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-   -   Coworkers and online dating (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=53125)

AlwaysGrowing 08-23-2013 07:35 AM

Coworkers and online dating
 
I am curious how people handle online dating. I use OkCupid and recently noticed a coworker also on the site. Since this isn't about a relationship, per se, I went with general discussions. :)

Some background as to why I am curious.. I am mostly out as poly. Friends know. The important family knows (parents, siblings). HOWEVER, I have never found it necessary to "come out" at work. I try not to talk about my personal life too much, and I just generally don't want to deal with the drama. Because I am fairly certain there would be drama.

I mostly work with about 6 other women. I see some of them multiple days a week, others only a few times a month. Most of them are single or only casually dating. They tend to have very traditional views, and most of them have given me odd looks at various times when I have made comments about open relationships being preferable to cheating (because some of them have a history of cheating and would talk about it or cheating will be on the tv/radio show that we're discussing or whatever).

So, I personally have not told them. Don't wanna deal with them looking at me oddly or potentially judging me. I know for a fact a couple of them don't really like me, and I don't want to give them a reason to really try looking for something that they can use to get rid of me. Now that I know at least one of them uses OKC (and since they are mostly all friends and OKC has interesting questions/quizzes I could easily see more following), which I also use regularly, I wonder if that should change.

Is it better to be open about it and be available for questions or is it better to just wait and see if anyone else notices my profile and/or brings it up? Has anyone else dealt with this?

LovingRadiance 08-23-2013 08:32 AM

Totally personal preference there.
All of us are open. My school associates know as do both guys bosses and primary coworkers. Mostly none care. Some are very conservative-but they don't get into it.

Cleo 08-23-2013 11:30 AM

I'm out to most coworkers. If anyone I'm not out to would find me on OKC I would not really care.

but - here's a thought. I can't really tell from your post if your male, female, straight or bi - but if you're a straight female, looking for guys, and your coworkers are straight females looking for guys, the chance that you will 'run into each other' on OKC are very slim because you would never pop up in each others matches.

my husband recently found a casual acquaintance on OKC. I never would have seen her profile because I'm only looking at guys there :)

Nudge 08-23-2013 01:12 PM

I would be careful if you live in the US in an 'employment at will' state. Your personal decision to be polyamorous can result in sanctions on the job, up to and including firing.

I don't say this to be alarmist-- when my relationship with a co-worker was discovered (we are both married, but are able to fraternize under our company's 'fraternization policy') we were both nearly fired because of the dissaproval of some key people in the office. The way it is, I lost any opportunity for a raise, and feel that my opportunities for growth at my office have all but disappeared.

It is unlikely that your personal choices will matter as much since you're not dating someone in your office. But, I would be cautious if you already feel vulnerable or unliked at your place of work. Being polyamorous is not protected under any laws, and employers can be unfair.

Nox 08-23-2013 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nudge (Post 223819)
I would be careful if you live in the US in an 'employment at will' state. Your personal decision to be polyamorous can result in sanctions on the job, up to and including firing.

I don't say this to be alarmist-- when my relationship with a co-worker was discovered (we are both married, but are able to fraternize under our company's 'fraternization policy') we were both nearly fired because of the dissaproval of some key people in the office. The way it is, I lost any opportunity for a raise, and feel that my opportunities for growth at my office have all but disappeared.

It is unlikely that your personal choices will matter as much since you're not dating someone in your office. But, I would be cautious if you already feel vulnerable or unliked at your place of work. Being polyamorous is not protected under any laws, and employers can be unfair.

Who would want to work in such a place anyway?

I could come out at work, but there's some downside and zero upside, so it's not worth it. We've actually had some people with open relationships or alternative lifestyles and they weren't treated any differently. In fact there's a huge push for diversity, even though it's a big international corporation.

Inyourendo 08-23-2013 01:59 PM

I'm out at work, my coworkers enjoy hearing about my poly adventures.

london 08-23-2013 02:11 PM

Quote:

Who would want to work in such a place anyway?
Lots of people want to work in hospitals, schools, etc etc. You better be thankful that someone wants to work in those places

alibabe_muse 08-23-2013 02:21 PM

I am no longer employed but when I did work, I wouldn't have been able to come out. The industry I worked in, just not too accepting.

In relation to okc, it wasn't a co-worker I came across but another parent from my 15 year old's soccer team. He didn't want a date but to have sex. I let him know that dh and I were polyamorous, that I was not interested in him and would appreciate it stayed there at okc. We are not out yet, we just only began this journey. My teen does not need adults blabbing to their kids (even if his daughter is a lesbian) cuz that is only going to affect my daughter, not us. He took the turn down just fine and has not said anything.

But as other's before have posted, it depends if you are male or female and what you are looking for on okc. If you don't believe it's going to affect your employment, I wouldn't over think it.

AlwaysGrowing 08-24-2013 06:51 AM

I am a bi woman, she's a straight woman. I have the "looking for friends" box checked so straight women will show up on my feeds now and then because of that. I have no idea what her settings are to know whether or not I would ever show up in one of her random things.

In theory I could get fired over it, precisely because of the employment at will thing, however I don't really see it happening. I work in a field where there is a very high turnover rate and stability is coveted so if anything my company would probably transfer me to another location (still in the same city) if current coworkers decided they had a problem with me.

I think I was just a little freaked out because I didn't expect it. I have actually considered coming out before, since another coworker is interested in a few events that I attend. They are both poly and kink friendly, which she isn't aware of, the activities themselves sound fun to her so if I invited her along (as she has hinted she would appreciate), I would have to explain the situation to her beforehand. For some reason, doing it on MY terms doesn't scare me, but the idea of being "discovered" does. I am, apparently, not a fan of the unknown.

nycindie 08-24-2013 07:09 AM

If you put that person on your blocked users list, you won't see them in searches or on your front page ticker and they won't see you either.

Also remember to go into your settings there and make sure you check the option to have your profile only searchable by members. If you don't make sure that is checked, it's public and shows up in search engines.


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