||08-23-2013 10:23 PM
Getting through past stuff
Well this will be my first actual Thread.
Again for those of us who are "noobs" to this, there are A LOT of questions, emotions, issues, that come up when moving into a poly relationship. Perhaps some background. Im going to apologize in advance....this is going to be long.
3 years ago, while I was working at a restaurant, there was a co-working that I befriended. After sometime I learned that "she" (Moving forward she will be referred to as "L"), was struggling with alcohol addiction. Because of my previous addiction to Meth ( 16yrs clean now), I thought I might be able to help. We started to spend more time together, and talking more. At the same time I become more closed off to my wife, and began hiding things, and lying to her. This caused the obvious troubles that a mono marriage would see. I kept seeing L, and actually began to have feelings for her. Misguided as they were, I still had them. This nearly tore my marriage apart. Runied any trust we had built between us. Eventually L left the scene, and PPHer and I started to rebuild the trust bridge. Obviously I had to do all the work.
Flashforward to today. It has been 3 wonderful years since "the incident". In my mind and heart I have felt I have proven my trust to her. I have dedicated my everything to rebuilding that bridge and making it stronger, IMO. As we are discovering our poly-selvs we have been slow to move. First we agreed to allow her to date, and I stay mono. That didnt seem fair to me, since I believe the same things she does. So we began talking about moving forward to allowing me to date, but she had to get over the past loss in trust in me.
I udnerstand she has the trust issues, but there has to be a time when we have to take a step from behind the wall and put it behind us. I have agreed to move slowly, but Im not sure how slow it will be. Today I brought up putting up an OKC profile to meet new friends, and only friends (Men and Women). I figured if she got used to seeing me around other women in a friend compacity it might start to ease her trust issues with me. "Trust training wheels" if you will. It became quickly evident that even the mere mention of this upset her. We had to step back and take a breath. She proposed a "joint" page, so we could both meet friends. I did not agree to this, because it felt I was being forced to grow at her pace, but she was allowed to grow on her own. Are my feelings here a little to immature? Am I acting like a child in this?
Im not sure where to go from here. I do love and repect her feelings, and have respect for how she wants to proceed. At some point I feel that my feelings will need to be equally respected. I know she is worried about being "replaced" but if you knew her like do, you would know she could never be replaced. I dunno, really. Any advise would be helpful.