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-   -   Finding the time... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=53330)

ALpolyman 08-25-2013 03:41 PM

Finding the time...
 
I'm married to my wonderful wife of 4 years and we've recently discovered that we want to try poly. We have no children but have 6 dogs...yeah we're into animal rescue. During the week we work, clean during weekends, take care of the dogs, etc. Though I don't know what it's like to have children, the only real free time is on weekends. We stay busy with life. My questions are: How are poly relationships supposed to grow with such little availability? How fair is it to the person(s) we are dating? Will the person(s) we date be just as busy (assuming we are dating within our age of 30 to 40)?

gorgeouskitten 08-26-2013 02:45 PM

You have to make the time....heck i have a spouse, three kids and a dog and i still see my boyfriend at least once to twice a week. ;)

FullofLove1052 08-26-2013 03:06 PM

Speaking from my own experience, it never got better for me, and someone or something always got short-changed. I hated that, and it took me years to accept that I had stretched myself beyond my means.

We did have a schedule, which is probably why I break out in hives at the sheer thought of ever having to live by one again. The problem with me living by a schedule is that no two days were ever the same, so there were a lot of rain checks, rescheduling, and general loss of balance, which spelled out neglect.

Best advice? Make sure all needs are being met. Is it going to be equivalent or always fair? No. You only have so much time, and I had to learn that the hard way. Will the people you date be just as busy? Quite possibly. All parties have to be accommodating and understanding. No one person should constantly bend because they will break. I am 33, and most people my age are quite busy unless they are childless, single, have a cookie cutter job from 7-3:30, and/or have the weekends off. With the way my schedule is now, despite having more free time and cutting my hours to a fraction, even if I wanted a relationship, I have no room or time for it. If I make any changes, my children and family time will get cut, and that is unacceptable to me. Be prepared to possibly see new interests once or twice a week. All of you will still have obligations and responsibilities within your respective marriages/relationships and at your homes, and that has to be taken into consideration.

Everyone does it a little differently, but you just kind of have to make time. It can kill the spontaneity if you are living by Google Calendar, which was a downfall for me. 60-40 would never have worked in my life. 50-50 worked from 2002-2008, but then again, my responsibilities and life were structured differently (no children; working towards my career; and a girlfriend who worked at night and quite erratically).

SchrodingersCat 08-26-2013 03:42 PM

I address the "fairness" issue by choosing partners who are similarly busy, so no one is really getting "short-changed" because they're just as unavailable as I am. So the answer to "how do we grow" is "slowly."

But really, how is it any different than most single people dating these days? The pace of life has grown beyond control for many professionals. People are stretched too thin all across the board. Poly availability is just one more aspect of that.

The only real answer is to slow down and reconsider your priorities. e.g. you "work during the week." Do you work 16 hours every day? Do you need to? If you only work a regular 8 or even 10 hour day, then there are several hours left in the evening for you to use as you choose. If your evenings are filled with dog care, perhaps you could seek partners who are dog lovers and would be willing to accompany you while you take 6 dogs to the park.

GalaGirl 08-26-2013 03:46 PM

FWIW? My responses.

Quote:

How are poly relationships supposed to grow with such little availability?
With the expectation that they will grow much more slowly than if lots of time were available. (This assumes there is mutual interest in growing something together. Endless time would not be of help if there is no interest at all!)

Quote:

How fair is it to the person(s) we are dating?
Assuming they sign up to date you in the first place and you make them aware of your time available? They prob are cool with it. Otherwise why would they still hang around to date ya? ;)

Could expect the other person let you know if you meet their "time spent with me" needs or not.

Quote:

Will the person(s) we date be just as busy (assuming we are dating within our age of 30 to 40)?
Could ask them what their time available for YOU is when you date them. Then you know if they are just as busy as you and if their available time meets YOUR "spend time with me" needs. ;)

That's what the dating time is for. To find the compatible ones.

Galagirl

sparklepop 08-26-2013 04:40 PM

Hi AL,

Whoo, six dogs. That is busy! ~grins~

Quote:

How are poly relationships supposed to grow with such little availability?
Actually... I think it's worse when a lot of time is available to begin with and then it drastically changes. I think if you start with a certain schedule, I don't see the issue. God, I don't even like to date every week. I could chat online to a lover every day; but I'm personally happy to meet up anywhere between once a month and once a year. It all depends on what you want, what kind of contact you need (in person or on phone/online) and what they want. I think seeing a person once a week gives plenty of scope for growth.

Quote:

How fair is it to the person(s) we are dating?
It's as fair as they think it is. Both of the women I dated last year wanted to see me every week and I didn't want to see them every week. I didn't see that as unfair - I never pretended I wanted to. We both knew the score when we got involved. On the other handed, I could have wanted to see them three times a week and they could have only wanted to meet once a month. Fair is about being honest and open - outlining the expectations. Compatible is about how well you work together and if you both want the same things / amount of time / type of relationship.


Quote:

Will the person(s) we date be just as busy (assuming we are dating within our age of 30 to 40)?
It's impossible to say! Age is irrelevant. I've actually become less busy as I've gotten older; whereas other people find themselves more busy.

The best thing you and your wife could do would be to decide how often you'd like to make time to see other people and stick to that. If it's once a month, it's once a month. If it's more, it's more.

I recently met a woman on OKCupid and her profile was so refreshing to me. She literally outlined the number of days per month (3-7 apparently... hahaha) that she'd have available for dating related things (i.e. keeping in contact, chatting online, meeting up). She didn't make excuses or pretend she had lots of free time. I thought that was great.

Whatever your situation is, there's no point in pretending it's different, because you won't find the person who is truly compatible with you that way.

Dagferi 08-26-2013 04:43 PM

I have 2 school age kids, 3 dogs a cat. I work as a personal assistant to a somewhat famous musician. Both play football.. Both my guys work crappy schedules. I still see Murf 40% of my month.

Where there is a will there is a way.

gorgeouskitten 08-28-2013 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dagferi (Post 224521)
I have 2 school age kids, 3 dogs a cat. I work as a personal assistant to a somewhat famous musician. Both play football.. Both my guys work crappy schedules. I still see Murf 40% of my month.

Where there is a will there is a way.

Exactly Dagferi! We are all busy, J and I have three kids, Nudge has a spouse and various hobbies/activities to take his time and also values alone time more than i do, but we see each other anywhere from 1 to 2 times a week depending on whats up. one thing i like a lot is that we set tuesdays as "our" night, so thats a standing thing and everything else just kinda falls into place.

This week, I spent saturday night with him overnight, Sunday with him and my kids and for part of it J also, then saw him last night and will see him tomorrow night and for lunch Friday. TONS of tim etogether...but next week, might be just Sunday and Tuesday. You take it as it comes. :)

Dagferi 08-28-2013 03:10 PM

This week I am hoping to see Murf tomorrow night. Maybe Monday for a picnic being hosted by his job. I think he is working Tuesday overtime. He had to buy a new truck and would like to not have that payment hurt so much.

I also will see him next weekend Friday through Sunday with the kids.

ALpolyman 08-28-2013 10:46 PM

Wow, good responses all. This at least preps me for the possibilities. Thanks! Oh, and to the comments for the 6 dogs. We already had 3 Yorkies but the last 3 dogs are rescues...one is a Spitz that was thrown out at 5 weeks old, the other is a blind husky, and the last one is a husky/pyrenees mix. Never a dull moment in my house!


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