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-   -   Poly confussion (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=53291)

eyesnowopen 08-25-2013 07:40 AM

Poly confussion
 
I will try to make this fairly short but i could use help if anyone is willing. I first would love to thank Showtime for introducing me to Polyamory. I never thought there was a community like this and now i know i am not alone or weird. I was married for 18 years and only divorce now more 4 months. 3 years ago we met another couple and ended up falling in love with them. well 2 years into what we all called a "swinging relationship" the other couple divorced. the female in their relationship also asked for me to end my relationship with my wife and be with her. i choose not to leave my wife which ended our relationship, i allowed my wife and her boyfriend to keep seeing each other even letting him move in with us until he got back on his feet. well they became very close and decided they wanted to be together without me which at first hurt me because i feel like i lost out on everything because i was so open. so i guess i'm asking does divorce happen alot in the poly world? can a single straight man get into a community? where is a place to start michigan does not seem to be a hot bed for this? any help would be awesome cause i'm so confused and not sure what to do i know i don't like the traditional concept of marriage and i don't want to get into a relationship that someone would want one.

Vixtoria 08-25-2013 02:11 PM

Yahoo groups has a listing for Michigan poly. Most of the meetings are down south in the Detroit area but there are members on the email listing from all over, including the UP. The email list has several hundred members, though not all are active in posting.

Anneintherain 08-26-2013 02:24 AM

I think divorce happens as much in the poly community as much as it does anywhere else. While being poly I've divorced and remarried, and two of my partners have separated/divorced from their partners. None of those were to leave one person for another but for the other reasons typical for divorce - cheating, long term changes leading to incompatibility, the dynamics not working anymore, etc. I've seen posts about, and have known people who have had marriages end when one of them wants to be either mono or poly with another partner though - I think it's just about how healthy your relationships are in the first place, how accurately you are reading the health, compatibility and mental state of the partners and relationships you already are in. Those blindsiding surprises usually seem pretty expected in retrospect.

And Okcupid.com for dating too - If you want to be non monogamous, it's a good idea IMO to put that you are looking for nonmonogamous or poly relationships in your profile, seeking out non monogamy, polyamory, and open in keyword searches to find people who are already experienced in open relationships can save some headaches.

Marcus 08-26-2013 02:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eyesnowopen (Post 224180)
so i guess i'm asking does divorce happen alot in the poly world?

Divorce happens in any "world" in which there is marriage.

Looking into a non-standard way of connecting like non-monogamy means you will need to be a bit more creative than you otherwise would have. The other responses to your question are a great starting point.

SchrodingersCat 08-26-2013 03:36 AM

Agreed. I don't think divorce or break-ups happen any more or less in polyamorous relationships than they do in mono ones. The most common reasons might change a bit, i.e. perhaps slightly fewer break-ups so that someone can date someone new...

It's worth noting that your ex and the other guy probably didn't identify as polyamorous. You described it as a swinging relationship, which generally means you're only romantically involved with one partner. For whatever reasons, she preferred to be romantic with him. Probably a "grass is greener" situation that will eventually crumble, but that's neither here nor there.

Actually, I've never understood the rationale behind urging someone to leave their partner to be with you. How is it that they don't realize: someone who did that once is capable of doing it again and again, and it's only a matter of time before the tables turn?

eyesnowopen 08-27-2013 12:05 AM

All of the responses were just what i was thinking and thank you all who did respond. I guess after going through everything i did i would not change it i had a great time while it lasted and now i know more about what i want in a relationship or relationships now the hard part of searching begins. Thanks again...


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