Yeah, ok, hi. :-)
Hello all. Doing the obligatory first post this is who I am thing. I'm from the east coast, sail (duh) amongst other things. Married more or less happily for 21 years. I've always liked the idea of my wife having sex with "others" as a form of kink. Encouraged her in her explorations. She's had several partners, and I haven't had any problems with it.
Now she's found someone she actually cares about, and finds the poly lifestyle much more fulfilling. I like him, and he and I share a lot of common interests, so he and I have a friendship more or less separate from her. But they have their own time. She goes and spends the night a couple times a week, and now Jay (jealousy) is raising his ugly head. I don't understand it, and I sure don't like it. She's very supportive and helpful, but doesn't have direct experience. This is all complicated by the fact that it only bothers me when I'm in emotional turmoil for some other reason (she and I have a fight, for example, or, much more commonly, work is making me insanely stressed). When "I'm good," I miss her, but it's not a "problem" for me.
Hoping to find some insight here...
There's much to be found regarding jealousy and dealing with it. I'll suggest checking out the Golden Nuggest board to find links to those discussions.
Hi and welcome! I think you've already got quite a bit of understanding regarding your own jealousy. It seems you've already perceived that it comes up when other issues are present as well, or when you're feeling vulnerable. When I've felt jealous, I ask myself, "Okay, what is it specifically that am I actually jealous about?" And I keep digging deeper and deeper, because I think that jealousy is always there over top of other feelings. And if you deal with those feelings, it helps dissipate the jealousy. So, maybe when you're in "emotional turmoil," as you put it, that would be a good time to occupy yourself with activities you enjoy or hang with people whose company makes you feel good about yourself, and not dwell on what she's doing. Easier said than done, of course, but I'm sure as you keep getting to know yourself and your own thought processes, you will find a way to handle it.
Ha! I noticed something interesting. A lot of my jealousy was aggravated by "exclusion." When she (meyesekrit) was with him, and I felt left out, my jealousy problem was horribly magnified.
Yesterday she was going to spend the night with him. She forgot the camera. He and I exchanged some e-mail and, not to drag it out, I went over, had dinner, shot some pictures of the two of them, and then had a wonderful first threesome experience. Voila, no jealousy, even when I went home and left her there.
So we'll see what comes up. Thank you all for the warm welcome! Now off to read more.
The green-eyed monster
I hear what you are saying about jealousy and everything else as our situations are quite similar. I used to get off on my wife playing/cheating in some ways even when it hurt. She was insanely jealous when I cheated and there was no upside for her. Cheating sucks.
We decided last year to try something different. We agreed to be poly, but I don't really want or need to be poly. She is 15 years younger than me and a total babe and we have incredible sex at home. But she does need to be poly. Now she has three boyfriends. I know them all. I still get off on her sexual adventures but mostly I get off on her total happiness.
The way I--I should say we--deal with any jealousy is absolute honesty. I can read her emails and text anytime and we always agree beforehand on what time she will be home from dates. She constantly assures me that I am her only true love and her main man and that if I ever ask her to, she would stop. I think stopping would be hard for her as she loves fucking her lovers, but I know she would. And knowing that she would stop if I ask makes it unlikely I would ever ask. Does that make sense?
We are totally digging this poly/mono lifestyle. It may change but for now it is great.
Understand this. Important. You actually know it but I think you are verging on falling into a common trap of confusing apples & oranges.
You have BOTH jealousy and envy showing up here !
Different approaches needed for each. Different understandings.
I think the biggest tiger here is envy right now. You enjoy the concept of here getting extra pleasure, but you are sometimes (or often?) left out. You'd prefer to be there, be able to witness and feel her vibes.
"Envy" - you want something you don't have !
That's perfectly ok ! See if there's an acceptable way to work towards getting more of it without harming anyone else ! I bet you can :)
It's quite advantageous to just say "Ok - this sucks right now- but I'm working on it. It WILL get better"
"Jealousy" - that you mentioned more in your first post.
You feel jealousy when you are afraid. Afraid of losing something. Afraid of being moved out of a place you like and are comfortable. Naturally this surfaces when you are feeling weak & vulnerable. Stress from any direction can do this. Not only cloud our thinking, but inside we realize we may be walking some knife edge and are in danger of slipping over in some fashion. It often plays out in relationships because we realize that we aren't "fully present" in that relationship and we realize that this full participation is the foundation. It's what keeps us connected. If we lose that connection we risk it slipping away.
Things that we might have shrugged off at another time seem that much more dramatic. The fear builds. We get all confused ! It can become a snowball headed down slope ! More fear - more confusion and bad judgement/choices. On and on !
Stop the snowball !
What seems at risk of being lost ? Is that risk real ?????? What will prevent it from being lost ?
What actions might increase the chances of it being lost ? Don't take those actions !
Different approaches for different emotions.
Keep clear - you'll be fine.
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