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-   -   need advice please (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=53288)

biamore 08-25-2013 06:42 AM

need advice please
 
Let me start from the beginning... I have been in a 11year relationship with a bi female. We were both very open and honest about our sexuality from the beginning. During the course of our relationship I never really had a boyfriend I did have several sexual encounters with men but no relationship. 1year into our relationship she met a lesbian female who became her consistant friends with benefits. I had no problem with their arrangement. I became really great friends with her. After about 2 years I proposed to her and she accepted. After about 4years the woman y stoppedseeing to one another and completelyceased to be together. A few years pass and we bo have sex with others but no extra relationships. Then one day I meet a man I want a relationship with we get together and we have been together for 4years now. Since my male lover and myself have gotten together she decided to visit another couple out of town. I had no problem with that and she came back after a visit and said she was moving in with the other couple consisting of a straight male and a bi female. I had no problem with that as well. Here comes my problem... We talk every day on the phone since she has moved away. She came back for a visit and things became hot and heavy between us and she stopped me saying she was not allowed to be intimate with me. I was taken aback. Now when she visits we have no sexual contact but we have a strong emotional connection and still love each other. How do I tell her that the new man in her life is not quite conforming to a poly relationship ? Is it my place to even bring it up? She has lived with the couple for about 1 year now. Should I let her figure this out or is she now a lost cause because she lives with them now and visits us instead of vice versa? Any help out there please help?

london 08-25-2013 08:32 AM

It isn't that he isn't conforming to a poly relationship, it's that she is now in a closed poly relationship with those two people. It sucks that it means that she can no longer have sexual relations with you, regardless of how she feels, but she has chosen to be with them with the understanding it means no longer having sex with you. If she feels that is the better choice for her, you can only accept it.

Dagferi 08-25-2013 12:27 PM

London has it 100% right.

They are in a closed committed relationship. One of their boundaries is not sleeping with others. She was respecting that relationship and her partners. She agrees to those boundaries.

monkeystyle 08-25-2013 02:50 PM

Agreed with the last two posters. Give it up, you're friends without sexual benefits now. Accept it and be happy for her.

biamore 08-26-2013 08:35 AM

Thank you all for the advice ... I will break off my 11 year relationship / engagement etc. With her. You are right she has moved on and in a possibly more meaningful relationship.

SchrodingersCat 08-26-2013 04:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by biamore (Post 224176)
How do I tell her that the new man in her life is not quite conforming to a poly relationship ? Is it my place to even bring it up? She has lived with the couple for about 1 year now. Should I let her figure this out or is she now a lost cause because she lives with them now and visits us instead of vice versa? Any help out there please help?

She's "not allowed" to have outside sexual encounters, or she "agreed" not to have outside sexual encounters? The distinction is important. If she believes she's "not allowed" then there could be something fishy going on.

Your relationship aside, I would ask for details as a friend. Is the other couple trying to control her behaviour? Is she vulnerable to a potentially abusive relationship? When she started dating them, was there a dialogue about behaviours, or did they simply hand down the "rules" for their relationship? Having known her for 11 years, what do you believe her frame of mind is like that she would accept people telling her what she is and is not "allowed" to do?

Unlike the other posts, I would be suspicious of a situation where someone I'd been with for 11 years suddenly wasn't "allowed" to be sexual with me. I would be wondering how much of that was her own choice and how much was pressed upon her from the others. It doesn't seem very loving to me, to pressure your new girlfriend to give up someone she's been intimate with for 11 years. That doesn't necessarily mean it doesn't "conform to poly relationship," just that it doesn't seem very kind.

SchrodingersCat 08-26-2013 04:26 PM

p.s. romance and intimacy are not just about sex. A sexless relationship can still be more than "friends." Even if the closed sexual circle is 100% her own choice, that doesn't mean she can't be intimate and romantic and loving with you. Why toss her out just because the physical relationship has changed form?

Dagferi 08-26-2013 04:38 PM

My concern is why is she tossing away an 11 year relationship so quickly.

biamore 08-26-2013 09:21 PM

Maybe I need to give a little more background ... We met in 2003. One year after being together my girlfriend "Chelsea" met "Kitty". Chelsea and I became engaged in 2005 new year's eve ... Kitty was there and she said yes to marry me. Making me the "primary" lover. After 4 years kitty and Chelsea called it quits. We were to be married Nov. Of 2008 but one month before wedding day her father died. She was distraught and I didn't press her and told her we could marry whenever she wanted. After 9 years I met "Patrick" I started a relationship with him as well. About a year after Chelsea said she met a married couple she wanted to "play" with I said sure go ahead. She left town for 1week came back and said she was moving in with the married couple. She assured me it wouldn't affect our relationship I told her to go and I am here when u come back. We talk in the phone everyday since she gas been gone sometimes still hours at a time. Her first visit back Chelsea we were laying on the couch and kissing and went to the room and she said "I can not do anything sexual with you because he would be upset and one of the conditions of me being here he made me promise I wouldn't have sex with any men when I came back home" ... I was flabbergasted ... I asked if he knew I am your fiance she said yes. I felt a little struck because I never put stipulations on her and. Vice versa and suddenly a stranger to me has become a wedge between us. I just needed advice on what I should do .. if anything? Is it my place to complain? Or even talk to her about it or continue to be the man in waiting?

monkeystyle 08-26-2013 11:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dagferi (Post 224517)
My concern is why is she tossing away an 11 year relationship so quickly.

Doesn't seem like coercion causing it. Seems like a genuine decision to detach. She's doing it in a fairly calm, maintain the friendship kind of way. Hard to fault it.


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