does figure it out.

queenb 08-26-2013 06:24 AM

Thanks, i guess im a little wary since people have frequently been ambivalent but dishonest about it. I guess what i really want to know is that, is he actually attempting to figure it out? Does it seem that way?

SchrodingersCat 08-26-2013 06:39 AM

You could ask him for more information. "What do you mean by 'figuring it out?'" "Is there anything you can discuss with me? Maybe you have some questions I can answer, or beliefs I can respond to?"

I'm not sure exactly what he's trying to "figure out" so I can't begin to guess whether he actually is trying to do that. People behave in all kinds of ways when their thoughts are in termoil... his behaviour could mean one thing in one person, and the exact opposite in someone else.

I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt. If he says he's trying to figure it out, then he probably is. That being said, "figure it out" is sometimes code for "I don't want to get serious, but I don't want to say so because I worry that then you'll never talk to me again." So... it's anyone's guess, really.

queenb 08-26-2013 06:46 AM

Thanks for your thoughts. I have made it very clear that i understand that people dont out right say they dont want it to be serious for the reason you mentioned and that was ok and we can be friends only. He has assured me that thats not the case, but i still find myself being mistrusting....

GalaGirl 08-26-2013 03:02 PM

You seem to wonder if he's blowing you off or actually thinking things out. Could ask him something like....

"Could you be willing to talk to me more openly about what it is you need to figure out and what you have discovered so far in your thought process at this point in time? How about _____time/date____?

Could that work for you? I don't want to rush you, but at the same time I don't want to be in the dark forever."

Both could determine what open relationship models you each are up for.

And which one of those you are going to try to build together at this time.



queenb 09-03-2013 05:23 AM

So its been a while since ive let him be and not heard from him at all...when should i just chalk it up to he's just not that into me?

Marcus 09-03-2013 01:55 PM


Originally Posted by queenb (Post 226180)
So its been a while since ive let him be and not heard from him at all...when should i just chalk it up to he's just not that into me?

He said he wants to step back so he can get things sorted on his end.
He has behaved as a platonic friend to you every time you've been with him since then.
He has now stopped communicating with you entirely.
It is painfully evident that this guy has other things going on and isn't interested in getting into it with you. How he feels about you, what exactly he's trying to "figure out", what issues in his life is he dealing with, are all perfectly irrelevant. The facts you have at your disposal are MORE than enough to move on with your life. *IF* by some unlikely mechanization of the universe, he decides to contact you in the future then you can deal with it at that point but clinging to the possibility of this relationship like a drowning man to a life preserver is not going to get you anywhere.

The bigger question is, why is it that you are so insistent on trying to continue this relationship? Are you having a strong reaction due to abandonment issues? Is it a fear of loss? I get being disappointed that a new relationship isn't working out, but your degree of tenacity makes me wonder if there is an emotional issue on your end that needs to be worked on.

GalaGirl 09-03-2013 10:43 PM

When you last talked, did you ask for a time frame for responsiveness?
  • If he still within it the time frame? Wait.
  • If he's beyond it -- he is either not into you or not willing/able to be timely to meet your need for responsiveness within a time limit. You could check in or let it go cuz he's not sounding compatible.
  • If you never asked for a time frame -- could learn to do that so next time you aren't in limbo like this again.


SchrodingersCat 09-09-2013 04:57 AM


Originally Posted by queenb (Post 226180)
So its been a while since ive let him be and not heard from him at all...when should i just chalk it up to he's just not that into me?

Approximately the same time you ask that question. So, I guess that's "now."

Falling in love can't, and shouldn't, be forced. Starting a relationship is supposed to be the easy part. If it takes this much effort and hardship just to get the ball rolling, clearly the ball is not meant to roll.

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