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-   -   helping a potential "Paramour" understand -- advice? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=53243)

Wyrdkiss 08-24-2013 03:03 PM

helping a potential "Paramour" understand -- advice?
Greetings all,

My intro post contains necessary information. It was entitled, "walking on Thin Ice Cubes, Yearning for a Swim" and can be found here:


So as we know I am involved with a potential Paramour; she is an ex girlfriend and we recently integrated back into our respective lives.

My current partner is ok with us spending time together at this point.

I desire to express my affection for her, on some level. It could be limited, or, relationship permitting, ideally unfettered and free.

On top of the fact my current partner is going to struggle with this when it fully manifests, I do not yet know exactly how the Paramour feels either.

The feeling is obviously mutual, but she is completely foreign to both the open relationship as well as poly lifestyle. I am "open" with her about it, however (we are listed as Open on social media) and she and I have discussed various things such as my partner having a prior girlfriend, etc.

Personally I am leaning more and more toward seeing myself as somewhat of a future polyfidelity type person, with only the lightest of play with strangers.
This makes my current partner insecure, but she also is beginning to digest the benefits of knowing someone, trusting them, and not inviting chaos into our lives.

My potential and I are speaking about this on Sunday -- she does not yet know why I want to talk exactly, but I did mention that her comfort and understanding of our current relationship, as well as her feelings being honored, is important to me. I essentially want to aknowledge my affections and intimacy with her, and ask how she feels about my current relationship.
Afford her the opportunity to ask questions.
and discuss what I can, and cannot, offer in her life at this time, as well as what may be fully plausable in the future.
And, hopefully, move the wheels forward.

Expression. Intent. Desire. Clarity. Exploration.
SHe and I need to talk.
Then so do my partner and I, once I know what is even realistically an option.

But how do I go about this? Can anyone please offer advice about how to gently but directly offer myself, essentially, to someone who may be full of misconception or even derision toward a life that challenges the "one perfect husband w/ a picket fence" mentality?

I think something beautiful is possible here; I don't want to blow it.
I am fully prepared to share where my paramour and I leave of on Sunday with my partner, and we'll see how that goes as well.

Again, she knows this is a possiblity for me. There is no deception with either involved.

encouragement, wisdom and constructive criticism greatly appreciated...

gorgeouskitten 08-24-2013 06:07 PM

My advice is talk to your partner, THEN your love interest. I'm if reading this right, you plan to talk to new girl first. This could make your already insecure partner more insecure and angry. When I approaches my spouse, I new my bd was interested but wanted to come from a place where I wanted poly with or with out the man I was interested in. I suggested reading to my spouse, talked with him a lot, etc. little different cause I already new BF was poly but I still think you need to start with the partner you have before approaching the other woman

nycindie 08-24-2013 06:16 PM

I suggest reading this forum -- the search button is your friend! Do a few searches for some terms you think are relevant. There are probably a gazillion threads here already addressing how to bring this up to partners and potential partners. I think that, very often, it is helpful to read what others have written already, even if it goes back a few years. And it's fine to resurrect old threads here.

Good luck!

Wyrdkiss 08-25-2013 03:06 PM

Thanx Kitten, we discussed it a bit more last night. She now knows we are soon going to be figuring things out a bit between us, and then my partner and I will talk more.

@ NYC -- It's nice to know we can resurrect on this forum. That's actually quite helpful.
I did search prior to posting, and did not find precisely what I needed based on my current circumstance.
I'll try some other online resources -- blogs, PolyWeekly, etc.


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