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-   -   Any advise for a noobie? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=53324)

fives 08-25-2013 01:11 PM

Any advise for a noobie?
Good morning,

Right... some background. I'm a 25 (m) from Toronto, and have been intrigued by what society "tells us is right/acceptable" for a couple years now. It started with a couple days of fairly deep conversation a modern hippie (she was working on her PhD in Gender Studies at the time) a couple years ago. Since then, I've questioned why many things are considered right/wrong by society. In reality, the only right/wrong for sexuality, relationships, and kink/bdsm, etc. should be what makes you happy (with a healthy dose of morality/ethics/responsibility). Why should we as humans be confined to having one monogamous partner? Why are most ignorant [not knowing] to the ethical solutions that exist, specifically poly? Why are such relationships so readily rejected by society?
It must be hard to be poly. Just as it takes a set of balls to be an out of the closet trans, I've accepted that there is going to be some rejection. And I'm not really even out of the closet with poly. Here's my situation:

I'm single (well, divorced, technically). I've always been either single or in a monogamous relationship. I've yet to be unfaithful. Especially more recently, I tend to involved with older women (just in general they tend to know what they want, there's far less drama/bs, tend to actually have a personality, no sugar-coating, and everything else that comes with dating another emotionally mature person; I'd have no trouble dating someone my own age if I could find someone mature enough). I've had sparks with a early 40's (f) for some time now, and we talked the night away last night and found ourselves having a LOT of strange things in common. Very refreshing conversation, for almost the entirety of the night :)
Anyways, last night was the first time I've ever made as much as a hint to thinking about poly. After our first kiss (and subsequent hours of clothing-on -her kids were upstairs- fun), I told her that I've been questioning societal norms for awhile, explained what poly is, expressed an interest in non-monogamy, and left it at that. It was pretty awkward to feel so exposed when talking about it, as I'm typically pretty confident. She didn't offer much feedback asides from a couple kisses.
Although I probably identify myself as a poly person right now, I don't know how to say it more directly. Like other guys that I've read about on here, I'm afraid (and rightly so) of it sounding like "Yeah I don't want a committed monogamous relationship so I can sooner or later be free to bang other girls on different days of the week". Anyways... I've started my journey. Any advise on how to be more direct about it? All either of us has ever known until now is mono. And I assume most others in society are much of the same, so this will likely be a reoccurring talk with others sooner or later.

kdt26417 08-25-2013 04:37 PM

Greetings fives,
Welcome to our forum.

You might find the following page helpful:

It answers some quick, obvious questions, and promptly lays on the line what polyamory is. You can use it in your conversations with other people when you tell them you're poly.

I'm sure you'll get better at telling people in the best way that works for you, with time and practice. You'll probably find Polyamory.com helpful for answering many questions, as there is a wide range of perspectives here.

Glad to have you aboard, hope the above link helps.
Kevin T.

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